Seeing Reality

I thought it was all over for me. 

At age 17, I met the love of my life. At age 18, I was in a relationship with him. By age 19, we had broken up twice and tried to move on. At age 20, I was moving across the country to live with him. At age 21, I was driving back home because I had left him. At age 22, I finally changed my number and lost all toxic contact with him. 

There he went, it was over. You’re lucky if a passionate love comes once, right? How dare I expect it to come again. I blew it, I lost it. I had love, but I left it. 

Today, as I write this, I realize, maybe it wasn’t love. First, let me say that yes, I did actually love him. I care about him very deeply and probably always will. But maybe I had confused toxic love with the “real thing.”

The only time he ever made me feel safe was when he was calming me down out of an anxiety attack that he had started. He didn’t make me feel loved or wanted, I was never undoubtably his only girl. Every day I wondered who he was hiding in that phone he never let me see. Then, I found out. I stayed with him for months after that.

I did however feel comfort, but it wasn’t good comfort. It was normal. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. Why did I stay so long? Because it was comfortable, it was normal, it was all I had known.

I would like to say that while in fact both of those relationships were emotionally abusive, that does not mean they did it on purpose. That is something I will never know. 

Now, as I sit here with my fur baby in my lap, I begin to realize that I’m getting my second chance. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to put it. I’m getting another chance? No, I’m being shown reality. Yes, I’m being shown reality. 

I’m surrounded by a mess. My shirt has a stain on it, I haven’t brushed my hair, and my patio is basically one giant ash tray. But there’s a man out there who’s thinking of me in the way I wish I could see myself. He smiles when he’s with me, he doesn’t look at the mess with disgust, he looks at me with pleasure. 

It’s too soon to tell where this is going, it’s too soon to tell if this is going to be something more. But God, do I hope it turns out for the best. 

I’m being shown reality, and it’s not at all dark or mean. Yes, it’s a little scary. Yes, I’m terrified because I’m uncomfortable. But at the same time, I’m completely comfortable. I genuinely smile again, I laugh without worrying what my crooked teeth look like. I look into his eyes and I feel peace. This is reality, it’s not all hatred and pain. 

In the short time we’ve spent together, he’s shown me that there is still good out there. 

For those of you who have suffered as I have, who have been made to feel worthless by the people we love, have hope. You are not your abuse. You are not the nasty things people have said and done to you. In reality, you’re beautiful and deserving of happiness. We all truly are. 

Hang in there, keep fighting to find that confidence and joy within yourself. Know that it doesn’t have to come from another person. But also know, it’s okay to allow someone to make you happy. It’s okay to allow someone close again. It’s okay to trust someone new. Not everyone has an evil plan to use and abuse you. Not everyone is full of hatred. Sometimes, you just got to wait for the person that shows you reality. And I’m thankful to have a couple people that do. 

My Grandma, she checks in on my daily. 

My best friend, she is my soul mate. 

My best friend since kindergarten, she is my sister. 

The guy that makes me smile, well, he makes me smile. 



It’s Okay to be Lonely Sometimes

It’s okay to be lonely! 

When you’re single, especially single and dealing with difficult life issues, you get to hear all the best chichés. 

“You need to learn to be happy alone.”

“You need to spend some time on yourself.”

“You won’t meet your person until you are happy alone.”

“Just because you accept that you’re alone right now, doesn’t mean you will be forever.”

“You’re not alone, you have me!”

Thanks, guys. Really helpful there! Suddenly, I’m no longer lonely! Damn, I’m a little sarcastic B word today. 

All jokes aside, it’s okay to feel lonely. Totally normal. For those of us with depression, that loneliness can be consuming, even when there is someone sitting right next to you. 

We weren’t created to go through life by ourselves. We were created to want to be around people. Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that people who are around others tend to live longer and be more happy. We were meant to find love and enjoy another person’s company. 

So, to those of you feeling alone, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. My biggest challenge is fighting off feeling pathetic when I am lonely. God, this world has made me feel like I’m being so incredibly weak by needing someone else. I’m supposed to handle shit on my own, be there for myself, all while being supportive to others. What? 

