mental health, Uncategorized

Smokin’ Weed


Alright, alright, I’m not actually smoking weed right now.  But technically, I kind of am?

I decided to give CBD oil a try this past weekend and I am in love with it!  Let me put it this way, not even 5 minutes ago I was writing this post but, it was about how I don’t know what the hell to write about.  So, I took a couple hits off my CBD Oil vape pen and guess what, I’m now writing this.  That’s a huge difference.

CBD Oil is completely 100% legal without a medical card.  All you have to do is walk into your favorite smoke shop or vape shop and grab a bottle, or vape pen, or gummy, or even shatter  (think Dabs but without the THC). CBD Oil can help with pain, anxiety, depression, cancer, and God knows what else! I opted for the vape pen because when you smoke it, you not only get more of the CBD Oil to where it needs to be but, you get it quicker.  Thank God because I need that shit constantly.

Here’s my story.

I’ve tried many medications, if you’ve been reading this blog in the past you’re probably familiar with my journey with that.  Nothing really worked long-term.  And if it did, God, the side effects were horrible!  For quite a while now, I’ve been off of medication and trying to just kind of wing it on my own.  This hasn’t really been all that successful either, honestly.  I’ve actually spent countless months hiding away in my bed or on the sofa.  Even right now, I’d MUCH rather be sleeping the day away on my sofa than sitting here at a coffee shop writing.  But, I’m trying to get back to my life.

I started smoking the CBD Oil on Saturday.  I instantly felt relief.  Like, instead of sitting down and arguing with my anxiety and depression as to why I need to get up and help my boyfriend clean the house before his mom comes over, I actually just got up and did it.  No second thoughts.  It was almost like a miracle.  My mood has improved, my motivation has gotten better, and my anxiety has gotten easier to handle on my own.

Sure, it’s not a cure-all by any means.  However, it’s definitely something worth trying!


I want to get back to writing again, but I’m having trouble thinking of topics to write about.  So, if you’d help me out and comment on this post with any ideas of what you’d like to read about, I’d be so incredibly grateful!

Thank you!



It’s Been A While

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to write. However, at the moment, I’m feeling motivated to do so! Yay!

In case you’re wondering, a few things came into play making me take a much dreaded break from writing. Between a Depressive episode, a lack of motivation, and feeling a bit hypocritical, I ended up stopping my writing. I absolutely loved writing pieces that would help and inspire others with their journies. However, because of the fact I wasn’t actually living what I was writing, I felt a bit like a fraud. That killed me. 

So, here I am. Actually making an effort to turn my life back around and get going again. 

Today, I had my first “official” meeting with my life coach. I got to tell her my life story and the struggles I’ve been through. Sitting here with someone and having someone actively listening to what I’m saying is such a great feeling. I love my meetings with her because the I leave them feeling motivated and encouraged to be myself again. 

I’ve still got a long journey ahead of me. I’ve got my work cut out for me, that’s for sure. But with the help of someone who can see things I can’t, I’m ready to tackle whatever comes my way. 

I hope to start writing regularly again. I really do. 

I guess, lets just see how this goes! But, for the time being, I’ve got to get home to my new puppy! 




It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. And honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten out of bed before 3pm because I wanted to. I’ve spent so many days laying in bed watching videos on Facebook to pass the time. And I’m getting tired of it. So fucking tired of it. 

Yesterday, it took all of my energy just to make three phone calls. One, to cancel a therapy appointment I probably should have gone to. And the other two calls to family members. 

Things are tough for me right now, they’ve been worse before but, for some reason, I’m shutting out life at the moment. I’m not talking to my friends, I’m not posting anything on social media, I’m not even changing out of my pajamas until it’s time to pick my boyfriend up from work. I sleep until 11 or 12 and by then it’s too damn hot to enjoy any time outside like I used to. 

To be honest, I kinda feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I have. I’m not connected to anything anymore. Writing doesn’t bring the same passion it once did. Drawing is too much of an effort. Cleaning? Forget about it. 

I want to make a change, I want to kick myself in the ass and start living again. I feel that day is coming soon. I just have to hold on and make it to that day. And I will, because I’m strong. 



Hello, Again. 

As some of you may have noticed, I haven’t written in quite a while. Partially due to my phone being totally fucked up and partially due to just not having it in me anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s just not there. 

Honestly, I’ve been hiding. I’ve kinda given up in a way. I stay in bed all day, I don’t do shit. It’s been tearing me apart but I’m at a complete loss at how to go about changing it. I just don’t know anymore. 

I don’t really feel anything again. I kind of feel like this empty waste of space lying around. I don’t want to feel that way, but sadly, I do. 

I’m just at a complete loss as to how to go about helping myself. I don’t know where to go from here. 




I’m struggling a lot with gratitude today. I find myself pointing out everything that is wrong. 

Being disappointed I haven’t done anything for my birthday weekend, the fact I’ve gained weight, the puppy constantly creating a mess, the shitty day I had yesterday, everything.

So, I just wanted to post a little something to remind us all to be grateful. 

