mental health


Today, I’m experiencing an anxiety hangover. Little bits from my attack last night have stuck with me through to this morning. I’m tired, I’m restless, and I’m hoping it won’t ruin my day. 

See, I had plans today. Clean up the house, do some laundry, do my hair and makeup, even contemplated going and getting a tattoo. But with an anxiety hangover, this could all be gone and I could end up in bed all damn day. 

I’m fighting off the thoughts best I can, but they’re still there. I have a pounding headache to remind me of them. 

When I have an anxiety hangover, everything just seems to be too much. It’s too much work to simply sit outside rather than lay in bed. It’s all too much and being overwhelmed will stop me from doing pretty much anything at all. 

I can’t even imagine doing the dishes right now, let alone take a shower. I just want to cry, I want to give in and let the anxiety take over again. But I need to stay strong, I need to fight through this. I need to get better. 

How do you survive an anxiety hangover day?



A Missed Call

Okay, this post is about to get real. This is for those wishing to understand anxiety and those who have anxiety and no longer want to feel “crazy.”

A little backstory, my boyfriend that I live with is out of town for about a week. That alone gives me anxiety. But to make the situation worse, he’s working up in an area with little to no cell reception. Fucking lovely. This means on any normal day, I’d get a text from him in the morning and a 5 minute phone call at night. 

Let’s get started. 

Last night, I had my first major (for me, normal) panic attack in almost a year or so. What set this off? It was 8:30pm and no phone call from Steven. Any normal person would just get mad that he didn’t call and give him hell about it when he did. Nope, not me. Thanks anxiety. 

My mind instantly went to, “what did I do wrong?” Literally, it’s physically impossible for me to have done anything wrong because, well, we haven’t spoken hardly. But I didn’t think that way. 

Instantly it was like, “why doesn’t he love me?” Another ridiculous statement. If I were to be asked who I think loves me without a doubt, it would be him. 

Then, my mind began to wander. “What if he’s not where he says he is?” This is the most ridiculous of them all. He is the single most trustworthy person I have ever met. He’s working, he’s where he says he is. 

Lastly, a little more logical thought process, “what if he’s hurt?” Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he fell off a damn roof. He is a roofer, afterall. This one still worries me as I still haven’t heard from him. 

In all probability, they worked hard yesterday and he passed the fuck out and got some sleep. But my anxiety wouldn’t let me think that way. 

I had a full panic attack, rocking back and forth, hyperventilating, and crying my eyes out. All my fur babies laid close to me last night. I’m sure things are fine, I’ll hear from him later on. 

He will be home soon and instead of giving him hell, I’ll hug him. Then, I’ll slap his shoulder for not calling me, and I’ll hug him again. Life will be back to normal.


mental health

I’ve Got This

Today I woke up with determination. Today, it will be good. Although, after one bad comment on my blog I’m feeling like just going back to bed. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me, I shouldn’t. Some people just don’t give a fuck about anyone else. 

Anyway, I want to make today great. I want to get things done and enjoy myself today. I want to have fun and not lay in bed all damn day today. Seriously, my neck is killing me from it! 

So, as I sit outside and drink my coffee, I’ve come up with a few ideas. 

How To Enjoy Yourself Again

1. Give Yourself A Reason

It’s not going to be easy, getting out of the house. Especially when you’ve been isolating yourself like I have. So, my best advice is to give yourself a reason you truly can believe, or want to start believing. For me, my reason is that I’m worthy. I’m worthy of a little pampering, I’m worthy of some relaxation and I’m worthy enough to have a clean house. What’s your reason?

2. Treat Yourself Extravagantly

If you can afford it, go all out. Get your hair done, get your nails done, go to MAC and get your makeup done. Maybe you go to a spa for a day. Whatever will help you feel like the queen or king you are. I’ll be going to get my hair done, it needs it and I can afford it, I’m not going crazy doing all the other things because I know I can’t afford it. However, I might be getting a tattoo tomorrow. 

3. Treat Yourself By Yourself

If you can’t afford the above, or you just haven’t gotten to the point where you can get out of the house, don’t worry. I’ve got your back! Try taking a nice bubble bath, maybe with some candles lit. Try coloring your own hair. Don’t try cutting your own hair. Try a makeup tutorial. Give yourself a DIY face mask. Paint your own damn nails. At the very least, take a fucking shower. We both know you don’t want to, but it’ll help. 