I’m going to say it, I’m single and I’m lonely. Hell, I was lonely half the time I was in a relationship! That’s another story.

It does not make me desperate or pathetic to be lonely. Just because I am feeling lonely doesn’t mean that I’m not happy alone. I love being alone. I NEED my alone time. But, right now, I’ve got too damn much alone time. And texting my best friend isn’t going to fix that. 

How can I be perfectly happy alone and still be lonely? Well, I’ve spent every day for the past year working on myself. The moment I left an unhealthy relationship, I began to work on myself. Every great self discovery story begins with a road trip. And I even did that. I’ve started therapy, I’ve gotten a dog, I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve done everything on the self improvement checklist. I’m good. I’m still reading my self help books, I’m still searching for healing, and I continue to work on myself. Just because I’m ready for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working on me. In fact, the opposite, because relationships help you to learn about yourself more. 

The fact that I feel lonely doesn’t mean that I’m pathetic. Sorry, I have to keep repeating that one for myself. I choose to see most things in a way of being able to grow and learn from them. So, how am I choosing to see being lonely? That there’s something in my life that needs improvement. That’s it. I’m unhappy with something, therefore I need to work on improving that. 

Now, this does not mean that I am willing to settle. Not at all. Trust me, I tried online dating. If I wanted to settle, I could have! But I didn’t. And I won’t. 

This doesn’t mean that you have to go out and look for someone, either. Because, honestly, it’s a waste of time. People are full of shit and there’s a lot of them out there. Looking for someone is heartbreaking. Especially looking for them online. Also, kinda funny. But that’s besides the point. 

No, what I mean by needing to improve this part of your life is to open up. Be willing. The reason I was so content alone was because I was too afraid to enter into a relationship just yet, I wasn’t ready. And when I realized that, I didn’t push it. I let life happen. Now that I’m feeling lonely, it’s because my heart is ready to trust someone. I’m finally ready to be willing to accept someone when they come into my life. Whoever it is. 

I crave morning cups of coffee with the man I trust. I want to walk with someone next to me while I walk my dog. It’s getting cold outside, I want some damn cuddles! And that’s all okay. 

I’m not looking for just anyone to fill these places. No, I’m waiting for the one that will be comfortable enough with me to enjoy sitting there in silence drinking our morning coffee. I’ve also come to the conclusion he must love coffee. 

For now, I will continue to be perfectly okay on my own. I’m not hating myself because the chair next to me is empty, but I’m hopeful that one day it won’t be. I’m okay going to a coffee shop alone and eating a whole pizza to myself. I got this single af life down. I know I can be strong and handle this. I realize that I don’t need someone in my life, but I actually want someone there. 

How amazing is it to be able to say that someone is in your life because you actually WANT them there? Not because you’re dependent on them, not because your self esteem and sense of purpose comes from them, no. You truly just enjoy that person’s company, you want them around because of who they are, not what they do for you. 

That’s why, I’m saying, it’s okay to be lonely. It’s a part of life. There’s a healthy lonely, like the one I’ve described. And, there’s an unhealthy lonely, usually caused by depression. You can tell the difference between the two, I know I can. During depression loneliness, I sought out dates on a dating app. During healthy loneliness, I deleted my dating apps and began to focus on my healing again. Keeping in mind, that when that one badass man comes along that understands my anxiety, I’ll be willing to let him into my little world. 


On A Date With Anxiety Plus Some Guy I’m Just Meeting

My original plan for today was to write about what it’s like getting ready for, and leading up to, a date when you have mental health issues. That’s why I took the above, “before” photo and then was going to document my entire getting ready process and all that fun shit. 

However, I got side tracked and completely forgot to document my getting ready routine. Which, turns out, is totally okay because the story alone of just getting TO my date is way better. 

Here’s the after photo, though! 

We were both running a bit late, me because I had to stop and get coffee before I went to see a movie. Makes sense. Anyway, on my way there driving didn’t seem so bad. And then, I almost hit someone on a bike going about 50mph and about died of a damn heart attack! Like, that was not an okay “almost” moment for my anxiety. At that point, the chain smoking was about to start.

