Lifestyle, mental health

Stay At Home Dog Mom


I love the title, “stay at home dog mom.” It puts such a positive spin on my life. It makes it sound like I’m actually doing something, taking care of something. But, I’m not. Not really. My boyfriend feeds the dogs, he walks them, and does everything else for them. But I’ve got the cuddles. 

See, for the past year, I’ve been a stay at home dog mom. Not a very good one by any means, but one nonetheless. 

A year ago depression hit me hard. It left me in bed binge watching Friends for a month straight. Depression made me leave school, again. And I was actually doing well that time. I can’t help but look back and feel helpless. Why couldn’t I just find the strength to keep going? Why in the hell couldn’t I just get up. If I had known the impact of my choices, would I have gotten out of bed? I would have a life right now, I would be working and have friends and be a human. But, I feel as though I’m none of those things. Not anymore. 

These days, I do good to get up and go to a coffee shop for a few hours. Hell, lately I do good to get up and make it to my front porch. I slept until 2pm yesterday. 

I feel as though the outside world may be judging me. When they ask what I’ve been up to, I’ve got nothing to say. I mean, I could say I’ve been working on my depression, but that’s not an “appropriate” response. 

I wish there had been something else I’ve fully committed myself to working on. I wish I were selling things online, starting a business, traveling, doing SOMETHING. But, there’s not.

I feel ashamed. I feel like my life isn’t mine anymore. I wake up, take my boyfriend to work, come home, and sleep the day away until it’s time to pick him back up. I don’t do things around the house like I should, I don’t clean up messes, I do good to shower and change my clothes. My mind and my body and tired. I can’t find the energy. 


I know what I should do. I know what I’m capable of doing. But I don’t do those things. Some days, I purposefully don’t even try. Like yesterday, I didn’t try. 

What does it look like when I do try? Well, it looks like my day so far. 

4am: I wake up to my boyfriend telling me that we slept through his alarms, we should be leaving right now. I yelled at him, turned over, and sarcastically asked if he’s made coffee yet. The poor man is sitting there with a coffee mug full of coffee just waiting to love me. 

4:30am: I put my shoes on, grab my wallet and keys and we head out the door. This morning, we had to pick up his coworker who was out of the way. I wasn’t thrilled about this, and I made that known. I complained the whole time. 

5am: I drop off my boyfriend and his coworker not even a mile from our house. When I leave, I notice they end up driving past our place anyway. There was no need for me to drop him off this morning. They could have picked him up. I was upset. 

5:30am: I’m finally in bed going to sleep. I’m tossing and turning because I’m awake enough to stay up but not awake enough to get rid of the terrible hungover feeling I had from such a little night’s sleep. 

7am: My alarm goes off. I could have gotten up. I didn’t. I turned it off and went back to sleep. 

9:30am: I finally wake up and get out of bed. I pour some coffee and head out to the front porch. I look up subscription boxes for mental health. I read an article about what it’s like to have an illness that requires you to stay home. I scroll trough Facebook. 

10:18am: It’s currently 10:18 and I’m writing this. My dogs are laying in the shade outside and I’m already smoking my 5th cigarette from just being out here since 9:30. My coffee is almost empty and that leaves me with the choice to make more, or get ready to go to the coffee shop. 

I want to accomplish so much today. I want to get work done at the coffee shop then come home and clean up the house which is such a disaster that it’s probably contributing to my bad moods. 

I want to do so many things, I want to be “normal” again. I don’t mean normal as in other people, but normal as in myself again. I want to strive and be ambitious. I want to live a life again. 

-Liz

mental health

Trying To Be Better

For a lot of us, depression and anxiety can keep us stuck in bed. That’s where I’ve been the last month. I hate it with a passion, and I’m sure you do, too. So, what do we do about it? How can we overcome this?

The guilt can be soul-crushing. You begin to be so ashamed of yourself that you can’t look in the mirror. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. But the thing is, we can’t stay there. Life continues on even when we’ve stopped. And eventually, we have to catch back up. Now, it’s not all going to happen in a day but, there are some small steps you can take to start again. Remember, keep it slow. 


First Steps To Living Again

Remember, you don’t have to do these all at once. Try picking one for today and then adding another when you’re ready. 

1. Wake Up

For me, I have an alarm that goes off every morning at 4am. Thanks to having a hardworking boyfriend. But, I’ve also been where there are times you see no point in waking up. Like, when you don’t have a job and you live alone. It’s so tempting to sleep until noon. However, waking up and watching the sunrise or having a morning coffee or tea could really help. Try setting an alarm for early morning while everything is still quiet. You can go back to bed after your coffee, but make an attempt to get up. 

2. Shower

Personal hygiene and self-care go out the window when you’re this depressed. It’s okay, it happens. Though, eventually you need to shower and get all that dry shampoo build-up out of your hair. Just take a quick, simple shower. Be sure to wash your face. And just let the warm water fall over you. Sometimes this wakes me up enough that I can get started around the house doing things, but it’s also okay to go back to bed. 

