I bet you sit there wonderin’ what you did wrong. Laying on the sofa all day, wondering why you can’t play. You don’t eat unless I’m with you, and I’m hardly with you. You stare out at me probably wondering why I can’t see. I bet you lay your head down on the cold, hard ground thinking I’m ignoring you, that I’m mad at you.
You’ve started chewing on my shoes, you ruined a new pair of heels. You’ve eaten almost an entire thing of colored pencils, I had no idea. You’ve had a couple accidents on the carpet, I just cleaned it up and went on my way.
You are my emotional support dog, yet I don’t let you help me. I don’t take you places and when I’m home there’s a glass door between us. The only time I’m with you is when I’m asleep. I know it’s no life to live.
I’m depressed, I’m forcing you to live like this with me. You need love as much as I do, but I struggle to give it away. I can’t see the light in this darkness, you just want me to smile and give you kisses.
Every time I go inside, you’re jumping up to get my attention, happy to see me. When I go back outside you’re literally biting my ass, trying to grab hold of me from going outside. One day, you even wrapped yourself around my leg like a child who’s parent is walking away. I die inside each time I see you. I’m full of guilt and regret, I can’t give you the love you need. But for some reason, you keep on needing me.
I tell you I’m trying, and I’m trying my best, honestly. Tonight, I was outside reading a book on depression. Working in the workbook to overcome my illness. I’m doing this for me, and I’m doing this for you. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have friends, you deserve the attention you’re not getting.
Lately, I’ve been resentful of you. My depression is driving me to easily be angered by the small things you do. Crowding me, giving me too much attention, but I need you like you need me. Without you, I’d have no will to get up in the morning. And, I’m sorry I lost sight of that for so long.
I promise to change, I promise to be better for you. You deserve a life to smile about, to wag that tail for. You’re just like me, so easily excited yet, you don’t get to do what brings you joy often because of my illness.
I promise to get up each morning and take you for a walk. I promise to take you for a walk as soon as I get home from places. I promise to put in more of an effort to take you with me. I promise to enjoy your company as long as you’re alive. I promise to sit down with you while you eat if that’s what it takes. I promise to play with you and to give you more baths, to take you to the groomers more often.
I promise to love you as long as I live. Because, truth is, you saved me from myself. And when I got lost again, you’re the only thing I can cling to, besides God. You are my physical need to get up and go. To keep the apartment clean and to get my exercise in.
You’re my travel buddy, my emotional support dog, my companion, my fur baby, and my best friend. Without you, I’d be a pile on the floor of nothingness. My life would have no purpose, I wouldn’t be needed at all in any form. But, you need me. You rely on me. And as I take steps to better care for myself, I’ll take steps to better care for you as well.
Because I love you. Because I need you.
Your fur mom. (Liz)