And then, I got into the parking lot of, I swear, Arizona’s busiest dang mall! People were assholes, cutting in front of me, going around me, blocking traffic. I literally had a “fuck people” moment. This moment occurs when even coffee and a cigarette won’t calm my poor nerves!

So, giving up, I decided to try the parking garage. Boy, was that also a nightmare. It was like the people in the parking lot only in a smaller enclosed space. So, yeah, anxiety definitely was high. I was pissed off, stressed out, and just ready to go the hell home. But, no. I had a date. I was determined to go on this date. 

I finally get inside the mall, after finishing another cigarette.  I parked by Tiffany’s so, that at least brought a smile to my face as I love Audrey Hepburn. However, my smile quickly faded as I was forced to be walking in groups of people that didn’t give a shit about who they were cutting off and other people staring at me. I changed that mindset into, “damn, I must look good!” And then a hot guy complimented me on my shirt. He knew who Joan Jett was. Had I not been about to go on a date, I would have totally gotten his number, guys. Still actually kinda wondering why I didn’t. Oh, well! 

I finally made it through the Anxiety torture chamber and into the public restroom. Which was small and had a line. Which just meant a crowd of even MORE people in an even SMALLER space. I was seriously on the verge of tears. 

To make all this better, I was in the same location I had been in when I had my anxiety attack/meltdown after the movies. Thankfully, when I met up with my date, he was cool with not seeing the movie that started half am hour before we got there. So, we went to grab coffee. 

I was feeling so anxious and so incredibly uncomfortable by this point that I just wanted to go home. No offense to my date, this had nothing to do with him. I was so wrapped up in myself and worried about myself that I just had to get out of there and go back to my “safe place.” Aka: my patio in which I never leave anymore. 

After a day of chain smoking and attempting to get back out into life, I took myself a nice hot bubble bath and put a moisturizing face mask on. It was good to just relax and let life go. Let go of all the thoughts, anxieties, worries, everything. Of course, they all came back after my bath. But, it’s okay. It’s almost time to curl up with a good book and get some much needed sleep. Hopefully tomorrow morning will come with a much better day attached to it. 


And I’m Doing It Again

I haven’t been very good at this whole, not dating, thing. And, honestly, I’m not very good at the dating thing, either! However, the stories are too good to not be told and I have yet to learn my full lesson. I will try my best to not make fun of anyone else other than myself. Unless, they did anything like biker guy, then they deserve it. Although, as always, I will not use real names nor purposefully intend to harm another person.

Yeah, I was called out by a previous date that I wrote about. I hadn’t said anything badly about him, yet he didn’t like that he found out I was not interested by reading my blog. Unfortunately, I can’t change the past, only learn from it. 


Oh, where to begin. 

I’ll start catching you all up by telling you the story of the “man” that made me want to quit all men. Forever. 

I had decided to meet this guy after briefly talking to him on the OkCupid dating app. We both liked coffee, so we decided Starbucks would be a great place to meet. Unfortunately, the only Starbucks he knew of was in a grocery store but, it’s okay. I went along with it. 

I parked my car to text him that I was there, then he pulled up beside me on his motorcycle. I believe it was an Indian. Anyway, his beard was so long that he had it in a ponytail and, his hair long enough to put in a perfect man bun better than my years of ballet buns could ever teach me to do. I walked up to him, said it was perfect timing. 

We sat down with our drinks and I listened to mostly him go on about his crazy stories and his travels. He was living a life I’d only dreamt of living. I was so interested. When we were done with our coffee, we literally went grocery shopping. He need coffee creamer, I needed toilet paper. It was a win, win. That is, until his weed started to smell up the whole damn grocery store! Like, seriously, who takes an eighth of weed on a date to a grocery store? Probably stoners who are taking their dates to grocery stores…

We walked out and I was ready to give him a hug goodbye and be on my way. Sure, I wished we could have hung out longer but, the date seemed over. I have him a hug, and he invited me back to his place. I thought to myself, “why not? This guy doesn’t know me he obviously isn’t going to try something.” WRONG. 

