It’s In The Little Things

Usually when we think of self care we think of brushing our teeth, showering, and getting a good night’s rest or eating healthy. But when we’re depressed, those things can seem like way too much to handle. 

Well, self care is in the little things we do, too. It’s in the things that make us happier without even realizing it. The things that we take for granted often. You don’t have to go out of your way in order to take care of yourself. 

I challenge you to write down 10 self care things you’re doing without realizing it. Take a moment to think back on them, how does it feel to realize you actually are taking care of yourself? Be grateful. 

Here’s mine:

1. Drinking my coffee. 

Every morning, I sit outside and drink my coffee with my boyfriend. We don’t say much, we just look at Facebook and share funnt memes with each other. It’s a nice time when there is no pressure to do things or to talk. Just each other’s could company and a good cup of coffee.

I also usually spend my days drinking coffee, or at least taking coffee breaks throughout the day. It’s something I enjoy, sitting down to write or even just sitting down to enjoy the coffee.

2. Watching TV. 

I’ll be honest, I usually hate watching tv. Partially because I feel like I’m wasting time, partially because we don’t have cable and there’s never anything on. That is, unless I want to start watching Days of Our Lives and having something to talk to my mother about. But today, I sat down and watched travel shows with my boyfriend while we ate a couple snacks. It was a nice way to relax and gave us something to talk about. 

3. Naps. 

When I feel overwhelmed, the one thing I want to do is nap. It’s a great break from the world, and is required when you have depression and anxiety for some people. To just turn off the noise in our minds, it can help save us. 

4. Snacks. 

When I’m depressed, I don’t eat. So, it’s a great idea to keep little healthy snacks in the house. I sometimes go overboard and will eat the majority of the snacks in one sitting. However, that’s usually when they’re unhealthy ones. By keeping healthy snacks like popcorn (not movie theater popcorn) and salads I’m able to eat light and keep myself going. 

5. Friends. 

By this, I mean the tv show. It’s nice to check out of reality and enjoy the laughter of this show. It lifts my mood and helps me feel better. That’s about it, it’s one of my go to shows. The other being, Gilmore Girls.

6. Actual Friends. 

I’ll be honest here, I’ve lost a lot of friends recently. Between my isolation of depression and being consumed by a new relationship, I haven’t seen my friends lately. Also, quitting drinking probably had something to do with it, too. I love my friends, even the ones I no longer talk to, but the ones I do have make my days so much easier. I know I have friends in Tennessee that just want the best for me. I know I have a friend in California that will always be by my side. And I know I have my boyfriend’s sisters (who I considered my own sisters even before I met him) that will always pick me up when I’m down. Truly, my best friend in the world is one of my rocks. Without her, who knows where I’d be.

7. Thrift Stores.

I love thrift store shopping recently, mainly at Goodwill. Every other week they have half off days and I can get a shirt for like, $2. We’ve bought furniture and repainted them, we’ve bought little things here and there to make the apartment nice. It gives me something to do, and I love it. 

8. Therapy. 

Something that can start to seem routine, especially if you go often. But it’s nice to sit down and talk about how your life is going and get professional advice as to what to do next. My therapist is the best I’ve had, and he helps me to figure out what steps I should take to get back into life. Now, if only I’d listen to him every time. 

9. Writing. 

Getting my thoughts out and sharing them has made a huge impact on me. Normally, I’d keep everything bottled up. But lately, I’ve been sharing almost everything and it feels so good. I hate keeping journals because I’ll write things now and never read them again. But here, my thoughts and ideas have the power to help others and to inspire. And that means the world to me. 

10. Going To Church.

Something I haven’t done in months, but will begin again starting tomorrow. Church is a great place for inspiration for me. And I love it. I’ll be honest, I’m not always a fan of people you find at church. You know, the ones who like to pretend their lives are perfect. However, there are people there who are broken hearted sinners searching for hope, just like me. And those, those are my people. 

If you feel like it, share your 10 things in the comments! I’d love to know what you do for self care, and you might even inspire me or someone else to try something new! 



And Here’s A Little Plot Twist

In keeping with stay truthful and honest, I have some news for my readers about my mental health condition. 