4. Update Your Wardrobe 

Right now, my wardrobe does not reflect the way I want to be. There’s too many colors! So, a great thing to do is grab all the clothes you don’t want anymore, take them to a clothing exchange and use in store credit to get a discount on some slightly used clothing. Or, if you can, take the money they offer you and hit up the mall. Maybe buy yourself one nice piece of clothing. Remember, quality over quantity. 

5. If It’s All Just Too Much

If you’re not at the point where you can take care of yourself or go outside, that’s okay. Grab your favorite book or movie and cuddle up into bed with some hot coffee or tea and enjoy the laziness you deserve. 

What are your tips to getting back to life? Enjoying yourself again? I’d love to know!



I Tried


My anxiety is through the roof right now.  I need my roofer boyfriend to come fix it, but I won’t be seeing him for another 4 days.

Why is my anxiety through the roof? Well, first of all, I’m in public at a coffee shop so, there’s that.  But also, because my love is on a business trip and this is the longest we’ve been without each other since Thanksgiving.  From the day we met we’ve been attached at the hip, I feel like a piece of me is missing.  I’ll be okay though, I’m just a little anxious about being alone for so long.  I miss him already.

I’m wanting to attempt to keep my anxiety manageable.  I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep every night.  I want to be strong enough to get through this, to be brave.  I’ve lived alone before, so I can survive, but I’m still a little nervous.  I know I’m not the only one that ever has to deal with this.  So, for those of us with anxiety, maybe this will help.

Ways To Survive When Your Partner Is Away

1.  Get Out And About

I know, it’s so  damn tempting to become a shut-in when they’re away.  Trust me, that’s all I fucking want to do right now.  But, I know that’s not good for me.  I need people.  People need people.  So, each day I’m going to a coffee shop to write and chill for as long as I possibly can.  I hope this will keep me sane and somewhat active.  At least it’ll get me to change out of my pajamas every day!

2. Make Dinner Plans

Going off of getting out and about, why not make dinner plans?  Call up a friend or family member and see if they’re free for dinner sometime!  Few things are more depressing than eating a frozen pizza alone with your cat.  No matter how cool your cat is.

3. Go Home, Get Stoned

Listen to me on this one, it helps.  So, if you’re in a state where its legal, or, if you know, you’re a rebel, smoke some green before bed.  Get an Indica strain and go the fuck to sleep.  Trust me, it’ll help you relax and fall asleep.  And if you’re one of those people who can’t eat when upset, it’ll help with that, too! (Don’t break any laws, guys. I was just kidding.)

4. Call Me

Have your partner call you each night to say hello.  It’ll help you relax knowing they’re okay and then you’ll be able to fall asleep easier.

5. Remember…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Focus on how you’ll feel when they get back.  Pull through by focusing on how happy you’ll both be to be in each other’s arms again.  It’ll be worth it all.


mental health

Trying To Be Better

For a lot of us, depression and anxiety can keep us stuck in bed. That’s where I’ve been the last month. I hate it with a passion, and I’m sure you do, too. So, what do we do about it? How can we overcome this?

The guilt can be soul-crushing. You begin to be so ashamed of yourself that you can’t look in the mirror. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. But the thing is, we can’t stay there. Life continues on even when we’ve stopped. And eventually, we have to catch back up. Now, it’s not all going to happen in a day but, there are some small steps you can take to start again. Remember, keep it slow. 

First Steps To Living Again

Remember, you don’t have to do these all at once. Try picking one for today and then adding another when you’re ready. 

1. Wake Up

For me, I have an alarm that goes off every morning at 4am. Thanks to having a hardworking boyfriend. But, I’ve also been where there are times you see no point in waking up. Like, when you don’t have a job and you live alone. It’s so tempting to sleep until noon. However, waking up and watching the sunrise or having a morning coffee or tea could really help. Try setting an alarm for early morning while everything is still quiet. You can go back to bed after your coffee, but make an attempt to get up. 