I found myself in my first Netflix and chill session. Well, the first one with someone I didn’t know nor wanted to be “chilling” with. He held me down, made me cuddle with him as we watched standup comedy. I let him have the cuddling, guy wasn’t getting more than that. Then, he started making out with me. I told him multiple times, no. But he kept on persisting. I had a difficult time standing up for myself because I did honestly like him, but it was getting way too physical for me. I smoked a cigarette, and then left. 

The next day I was in the area again, thought I’d stop by and say, “hi.” Bad idea, again. We talked, catched up, and then he started giving me a back massage. There’s no way in hell I could have said no to the first back massage in a year! But, I should have. Because he took that as a sign to, well, put his hand up my skirt and grab my ass. While I’m telling him, no. I smiled, pretended I was playing hard to get, and kissed him goodbye. I then convinced myself that what had happened was perfectly normal. Totally okay. Even my best friend, who was on all sorts of drugs after having a baby, said she didn’t blame him! Probably not the best person for advice. 

Later that night, I realized biker guy had crossed a line. He broke multiple boundaries with me. And I was just letting him! I was being ridiculous! I got mad at myself, wondered why, again, I didn’t see what was happening while it was happening. I even ended up offering him a second damn chance! How stupid do I have to be?

Anyway, biker guy is history and I’m continuing on my dating journey. Who knows where it’ll lead, if it’ll lead anywhere at all. I mean, OkCupid is like online shopping for a partner. Why not just keep browsing? Not for me, I don’t want to keep browsing but, I know my fair share of people who do. 

I have a date tonight, guys. Wish me luck!


When You Finally Realize it’s Not Your Own Voice 

For years, I’ve struggled with the negative thoughts, or “voices” in my mind. The words coming from myself and my mother were the hardest to accept. The ones from others were tackled over time. It took me 10 years to realize I needed to begin work on the negativitiy from myself and my mother. But, after writing my last blog post, I realized that it may not be my mental health issues that caused me problems last night. I think there might be another trail of negative thoughts left behind from someone else. 

While I’ve taken every step possible to create distance from me and my toxic ex, his words are still engraved in my mind. I finally realize just why I was so uncomfortable last night. And God, do I wish I could have recognized it sooner. 

My ex had a difficult time understanding my social personality. I’m closed off, I don’t do well in groups of people, especially ones full of people I don’t know. I resort back to being as shy as I was in high school and earlier. I get quiet, and when I try to say something, it comes out wrong. 

He instilled in my mind that I come off as a bitch to the friends of the person I’m interested in. My ex’s best friend hated me so much at first, he tried to break us up. He won. After a while, his best friend understood I actually was cool, I just didn’t come off that way at first. However, my ex remained extremely hesitant to introduce me to people in fear I would be a bitch. He refused to introduce me to people. He told me I was a stuck up Arizona city girl with a bitchy attitude. He made me believe it. I didn’t even know until now that I believed him. 

Last night, I was so concerned with trying to make the perfect impression that I probably did come off as a bitch. Why? Because I was listening to my ex’s voice in my mind. Still haunting me. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get over this one. Hopefully, the guy I went out with continues to talk to me and remains in my life. Hopefully, he will give me a chance to warm up to him. Hopefully, he will let me explain. All I can do is hope. Even though, he asked if I wanted to possibly hang out for a third day in a row, I still feel like I fucked up. 

But, what I want to say is this: I know who I am. 

  • I’m caring
  • I’m loving
  • I’m happy
  • I’m funny
  • I’d do anything for someone that matters to me
  • I love deeply
  • I’m kind
  • There’s not an ounce of me that is hateful (yeah, I strongly dislike a few people)
  • I’m genuine
  • I’m a smart ass
  • I’m just plain smart
  • I’m talented
  • I’m deserving of love
  • I’m deserving of respect 
  • I’m not a bitch.