Currently, I am stable and thinking clearly. However, this was not the case as of yesterday and has not been the case since Monday. This is just a lull, a calm in the middle of the storm. And while I am grateful for the break, I know this is still to be taken seriously. 

As many of you know, I have not been able to function nor think clearly. I have been struggling with my self esteem greatly. Yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and was so full of hate and disgust that it turned to rage and I hit the bathroom counter so hard that my hand hurt even as I fell asleep last night. I was in pain all day. 

I’ve been struggling greatly with feelings of worthlessness and anger. This is believed to be a depression caused by chemical issues as I’ve had my medication changed. I do not have anything currently treating my depression. 

So, to update you all, I will be headed to the hospital either tomorrow or Saturday. My doctor is currently on vacation and so my only option for help is the emergency room. I’m only waiting because I feel I am able to control myself for another day or so. 

In the meantime, I will be trying to keep myself busy doing projects and keeping in touch with close friends and family. 

I want to make it clear, while I am terrified of having to go to the hospital, it does not make me weak. It makes me stronger to accept that I need help. Do not be afraid to seek help and reach out if you are not doing well. Save yourself. 


Where Did I Go?

Has anyone seen me? Because I can’t seem to find myself anymore. 

I don’t know if this is due to being on the wrong medication, a Depressive Episode, or maybe just a lot of stress and anxiety. Whatever it is, it’s stolen me from myself and I can’t get back. 

I used to enjoy things like doing my makeup, now I can’t bear the thought of it. Anything I want to do is seen as pointless because it’ll never be “good enough.” I can’t get this thinking out of my head, and it’s killing me inside. 

To top it all off, it’s made my self esteem take a huge dive. I can’t help but think I’m the ugliest thing out there. I can’t help but feel gross and pathetic. I keep comparing myself to all those women on Pinterest and Instagram, as if anyone can actually look like that all the time. 

Yesterday, someone told me they were proud of me, that I’m inspiring. I just wanted to tell them that they messaged the wrong girl, I’m worthy of neither of those compliments. I mean, have you seen my kitchen? What about the bathroom? I’m not worthy of anything. 

I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this negative thinking trap and I can’t get out. I don’t know which way to go. Do I turn to my self help books? Do I turn to yoga? How do I get back out of this? 

Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment today. Hopefully it’ll help some. But, the real help comes not until the 22nd. It seems so far away, but I’ll make it there. I’m sure of it. 

Until then, I’ll keep fighting to stay strong. I will win this battle, I will find my way around the dark pit of depression. 


That Damn Wall (No, not the one Trump wants to build)

What I mean by that damn wall, is that lovely mental block a lot of us with mental health issues tend to get. You know the one, where you feel like you can conquer the world one moment and then the next you hit face first into a brick wall and suddenly your nose is bleeding and you’re sitting on the ground crying? 

Okay, hopefully your nose isn’t bleeding, if it is please get help for that. But the crying on the floor, yeah, that’s a reality most of us face. Sometimes on a daily basis. And it sucks!

I finally felt ready to kick my ass into gear. I started reading a book on blogging, to help bring you all the greatest of content. And as soon as I started working on the first step of my journey, simply following other blogs, I got stuck. Just right there, I ran into that damn wall! Anyone know how to break this thing apart? Is there a way around it? How ’bout a shovel, anyone got a shovel I could borrow?

Anyway, so, I’m here. Physically sitting in my lovely patio chair drinking coffee and chain smoking, as always. But in my mind, I’m standing in a desert with this giant wall in my face and green grass with roses and trees on the other side. Some clouds, too cause it’s hot right now. Black pants and sitting in the sun… my legs are on fire! 

Everyone’s favorite advice is to “just push though, force yourself to do it.” What they don’t realize is the strength of this wall that I’m up against! I’m not making excuses, but damn is it a strong wall. I want a house made out of this shit. With a wall made out of this around it to keep the stupid out. Sorry, I’m in a mood today. They’re renovating the apartment above me and I swear if I have to listen to this guy’s music any longer I’m going to go up there and tell him to turn it down like the grumpy old man my soul truly is. 