23 Things I’m Grateful For

  1. God’s love
  2. Being alive
  3. A wonderful boyfriend
  4. Coffee
  5. Mornings
  6. My fur babies 
  7. When I’m able to write
  8. My creativity 
  9. A house to live in
  10. My previous travels
  11. Yoga pants
  12. The cleaning I did yesterday 
  13. Air conditioning 
  14. Good food
  15. A cleaner house
  16. Time spent with my boyfriend 
  17. Love
  18. Others inspiring stories
  19. Challenging myself
  20. Being able to cry yesterday 
  21. Did I say coffee?
  22. Trying my best
  23. Overcoming all of my struggles

I hope this helps inspire you all to remain grateful even in times when it seems there’s no reason to be. 


I Didn’t Choose This


Sitting here, at my favorite coffee shop, I can’t help but wonder, what is wrong with me?

I’m not currently working as many of you know and that, that drives me crazy.  What you see and what I see can be similar, but also very different.

Today, I’m wondering why I can’t work.  Am I choosing to be “lazy”?  Am I choosing this life of not doing anything?  Am I actively trying to not work?

See, the thing is, I want to work.  I want to work so badly.  Whether it’s my own company I start up, or just a simple cashier job at a small store, I want to work.  I miss the feeling of earning my own money.  I miss the feeling of working towards a goal.  But the truth is, I can’t work.  As much as I want to.

I’m sure one day I’ll be able to work on something other than my own mental health again, but right now it’s not all that possible.

Yesterday, I had a great idea.  Something I could create and help others with.  But, my depression stopped me.  It just straight up put the brakes on my mind and kept me from accomplishing anything to do with my dreams.  And it still kills me inside.  It’s killing me right now.

I look at myself and only feel sadness.  If only I could figure out a way to get past this.  If only I could figure out how to create things without the painful thoughts killing my dreams.

I found myself yesterday wanting to die, not finding a single thing I could cling onto other than the fact that I know that this will pass.  It will pass and I will be content not doing anything again for a while and then I’ll have another damn idea and get heartbroken again because I can’t help it come to life.

I find myself saying things like, it’s not worth it.  Things like, creating things wasn’t meant for me.  Yesterday, and still somewhat today, I feel like those things weren’t meant for me.  Other people, yes, but not for me.

My best friend is on the verge of having her first book published.  She’s a mother of two girls, a wife, an employee at a demanding job, and she’s somehow managed to find the time and strength to write a book worthy of publishing.  I sit on my ass all day, I lay in bed all day, I have all the time in the world to create something magical and yet, I can’t. While I’m extremely proud of her, it hurts me because I feel like I’m just wasting my life away.

I create goals and plans for others to be inspired by, but I never follow through on them for myself.  I’ve spent the last year trying to improve myself and I feel like I’ve made little progress as I am still incapable of working on something, anything.

I just want to be better, I want to help others and I want to inspire.  I want to live a life I’m proud of.  But, how the fuck do I get past these thoughts keeping me tied down to the nothingness that is my life at the moment?



A Missed Call

Okay, this post is about to get real. This is for those wishing to understand anxiety and those who have anxiety and no longer want to feel “crazy.”

A little backstory, my boyfriend that I live with is out of town for about a week. That alone gives me anxiety. But to make the situation worse, he’s working up in an area with little to no cell reception. Fucking lovely. This means on any normal day, I’d get a text from him in the morning and a 5 minute phone call at night. 

Let’s get started. 

Last night, I had my first major (for me, normal) panic attack in almost a year or so. What set this off? It was 8:30pm and no phone call from Steven. Any normal person would just get mad that he didn’t call and give him hell about it when he did. Nope, not me. Thanks anxiety. 

My mind instantly went to, “what did I do wrong?” Literally, it’s physically impossible for me to have done anything wrong because, well, we haven’t spoken hardly. But I didn’t think that way. 

Instantly it was like, “why doesn’t he love me?” Another ridiculous statement. If I were to be asked who I think loves me without a doubt, it would be him. 

Then, my mind began to wander. “What if he’s not where he says he is?” This is the most ridiculous of them all. He is the single most trustworthy person I have ever met. He’s working, he’s where he says he is. 

Lastly, a little more logical thought process, “what if he’s hurt?” Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he fell off a damn roof. He is a roofer, afterall. This one still worries me as I still haven’t heard from him. 

In all probability, they worked hard yesterday and he passed the fuck out and got some sleep. But my anxiety wouldn’t let me think that way. 

I had a full panic attack, rocking back and forth, hyperventilating, and crying my eyes out. All my fur babies laid close to me last night. I’m sure things are fine, I’ll hear from him later on. 

He will be home soon and instead of giving him hell, I’ll hug him. Then, I’ll slap his shoulder for not calling me, and I’ll hug him again. Life will be back to normal.



I Tried


My anxiety is through the roof right now.  I need my roofer boyfriend to come fix it, but I won’t be seeing him for another 4 days.