What it’s Like to Chill With A New Group When You Have Mental Health Issues

This story is solely based off of just one social anxiety experience that I have had. It does not in any way reflect the life of others nor is it exactly equal to every situation anyone, including myself, has experienced. 

Last night, I went out on a date. It was a second date with a guy I had just officially met the day before. He had invited me to go out with him and his friends to a pub and then we went back to one of their houses to play Cards Against Humanity. I felt like I was back in fucking high school, guys. 

I don’t mean by the way him and his friends acted, I pride myself on being one of “the guys.” I’m the girl that wears high heels and a ton of makeup but can crack one of the dirtiest jokes around. I win every time at Cards Against Humanity. I’m freaking hilarious and I’m able to be that way without demeaning anyone or lowering my moral standards. I think I’m pretty badass about it, actually. That is, until I’m met with a group of guys I know nothing about. They don’t seem like my typical guy friends, and I’m way out of my league. Shit. 

We sat around the table last night at the pub. Everyone with a beer except for me, keeping my promise to my readers that I would no longer drink. I was tempted, but I didn’t. Every guy there was nice, with his own twisted sense of humor. The racist jokes flying, the sexist jokes being created, and laughter all around. Even me, I can have a twisted sense of humor at times, too. But, not on their level, and not with people I don’t know. 

I tried here and there to make a sarcastic comment, I think I made one joke that was laughed at. I know I come off as a bitch when I’m shy and when my jokes aren’t taken correctly, I was making an ass out of myself all night. I think my date even “ssh’d” me once. Which, was totally called for if no one understood the sarcasm of my joke. Without the humor, it was just a plain out bitchy ass, rude comment. Or maybe I’m just over thinking things, who knows.

When you’re with a group of unfamiliar people, and you have social anxiety, you crawl into your shell. You listen, you pretend to laugh, but the jokes aren’t being well received through that outer wall you’ve built up. To make things worse, my afternoon medication, as I like to call it, in reality it’s an ADD medication, isn’t working at all. So, being in a loud bar with lots going on, I kept zoning out. I was not pleasant company. 

To top off the bar experience last night, not only was I struggling with my alcohol addiction, but my PTSD. See, normally I’d have absolutely no problem pulling someone aside and being like, you can’t make that joke around me. But, for some reason, I felt like I was being tested for how “cool” I was. So, I didn’t say anything. But then the date rape jokes came up and the nazi jokes ran wild, I wanted to break down. A little background on the PTSD and Nazi jokes, let’s just say that going to an old concentration camp will change a person forever. I believe everyone should go to at least a museum on the subject. 

After that was all said and done, we headed back to one of the guys’ houses. I thought this was my oppurtunity. There wouldn’t be the noisy bar to drown my thoughts, I could actually function. Damn, was I wrong. Turns out, my need for approval from this guy and his friends was so high, I could barely function still. He held my hand, he did small little physical things to show he was interested, but I was still a nervous wreck inside. I felt like every time I opened my mouth some comment would come out in a bitchy tone and I’d ruined everything. I kept apologizing to everyone, saying how sorry I was that I was awkward. I haven’t felt this way in a while. There were at least two times that night I just wanted to allow myself to have a panic attack. I didn’t want to seem overly emotional, so I kept quiet. 

After my date, I texted him to thank him for inviting me. I apologized again. And I’ll probably apologize again today. That’s just what anxiety has us do. 

I went to my best friend’s house last night at 3am because I needed to feel at peace. I needed to be around someone who understood me, so I didn’t feel so crazy and out of control. We hung out for a bit, cuddled up and watched some Netflix. Eventually, I passed the hell out. So did he. I woke up a couple hours later and came home. It felt good to be understood after that night, I needed it. 

Dating when you have a mental illness feels like a lot of mistakes, a lot of opening up quickly, and a lot of apologizing. I know I don’t need to do these things, but I genuinely like this guy, I want him to understand. I’ll try anything to help people understand. 