What do you do when you’re in this position? There’s no pushing through, there’s no forcing it, what do you do? In the past, I’d wait only to find out the wall isn’t that long and I could have walked around it the whole time without exhausting any energy. Sometimes, the wall has been bigger. 

I wish I had all the answers. But, I don’t. If I did I’d just tell you to push through and force yourself to do it anyway. We all know that shit doesn’t work and those people don’t actually have all the answers. Sure, maybe it worked for them but we’re all different. Also, chances are those people have never struggled with a mental illness in the first place. That’s why they can just do things they don’t want to. 

My cousin sent me a little something he wrote, wanted my opinion on it. He as well has struggled with some of the same issues as I have. He wrote about motivation, how it can be flaky and fickle and isn’t reliable in the slightest. He mentioned that discipline is what’s to be relied on. And while I fully agree, I know just how hard it is to learn how to do that. Let me explain. 

See, discipline was not something taught very well to me. 

I didn’t like ballet anymore? Okay, you can quit.

 Playing guitar hurts your fingers? Alright, you’ll find something else. 

Public school is causing you anxiety? Cool, we’ll take you out of it. 

Don’t want to do your homeschool work? That’s fine, I don’t want to do it either. 

I could go on, but you get my point. I grew up watching Gilmore Girls, QVC, and Days of Our Lives. These are the things that taught me how to live. What did I see in real life? Sitting on the sofa watching tv or playing video games is a totally acceptable way of life.

So, now that I’m in my twenties, I’m kinda failing at this whole “adulting” thing. My life at the moment started out because I needed time to get my mental health in order. It was much needed, definitely. But, when does it end? When do I start life back up? Truth is, I keep finding excuses. Whether it’s my medicine making me unstable, the fact my boyfriend relies on me to get to and from work, or that I haven’t had a job in over a year therefore making it kinda impossible to be hired somewhere. 

I’m the queen of making excuses. Why can’t I go to the gym? Well, because I have bad knees. Why can’t I call and get information on DBT therapy? Well, because I can’t process information well right now. Why can’t I Better my blog? Because there’s this damn wall in front of me!

I get it now, the wall is an excuse we build. Sure, we don’t always build it on purpose, but sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re building it. And once we’ve realized it’s built, we need to be proud of our smallest of accomplishments towards tearing it down. Me reading that book and then not following through on following blogs isn’t me adding to the wall, not at all. Instead, reading that book was me tearing it down a little bit. It took some energy, now I need to rest before I go and follow blogs. It may take a while, doing things this slowly, but it’s getting done!

I love the days when I write a post like this and end up realizing some deep shit. So, basically what I’m trying to say is take your time. Don’t force it all to happen right now. Instead, do what you can, take a break, do something happy, then get back to kicking ass and breaking down that damn wall! Make Donald Trump hate you for tearing down a wall!


Life Can Change

This man inspires the hell out of me. 

I started this blog as a way to inspire others, to share hope, and to let others know they’re not alone. So, I felt the need to share a story I love. 

Before I begin, I didn’t ask permission to write this so, I’ll be leaving out many details for respect. Thank you for understanding. 

Yesterday, was a day like any day. We went and got our hair done, we went Goodwill hunting, and we painted a coffee table. However, yesterday, he was still on probation. Today, that’s a different story. 

For the first time in years, Steven isn’t on probation, nor is he in prison. And I couldn’t be more proud of him. This month he celebrates being off of probation. 

I can’t even begin to believe how much he has been through, how much he has seen. I didn’t have the privilege of knowing him until we officially met on our way to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, we didn’t meet until going to his family’s event because, it just so happens that his sisters are my best friends and also a great source of inspiration to me. 

Lately, I’ve caught myself feeling down and bad about my life. While it’s so much greater now that he’s in it, I still feel like there’s something missing. Maybe it’s an education or a career, those have been bothering me lately. I’ve been feeling stuck and trapped because of my mental health, and now that I think about it, I imagine he’s probably felt that way too. 

It’s sometimes hard to look at the future with hope and with courage. It can be so taunting. And when you can’t even see what your weekend will look like, it’s hard to see what it looks like at the end of the tunnel of depression. I don’t know when this will end, I’ve been struggling for years, and coming up to a year of not having done much other than focus on my healing. It’s been over a year since I’ve held a job, and that makes it that much harder. 