2. Shower

Personal hygiene and self-care go out the window when you’re this depressed. It’s okay, it happens. Though, eventually you need to shower and get all that dry shampoo build-up out of your hair. Just take a quick, simple shower. Be sure to wash your face. And just let the warm water fall over you. Sometimes this wakes me up enough that I can get started around the house doing things, but it’s also okay to go back to bed. 

3. Start A Simple Hobby

Start doing something you can do from the comfort of your bed. Write, knit, sew, draw, whatever makes you happy or used to bring you joy. Start doing something, get your mind working again. You could even read a book, just give Netflix a break. 

4. Get Some Fresh Air

If you can, go for a walk. But I understand not being able to do that so, at least sit outside for like, 5 minutes. Or, if that’s too hard, try opening the window and letting some air in. Breathe and know it’ll all be okay. 

What are some of your ideas for getting back into the swing of things?



When You Don’t Feel Worthy

As someone with depression and an emotionally abusive past, feeling unworthy is all too familiar for me. I constantly think I’m not worthy of this, or of that. I tell myself I’m not even worthy to write my thoughts, so why even bother getting out of bed? 

The thoughts are what haunts you the most. The “I’m not worthy of love,” or, “I’m not worthy of a happy future.” There are so many other ways these thoughts appear, but you get the point. It’s that, you don’t see the point. 

You actually lose a lot by thinking this way. You lose happiness, motivation, gratitude, love, emotions, healthy relationships, and you can even lose out on yourself. As you can tell, it’s a damn dangerous way to think. And it’s my favorite way to think. Not by choice, usually, but by habit. So, how can we at least begin to overcome this?

1. Practice Self-Care

Whether it’s taking a shower, forcing yourself to get out of bed, drinking a cup of tea, or taking a bubble bath, take time to love yourself. YOU DESERVE IT. 

2. Pretend That Voice Is Trump

I saw this on Facebook and had a good laugh but, it’s probably pretty effective. It’s hard to tell yourself to shut up, you’re lying. But, it’s easy as hell to tell Donald Trump to shut the fuck up, you lying asshole. Give it a try! YOU DESERVE IT. 

3. Think Positive 

And at this point you are rolling your eyes at me thinking, “oh god, here it is, the bullshit.” Well, stick with me, here. For every negative thought, come up with the exact opposite positive thought. “I’m fat,” turns into, “I’m beautiful the way I am.” YOU DESERVE IT. 

4. Positive Affirmations 

These sometimes work for me, but they work well for a lot of other, too. So, give it a try. My favorites are, “it’s all okay,” and, “keep things simple.” YOU DESERVE IT. 

5.  Seek Help

If you’re thinking this way, chances are there’s something in your life or mind that is not right. Go and seek help, be strong for yourself, it’s okay. YOU DESERVE IT. 



I Care, But I Don’t


It’s a strange feeling, being depressed.  Well, not too strange, considering I’m very used to it by now.  But, there’s one feeling that comes along with depression that I will never understand.  Knowing you care about something, but not feeling it in your heart.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s exactly from the depression or if it’s from me blocking out things that could possibly hurt me, but it’s still extremely confusing.  It’s like, I care about my relationship, I care about my animals, but I can’t find any motivation to do something about that, to take action.

Take my plants, for example. I spent over $100 on plants and things to put them in and soil.  I picked each one out carefully, and loved them, until I got home.  It’s like as soon as I got home someone flipped a switch and I no longer felt like I cared about them.  Most of them have died as I didn’t water them for weeks, one is hanging on for dear life.  My boyfriend mentioned last night that plants need care, I understand.  What I don’t understand is how I can’t feel it, not even the slightest bit.

I lay in bed, the house a wreck.  I want to clean, I want to unpack, I care about having a nice home, but I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel the motivation that comes along with caring about something.  In my mind, I know I care but, I can’t feel it.

So, I guess the smart thing to do would be to come up with a plan on how to overcome this.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Maybe I’ll make another post on how to care, I don’t know.