All in all, his friends were great and hilarious, I laughed and had fun. I just hadn’t been that shy since, well, my first boyfriend in high school. I was out of my comfort zone without the proper coping mechanisms. Okay, without my bad coping mechanisms. Guess that’s something to talk to my therapist about. Oh, also my date was super sweet, and I like his cuddles. 


A Letter to the “Man” Who Called Me Crazy

*This post contains subject matter that may be a trigger. Again, I am not a danger to myself or others. I had my therapy appointment yesterday. I encourage everyone to seek professional help.*

Dear man child,

“You seem obsessed… it’s kinda scary.” “You’re just so attached to me. I hope you find the right doctor.” “You’re crazy.” Those are the words you said to me. Those are the words I want to thank you for. Had it not been for those words, I would have cried myself to sleep last night wondering why you can’t see that I care for you.

Something in me snapped last night. When I read those simple words, “You’re crazy” I got myself back. Anyone who truly cares for me would never call me crazy. And I knew in that moment I was not only in a battle against you, but a battle against my own self. A battle I was desperate to win.

See, the past few weeks I’ve been waiting around for someone to save me. I begged my friends, anyone to do something to save me. I couldn’t find my strength. When you showed back up I began to feel anxious. Not because I’m attached to you, but because for so long I’ve felt there is no escaping you. You always show back up, it’s just a matter of time. You’ll find me again, I know it. Whether you’re searching for me on social media, or I run into you one day, I know this isn’t the end of our story. And that’s okay.

It’s okay because you no longer have power over me. I made that clear to you last night. I told you that if you contact me again, I will get the law involved. And damn, am I serious. I’m not going to stand for emotional abuse any longer. You’re gone, I’m not afraid to get rid of anyone else who tries to drag me back down. You helped me find my strength again.

Now, I want to show the world just what a crazy, badass, strong woman looks like who has been through abuse. Physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Someone who has come out strong after this, but still seems to be weak every now and then.

This is what strength looks like when you have so little of it left. It’s a bandage to hide a new scar. It’s a shirt that hasn’t been washed in weeks. It’s a light makeup application with bright lipstick to make it seem like I put effort into how I looked. It’s a cigarette in anticipation of what’s coming next. 

You didn’t message me at all yesterday, and I’m thankful for that. Well, until last night, anyway. You gave me a chance to live my day. I went to my therapy appointment, this photo was taken beforehand. This photo was minutes before I would tell my therapist that I was self harming again. Before I would tell him you’ve shown back up. Before I would look him in the eyes and say, “I’m not doing so good.”

This is a woman ashamed of her scars. This is me after I found myself again. Waking up to a new day, with a reminder of the past. Which is all you are to me now, the past. I am ashamed because I let someone who cares so little have so much control over my state of mind. I let you drive myself to depression. I let you make me feel numb again. All of my emotional energy was being drained into our conversations. 

Now, I’ve gotten my emotional energy back. I can feel the pain of this scar, and it doesn’t feel good. I can feel the love in my heart for myself, and that does feel good. I can feel the stress of having to get work done, and it suprisingly feels great.

 I have battle wounds, battle scars. And that’s okay. It shows just how strong I am. That I can at one moment be so broken, and the next pick myself back up again. With the help of my God, my friends, and myself I will not fall. I may stumble again, but it won’t be because of you. I keep a screenshot of last night’s conversation to remind myself of how strong I need to be.

 I have not blocked your number, for I’m not hiding anymore. When I change my number, I will not give it to you. If you find me again, I will not be hurt by you. The moment you called me crazy, I lost all sympathy for you. I lost all respect for you. 

I do, however, still care. I told you that my friend and I would pray for you this week, and I will continue to do so. I will not contact you. I will not lower myself to make you feel better. My life begins now, as free as a bear in the wild. I’m coming back out of hibernation. And this time I will enjoy the sunlight on my face.

Stay strong, take care of yourself. But don’t you dare make another human being feel as worthless as I allowed you to make me feel.