He didn’t know when exactly his probation would end, he had no clue until about a month ago that there was a good chance he’d actually get off early. Just like I don’t know when my depression will end, but there’s hope. I know one day it will end and I will live a life I’m proud of. 

The thing that gets me in patience. There’s a chance that I could start school again in the fall. A small chance, but I’m still clinging to it. Holding out hope that maybe, just maybe I can turn my life around. I’ve made a lot of mistakes that have ended me up in my own form of probation. Which, I’ve actually been on before so I know what I’m talking about. It’s like, you’ve got to prove to someone you’re worthy of having a full life again. I say this because I basically have to prove to my grandmother, who will pay for my education, that I’m worthy of taking a risk again. 

My odds are slim, I’ve dropped out and failed so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve even been to jail and I’ve made some mistakes that have not done who I am any justice. I’ve been lost searching for peace in all the wrong places. I haven’t had it rough by any means, at least I don’t believe I have. I’ve been homeless, but always had a roof over my head. I’ve been a drunk, but always had company to take care of me. I’ve been kicked out, but always had a place to go. I’ve lived in a hotel, but had friends to see me through. I’ve never gone hungry, I’ve never truly been alone, and I’ve never had all my freedom taken from me. Above all, my God has always watched out over me. My life has been rocky, but I’m blessed to say I’ve survived. 

Looking at Steven’s life, I know change is now possible. I can work hard, dedicate myself to it, and know that one day things will be different. I won’t always be sitting out on my patio drinking coffee all day feeling stressed because my brain won’t work. I have goals, things I want to work towards. Things I want to accomplish. 

So, thank you Steven, thank you for having a story that opened my eyes to the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer. You are such an amazing man, you have grown for the better, and even though sometimes you get on my last nerve (and embarrass the hell out of me) I will love you for always. You constantly help me save myself. You don’t even try, it just comes naturally. You’re the hand I’ve wanted to hold while I figure things out for myself. You encourage me, remind me things are okay, and you love me even though I keep you up at night because I’m moody and emotional. 

I love you. 


I Don’t Feel Guilty 

Right now, my boyfriend is doing the dishes that I could not do yesterday. Normally, this would make me feel extremely guilty. But not today, no, not today.

He works hard, comes home, and has to pick up the slack of things I couldn’t do. So, why am I not feeling guilty? 

Because I’m accepting that right now, I’m depressed. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m taking it easy until I find my way around the dark pit. I’ve got a journey ahead of me, and I need to be kind to myself. Yes, he shouldn’t have to work and come home then do the things I couldn’t, but he understands and he doesn’t mind. 

So, today I’ll do what I can and enjoy what I can. And when I can’t do something, I’ll be okay with it. 


I Will Survive

Today is Friday. Just one more day until I’m not alone all day. I just have to survive today. And I can do it. You can do it, too. 

I know what it’s like to feel depression slipping back into your life. It’s like you’re walking along a flat surface then, all of a sudden, there’s a cliff and you stop. Toes right on the edge. You look down and you see the familiar dark pit of depression. You don’t want to fall, falling is the scariest part because you’re still there. You know once you fall, it’ll be a hard landing but, there’s pillows and blankets down there to comfort you once you get the strength to crawl over to them. Although, those pillows and blankets end up chaining you down and you can’t move. It’s comforting, yet, uncomfortable. It’s an odd combination. You never know when you’ll be able to escape those chains, and you don’t want to go through that again. 

So, you stand there, tears flowing down your face. Your friend is standing at a distance, telling you, “focus on the other side, make a path around the pit.” But, you can’t see the other side and that scares you even more. You’re more tempted to just fall because, at least you know it’s there. Who knows what lies on the other side? But, maybe that’s where faith comes in. 

You’ll sit down, hang your legs over the edge and wait. Filling your time up with your favorite tv shows and food. Maybe a few cigarettes because you’re still a little scared. Eventually, your significant other will walk up to you and sit with you. Holding your hand. But, they can’t move you. They can’t keep you from falling, and they may sit there and watch as you fall. 