Any ideas from my readers on how to feel like you care again? Asking for a friend;)


mental health

Trapped In Bed

For the last few weeks, yes, weeks, I have been trapped under the covers on my bed. It’s been a miserable few weeks, full of self-loathing and hatred. I can’t begin to describe to you what it feels like to be able to sleep all damn day and then still get a full night’s rest. One of the most obvious signs depression has returned is when I sleep all day. Which, obviously, doesn’t help my depression go away. 

After these last few weeks, I’ve gotten the physical side effects of laying in bed all day, every day. I’ve got this pain in my neck/shoulder that will not go away. It kept me up most of the night last night, too. And my body, it’s gotten used to not doing anything so any time I actually want to do something, it’s all like, “what the fuck, dude?” And then I go back to bed. 

The worst part of it all is the mental aspect of giving up and hiding under the safety of your covers. You start to feel guilt when your boyfriend comes home from roofing all day in the hot sun, and all you’ve done today is cry. Or, when the weekend comes you spend the whole time watching him clean while you just sit there. Guilt and shame fill your mind, and you know it’s so easy for others to just think you’re being lazy, but you’re not. 

How To Survive Being Suck In Bed

1. Clean Sheets

I mean, come on. You’re going to be stuck in bed for God knows how long, might as well do yourself a favor to help you feel better and put on some freshly clean sheets. Trust me, it helps a little. 

2. Wear Comfy Clothes

Bring out your favorite oversized shirt and forget wearing pants! Do yourself a huge favor, change your clothes daily, even if you’re not leaving your bed. After a week of laying down, you don’t want to be in the same shirt. And make sure they’re clean clothes! It helps a little, too. 

3. Grab Your Favorite Calming Drink

For me, it’s coffee. And thankfully I smoke when I drink coffee so, I have to get out of bed for this one. Only time when smoking is okay, I guess! Anyway, grab some hot tea or something and enjoy it cozied up in bed. Hey, it might even make a good Instagram photo! Oh! And if you have the money, go on Etsy and order yourself some positive sayings mugs. My favorite right now says, “you got this!” 

4. Get Your Ass Up

Every hour, try to do something, anything. Whether it’s take a shower, wash a couple dishes, or just walk around your room real quick, do something every hour. Who knows, maybe you’ll start to do more things each hour when you get up!

5. Eat Some Food In Bed

I give you permission to eat in bed. I don’t care whether it’s chocolate cake or a salad, eat something. Depression is the best appetite suppressant there is for some people. Others, they can’t stop eating. But whatever you do, make sure you eat during the day. Please. 

6. Binge Watch Netflix

One of my personal favorites, binge watching Netflix. It gets you out of reality and lets you be entertained. Watch a good movie or your favorite tv show. This is a good time to snack, too. 

7. Get Some Fresh Air

Maybe during one of your hour breaks you can step outside for some fresh air. I don’t care if it’s raining, sunny, or snowing, get outside for at least 5 minutes. Feel the rain on your skin, feel the sun warm your soul, feel the cold air. Remind yourself that you are alive. 

8. Open The Windows

I can’t tell you how much it helps to just open the windows and let some fresh air in, and some natural light. Nature has a way of uplifting the spirit even if just a little bit. 

What are some ways you survive when depression has you stuck in bed? I’d like some ideas!



What Have I Become

I’ve become a shell of myself. 

I’ve become numb, uncaring. 

I’ve become sad. 

I’ve become lazy. 

I’ve become tired.

But, also,

I’ve become strong. 

I’ve become resilient.

I’ve become brave. 

I’ve become an amazing person. 

I still miss who I was, full of laughter and love. The creativity that sits inside me wanting to come out, I miss that, too. 


mental health

Morning Coffee

As I sit here finishing my morning coffee, I can’t help but wonder how today is going to go. Will I sleep all day again? Or, will I do things today? I don’t know. But I know what I want. 

I want to get up and clean my car, maybe do some creative photography and then go to a coffee shop to edit and write. I want to buy the pet food we’re out of and enjoy my day. But I just can’t promise myself that. 

I can’t promise myself that because there’s a huge chance that after writing this, I’ll go lay down in bed. There’s a huge chance that I won’t make it to the store today, let alone clean my car and take photos. 

When you’re near the end of depression, what motivates you to start living again? I’m not struggling with Depressive thoughts at the moment, but the lack of energy is overpowering. Any tips?