And I Quit

**This post contains subjects that may be triggers. It includes talk of self harm. I want to let everyone know, I am not a danger to myself or to others. I have a therapy appointment in just a couple hours where I will seek help on my way to recovery. If you are struggling, please seek help.**

Just a few weeks ago, I downloaded a dating app. Today, I’m here to tell you that dating is bullshit. Like, seriously, why do people actually WANT to do this? Guys, you’re wasting your hard earned money on girls who just want free food. Girls, you’re not going to find a soul mate in the guy whose profile picture is him shirtless. Just ain’t gonna happen.

I will admit, I have met some pretty cool people while using this app. I’ve met writers, college guys, and musicians. I’ve met people who just moved into town, and people who have grown up here. I’ve met a couple really decent guys and a few not so great ones. I’m sorry, but anyone who “dabs” is not right for me. And I mean the dance move, if you take dabs then you’re a stoner and I love you.

Recently, I decided not to write about my dating experiences anymore. It bit me in the ass when I wrote about how I didn’t want to go on one date. He read it. I ended up hurting someone who was nice and thoughtful. I felt like such a bitch. He then thought I went on a pity date with him, which was not my intention. I just didn’t know how to politely tell one of the sweetest guys that I was not interested. See? Dating is bullshit.

The reasoning behind why I quit dating runs a bit deeper than it just being bullshit. Yes, getting guy’s hopes up and letting them down isn’t fun. And neither is when they never text you back. But, I need to quit to save myself.

There’s been a couple events lately that triggered my anxiety. Plus one work project that has brought up some stress. This makes a great cocktail for depression. Speaking of cocktails, guys love to grab a beer hell, so do I. But, I’ve decided to quit drinking and I’ve been on Mill Ave way too much lately on dates.

I’ll be honest, I’ve self harmed recently and decided it wasn’t a big deal. However, on my way home last night I heard a song that should have made me cry, it didn’t. So, I listened to a song I knew would make me cry. And while I did cry, I still felt nothing. No saddness, no disappointment, no anger. So, I began scratching my arm. Yes, with my fingernails. Gross, I know. It was the only way I could feel something, anything.

So, with this having happened I made another tough choice. One of many to come. I deleted the app so I may focus on myself. I’m going on one last date tonight, just because he seemed interesting. Also, because he wants coffee. I can’t predict the future, so I’ll be upfront and honest with him. If he’s not scared off, maybe we’ll have another date seeing tonight goes well. If not, then I continue this journey with little distraction. 

The point to this is, I want everyone to know it’s okay to be single. I’ve been single for a year now, and I’m much happier. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but none of us are ever truly alone. If you feel that you are, I encourage you to seek friendship online. Whether you, yourself get a dating app, or join an online forum. But do, be careful. Don’t share personal information with strangers. And, of course, feel free to email me for a friend to talk to. 

Take the first step in loving yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Hide away if you need to, get out if you need to. No one deserves to be sad and lonely, we’re human. We were designed for community, love, and happiness.


I’d Rather be Binge Watching Netflix

Someone once told me I should write a piece on dating. Ironically, I went out on a date with him. Unfortunately, I don’t think he thought that one through. Sorry man, you’re about to have your story told.

Dating is the literal worst thing ever. Like, I do not understand why people do this shit for fun! I mean, guy spends tons of money on girl. Girl has to make sure her friends know where she is at all times of the night. Plus, it’s like being at a damn interview about your personal life. Like, I don’t know what I do for fun. Sit around and do nothing, that is all I do. Oh, you go hiking? Cool. I can’t because I smoke too many cigarettes and will die.

I don’t have a way to meet people in person, I don’t currently have a job that has me out of the house and when I hang out with my friends it’s just me and my friends. So, when I first was single I decided to try Tinder. Worst mistake ever. Recently, I decided I’d try OkCupid. The guys I’ve talked to seem to be a bit more respectful, yet the process is the same. You text, you meet up, you spend a few hours awkwardly talking to each other, then you leave and probably never see them again. Even if you enjoyed their company, you’ll probably never hear from them again. At all. Ever.

