“Just push through.” These were my grandma’s favorite words on the phone today. I swear, she said them 20 times in a row. I about threw the phone across the room. “Just push through.” She reminded me. Say that and all my problems go away, I become normal. That’s how she made it seem. “Just push through.” I couldn’t hear that phrase one more time. It’s become more hated in my mind than the saying, “it is what it is.”
I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. But, I just grinned and said, “okay, that is good advice.”
It got me wondering, do people think depression exists solely because we don’t want to do things? Do they think that we let ourselves get overwhelmed on purpose? That we don’t want to “just push through?”
Do people think I can’t make a doctor’s appointment because I don’t want to? Do people think I don’t have a job because I don’t want to? Do people seriously believe that I just sit around all day doing nothing because I don’t want to participate in life?
Because none of that is true.
I’m a woman who was once a little girl, full of hopes and dreams. That little girl still lives inside of me, but she’s buried underneath the weight that this world has put on me.
I want to travel. I want to get paid for my work. I want to learn. I want to explore. I want to create. I want to have a social life. I want to have a loving relationship. One day, I’d like to be married with kids. One day, I’d like to live in a house. One day, I’d like to have a car I paid for on my own.
I have deep, wild passions in this life. My mind runs constantly. I want to do this, I want to do that, I just can’t keep track anymore. I can’t focus on just one goal, which makes it all that much harder to accomplish just one goal.
It sounds simple, to focus on one thing. You only have to work on one thing. But my mind doesn’t work that way. Not at all. Matter of fact, my mind doesn’t work normally any day.
I don’t want to just sit around and do nothing. I don’t want to keep avoiding life. I want to be a part of the world. I want to have a good job and I want to have a life other than sitting on my patio all day and filling up my time. I want to work towards something, I want to accomplish something!
But, I can’t. Not at the moment, anyway. I long for the day that I get up in the morning, have my coffee, get ready in a nice outfit, go out and work, and then come home and relax. But that’s not something I can have at this point in my life. Not yet.
I need to be okay with that, I don’t need you to be okay with that. Because, it’s my life and not yours. I’m pushing through every day. Each day I have one major goal, to survive. And drink coffee.
Right now, I get overwhelmed very easily. I can be doing absolutely nothing and that can even be overwhelming for me. I don’t know how, I don’t understand it, but that’s how it is. And I don’t know how to cope with it just yet.
Major Depressive Disorder has me down for the count. It has me struggling to keep breathing each day. It’s got its weight on my shoulders. It keeps me in bed for hours after I had planned on getting up. It looks at my intentions, my to do lists, and it laughs.
Anxiety Disorder keeps me in my place. It keeps me from even thinking about making a step towards progress. Each time I think, I’m going to do this to change the way I’m living, I get overwhelmed by fear and panic. I don’t know how to overcome this just yet.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has me up all night. I can’t sleep. I remember being awake at 4am this morning. It makes sure to remind me that I’m worthless, it reminds me daily of the pain I have suffered. It forces me to continue suffering.
Attention Deficit Disorder keeps me confused, basically. I can’t process information. It comes in and out of my mind too quickly. I can’t give each thought enough attention. I have wonderful ideas, great amazing plans. But none of them happen because I can’t process each step to get there. By the time I’ve figured out my first step, I’m already thinking about what other amazing things I could be doing. It’s exhausting.
I’m still learning to be okay. After a year of being in this place, I’m still trying to accept it. Some days, my mind is blank. Other days, it almost works normally. My mind is too unreliable. It’s too all over the place. It’s too far out of my control.
I haven’t yet mastered a way to control my mind. I’m working on it. I’ve gotten further than I have ever been before, but I still need time. Time to heal, time to grow, time to learn.
One day, I’ll be driving across country exploring again. Until then, I work on what I can. I focus on what I can. I try not to get too excited about things. I try and remain in reality.