Why is my anxiety through the roof? Well, first of all, I’m in public at a coffee shop so, there’s that.  But also, because my love is on a business trip and this is the longest we’ve been without each other since Thanksgiving.  From the day we met we’ve been attached at the hip, I feel like a piece of me is missing.  I’ll be okay though, I’m just a little anxious about being alone for so long.  I miss him already.

I’m wanting to attempt to keep my anxiety manageable.  I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep every night.  I want to be strong enough to get through this, to be brave.  I’ve lived alone before, so I can survive, but I’m still a little nervous.  I know I’m not the only one that ever has to deal with this.  So, for those of us with anxiety, maybe this will help.

Ways To Survive When Your Partner Is Away

1.  Get Out And About

I know, it’s so  damn tempting to become a shut-in when they’re away.  Trust me, that’s all I fucking want to do right now.  But, I know that’s not good for me.  I need people.  People need people.  So, each day I’m going to a coffee shop to write and chill for as long as I possibly can.  I hope this will keep me sane and somewhat active.  At least it’ll get me to change out of my pajamas every day!

2. Make Dinner Plans

Going off of getting out and about, why not make dinner plans?  Call up a friend or family member and see if they’re free for dinner sometime!  Few things are more depressing than eating a frozen pizza alone with your cat.  No matter how cool your cat is.

3. Go Home, Get Stoned

Listen to me on this one, it helps.  So, if you’re in a state where its legal, or, if you know, you’re a rebel, smoke some green before bed.  Get an Indica strain and go the fuck to sleep.  Trust me, it’ll help you relax and fall asleep.  And if you’re one of those people who can’t eat when upset, it’ll help with that, too! (Don’t break any laws, guys. I was just kidding.)

4. Call Me

Have your partner call you each night to say hello.  It’ll help you relax knowing they’re okay and then you’ll be able to fall asleep easier.

5. Remember…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Focus on how you’ll feel when they get back.  Pull through by focusing on how happy you’ll both be to be in each other’s arms again.  It’ll be worth it all.



When You Don’t Feel Worthy

As someone with depression and an emotionally abusive past, feeling unworthy is all too familiar for me. I constantly think I’m not worthy of this, or of that. I tell myself I’m not even worthy to write my thoughts, so why even bother getting out of bed? 

The thoughts are what haunts you the most. The “I’m not worthy of love,” or, “I’m not worthy of a happy future.” There are so many other ways these thoughts appear, but you get the point. It’s that, you don’t see the point. 

You actually lose a lot by thinking this way. You lose happiness, motivation, gratitude, love, emotions, healthy relationships, and you can even lose out on yourself. As you can tell, it’s a damn dangerous way to think. And it’s my favorite way to think. Not by choice, usually, but by habit. So, how can we at least begin to overcome this?

1. Practice Self-Care

Whether it’s taking a shower, forcing yourself to get out of bed, drinking a cup of tea, or taking a bubble bath, take time to love yourself. YOU DESERVE IT. 

2. Pretend That Voice Is Trump

I saw this on Facebook and had a good laugh but, it’s probably pretty effective. It’s hard to tell yourself to shut up, you’re lying. But, it’s easy as hell to tell Donald Trump to shut the fuck up, you lying asshole. Give it a try! YOU DESERVE IT. 

3. Think Positive 

And at this point you are rolling your eyes at me thinking, “oh god, here it is, the bullshit.” Well, stick with me, here. For every negative thought, come up with the exact opposite positive thought. “I’m fat,” turns into, “I’m beautiful the way I am.” YOU DESERVE IT. 

4. Positive Affirmations 

These sometimes work for me, but they work well for a lot of other, too. So, give it a try. My favorites are, “it’s all okay,” and, “keep things simple.” YOU DESERVE IT. 

5.  Seek Help

If you’re thinking this way, chances are there’s something in your life or mind that is not right. Go and seek help, be strong for yourself, it’s okay. YOU DESERVE IT. 



I Care, But I Don’t


It’s a strange feeling, being depressed.  Well, not too strange, considering I’m very used to it by now.  But, there’s one feeling that comes along with depression that I will never understand.  Knowing you care about something, but not feeling it in your heart.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s exactly from the depression or if it’s from me blocking out things that could possibly hurt me, but it’s still extremely confusing.  It’s like, I care about my relationship, I care about my animals, but I can’t find any motivation to do something about that, to take action.

Take my plants, for example. I spent over $100 on plants and things to put them in and soil.  I picked each one out carefully, and loved them, until I got home.  It’s like as soon as I got home someone flipped a switch and I no longer felt like I cared about them.  Most of them have died as I didn’t water them for weeks, one is hanging on for dear life.  My boyfriend mentioned last night that plants need care, I understand.  What I don’t understand is how I can’t feel it, not even the slightest bit.

I lay in bed, the house a wreck.  I want to clean, I want to unpack, I care about having a nice home, but I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel the motivation that comes along with caring about something.  In my mind, I know I care but, I can’t feel it.

So, I guess the smart thing to do would be to come up with a plan on how to overcome this.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Maybe I’ll make another post on how to care, I don’t know.

Any ideas from my readers on how to feel like you care again? Asking for a friend;)