The problem is, we all want instant gratification. With a dating app, the possibilities are endless as to who you can meet. Except, you know, someone actually looking to get to know you. Why? Because you get that first date, that’s it. You don’t get multiple dates to try and get to know someone, and if you do then you feel like you’re leading them on if eventually you decide they might not be the best fit for you. 

When I first started using Tinder, my roommate at the time had met her boyfriend through the app. I figured it was worth a shot to get to know someone new! And damn was I wrong. 

The first guy I went out with was sweet, yet he wanted to kiss me at the end of out first date. I had to awkwardly turn him down because, honestly, I didn’t know the dude. I’m not a touchy person. Touching people I do not know, and even some I do know, creeps me out. By the end of our second date, I felt almost trapped. I had to kiss him, there was no getting out of it. Okay, well, there’s always a way to get out of it and honestly, if you are not comfortable GET OUT OF IT. Being me, I willingly sacrificed my boundaries for him to be comfortable. (Never again.) Turns out, this was the worst kiss ever. It was just plain terrible. And he loved it. I could not get away fast enough! By our third date, he was talking about kids and a future. I couldn’t keep going. 

The next guy I tried to date, was just an immature ass. He doesn’t even get a story. Why? Because he had me meet him at 3 different bars just to stand me up. Online dating is the worst.

My last Tinder story is one of much disappointment. I went out for drinks with this hot guy, he even ordered my drink for me. Normally, I’d be pissed. But dang, do I love Jameson and Ginger ale now! We talked, there was no awkwardness and we got along. He even smoked cigarettes. After our dinner, we stood outside and smoked. Talked about our favorite movies and such. Earlier, he had described his home as looking like a place to take a girl to rape her. That was all that was in my mind as he asked if I’d like to go back to his place for some vodka. Yeah, no thanks. And I went back home. To my own home. 

Oh, also, I went out with a guy I’m pretty sure was 18 once. At least I hope he was 18, dude was not 24 like he said.

While my dates from OkCupid have been a bit better, they’re still nothing short of a total disaster. Much like my social life.

My first date went amazingly well. Sure, the guy talked a bit too much about himself, but it was okay. I saw him and I being more along the lines of good friends. But, I decided to give him a chance. I let him take me to Oktoberfest and we saw Lil John “dj’ing.” I was relaxed, we had some good conversation and then I found out how much of a Lil John fan he is. The guy I was with was dabbing. And I’m sorry, if you are dabbing it should have something to do with smoking weed, not a dance move. You look like an idiot. Well, we were watching some famous guy press a play button and yell cuss words at us.

That night didn’t end well as he had gotten a little too touchy for me. He did nothing wrong, except continued to touch me after I had asked him to stop. He also kissed me quite a few times. And while they weren’t bad kisses, I did not want to be kissed. I was being yelled at by Lil John. Not in the mood to kiss some guy while someone is yelling, “yeAHuh” into a microphone.  

Although, since he was nice I gave him a chance at a third date. And boy, do I regret that shit. The entire time we were on our phones talking to other people, hell I even decided it’d be a good idea to get wasted. Turns out, my carpet would say that was a worse idea than going on the date to begin with. My poor carpet. And poor me who had to clean up after my sick self while hungover and trying to not make an even bigger mess.

I eventually decided to text one of my good friends to rescue me. He came and saved my drunk ass and took me home. That was possibly one of the most awkward dates I had ever been on, oh, except for the one time it happened before!

I had actually met a guy through friends, and he was the worst date ever. I had to pay $80 for our first dinner. Never got paid back. Then, one night he took me out and got me drunk. I had to call one of my friends to save me out of that situation as well. Sitting in a bar with the guy to your left crushing on you, the guy to your right being protective, and you in the middle secretly crushing on guy who saved you, is definitely the most awkward thing ever.

Now, I have a date tomorrow with a guy who looks exactly like my father because he’s too nice and I couldn’t say no. Someone please, save me. 

The one thing I’ve learned from all of this is that manatee stuffed animals make better dates than boys do. Also, I’d rather cuddle up and binge watch the Ranch with my best guy friend for 6 hours than to sit through another meal I feel guilty for making a guy pay for.