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll have the strength to stand up and they’ll stand up with you. Still holding on. And you’ll both begin to walk along the edge until you find the end. It may take a day, it may take weeks, but you’ll find it. You may even have to sit down and rest, hanging your feet over the edge again. They may have to walk away to take care of themselves, but they’ll be back. Some parts you may even have to walk alone. You’ll be okay. 

I’m going to have faith. Have faith that on the other side of this pit lies flowers and sunshine. Roses for miles. Trees so tall they bring all the shade you could need. I’m going to be dreaming of this place, knowing that one day I’ll make it there. Whether I have to walk around the pit, or climb back out of it, I’ll make it there. 


A Break From Illness

Today, I’m taking a break. I’m taking a break from being hard on myself, from hating myself, from forcing myself to do things, from feeling guilty about napping, and from all the other little negative things in my mind. 

I’m taking a break from depression. 

Depression isn’t a part of my day today, not at all. Today, I will do simple little things I enjoy like watching Netflix and reading books. I will escape life in healthy and happy ways. I will be kind to myself, loving, and letting myself rest. 

The hardest part of all of this is for me to be okay with it. I’m always so much harder on myself than anyone knows. I can’t bear the days when I want to do things, but I just can’t. I can’t stand those moments when I just can’t process information. 

Today, today is a day for me. I don’t know what all I’ll do, but I’ll enjoy it. 


Coffee, Fritos, and Gilmore Girls

Some days recovery from depression looks like false eyelashes, high heels, and getting shit done. Other days, it looks like curling up in a ball on the floor, tears of mascara falling down your face, and desperately seeking answers and inspiration in your favorite books and tv shows. 

Yesterday, was false eyelashes. Today, was curling up on the floor. Yeah, that’s right. I hit my knees, lowered my head, and asked God to just help me as tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t find a book I wanted to read, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t find Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the dogs were fighting, and people upstairs sounded like they were about to tear down the damn place! Of course I cried! I had control over nothing. 

Then, by some miracle, I was able to watch Netflix on my phone and, of course, chose the lovely Gilmore Girls as my place of escape. Nothing inspires me more than traveling to Stars Hallow and being reminded that life is a mess. But, there’s humor in everything. And coffee. 

I was watching one of the new episodes, one where Rory takes an unpaid job at the Stars Hallow Gazette. It was enough inspiration to get me out of bed and out onto my patio to write this. 

I’m where I need to be at the moment. As much as I want a “normal life” I know I couldn’t handle one right now. Just the dogs barking and people being loud upstairs is enough to make me cry. And that’s okay. Because right now, I’m growing. There will be something to learn from all of this. There will be something I can look back and say, I’m thankful for the time off I took. 

My biggest challenge right now is to not run away. All I want to do is pack my bags and get on a plane. Travel, escape my life. But, I know that’s not possible. It’s not where I need to be at the moment. For some reason, I need to be here at home. I need to be writing my stories and celebrating the life I’ve lived thus far. 

One day, I’ll have a job. One day, I’ll have a family. One day, just one day. But I can’t handle all that right now. And that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s all okay. 


Recovery: Just Another Morning

I was on top of the world. I had enough time to get ready for the day before taking my boyfriend to work, so when I got home I wasn’t feeling so damn lazy. I was going to set up my workspace, work on some photos, and work on my blog a bit. But, that didn’t happen.

I can home to this lovely, giant dog having had an “accident” in the bedroom. I’m calling it an accident to be polite, but he knows damn well not to go inside. He was walked this morning. There was no excuse. I still love this dog, but damn. I can’t stand him at the same time. 

When you have a mood disorder, it takes just one thing to ruin your day. Normal people would sigh, clean it up, and go about their day. Not me. No, it’s not that easy. Now, I’m in a bad mood and everything I do from now on will be a challenge. I don’t want it to ruin my day, so I will try my best to continue on with my plans. 

I’m breathing. I’m smoking a cigarette, and I’m calming the hell down. I made a fresh pot of coffee and I’m about to enjoy some breakfast. Today will be a good day, no matter what.