3. Start A Simple Hobby

Start doing something you can do from the comfort of your bed. Write, knit, sew, draw, whatever makes you happy or used to bring you joy. Start doing something, get your mind working again. You could even read a book, just give Netflix a break. 

4. Get Some Fresh Air

If you can, go for a walk. But I understand not being able to do that so, at least sit outside for like, 5 minutes. Or, if that’s too hard, try opening the window and letting some air in. Breathe and know it’ll all be okay. 

What are some of your ideas for getting back into the swing of things?

-Liz

mental health

Trapped In Bed


For the last few weeks, yes, weeks, I have been trapped under the covers on my bed. It’s been a miserable few weeks, full of self-loathing and hatred. I can’t begin to describe to you what it feels like to be able to sleep all damn day and then still get a full night’s rest. One of the most obvious signs depression has returned is when I sleep all day. Which, obviously, doesn’t help my depression go away. 

After these last few weeks, I’ve gotten the physical side effects of laying in bed all day, every day. I’ve got this pain in my neck/shoulder that will not go away. It kept me up most of the night last night, too. And my body, it’s gotten used to not doing anything so any time I actually want to do something, it’s all like, “what the fuck, dude?” And then I go back to bed. 

The worst part of it all is the mental aspect of giving up and hiding under the safety of your covers. You start to feel guilt when your boyfriend comes home from roofing all day in the hot sun, and all you’ve done today is cry. Or, when the weekend comes you spend the whole time watching him clean while you just sit there. Guilt and shame fill your mind, and you know it’s so easy for others to just think you’re being lazy, but you’re not. 

How To Survive Being Suck In Bed

1. Clean Sheets

I mean, come on. You’re going to be stuck in bed for God knows how long, might as well do yourself a favor to help you feel better and put on some freshly clean sheets. Trust me, it helps a little. 

2. Wear Comfy Clothes

Bring out your favorite oversized shirt and forget wearing pants! Do yourself a huge favor, change your clothes daily, even if you’re not leaving your bed. After a week of laying down, you don’t want to be in the same shirt. And make sure they’re clean clothes! It helps a little, too. 


3. Grab Your Favorite Calming Drink

For me, it’s coffee. And thankfully I smoke when I drink coffee so, I have to get out of bed for this one. Only time when smoking is okay, I guess! Anyway, grab some hot tea or something and enjoy it cozied up in bed. Hey, it might even make a good Instagram photo! Oh! And if you have the money, go on Etsy and order yourself some positive sayings mugs. My favorite right now says, “you got this!” 

4. Get Your Ass Up

Every hour, try to do something, anything. Whether it’s take a shower, wash a couple dishes, or just walk around your room real quick, do something every hour. Who knows, maybe you’ll start to do more things each hour when you get up!

5. Eat Some Food In Bed

I give you permission to eat in bed. I don’t care whether it’s chocolate cake or a salad, eat something. Depression is the best appetite suppressant there is for some people. Others, they can’t stop eating. But whatever you do, make sure you eat during the day. Please. 

6. Binge Watch Netflix

One of my personal favorites, binge watching Netflix. It gets you out of reality and lets you be entertained. Watch a good movie or your favorite tv show. This is a good time to snack, too. 

7. Get Some Fresh Air

Maybe during one of your hour breaks you can step outside for some fresh air. I don’t care if it’s raining, sunny, or snowing, get outside for at least 5 minutes. Feel the rain on your skin, feel the sun warm your soul, feel the cold air. Remind yourself that you are alive. 

8. Open The Windows

I can’t tell you how much it helps to just open the windows and let some fresh air in, and some natural light. Nature has a way of uplifting the spirit even if just a little bit. 

What are some ways you survive when depression has you stuck in bed? I’d like some ideas!

-Liz

mental health

Morning Coffee


As I sit here finishing my morning coffee, I can’t help but wonder how today is going to go. Will I sleep all day again? Or, will I do things today? I don’t know. But I know what I want. 

I want to get up and clean my car, maybe do some creative photography and then go to a coffee shop to edit and write. I want to buy the pet food we’re out of and enjoy my day. But I just can’t promise myself that. 

I can’t promise myself that because there’s a huge chance that after writing this, I’ll go lay down in bed. There’s a huge chance that I won’t make it to the store today, let alone clean my car and take photos. 

When you’re near the end of depression, what motivates you to start living again? I’m not struggling with Depressive thoughts at the moment, but the lack of energy is overpowering. Any tips?

-Liz

mental health

Today Is A Lazy Day, And That’s Okay

Today, I just don’t have the energy in me. I did my morning routine, but it just didn’t give me that kick in the ass that I needed. And that’s okay. 

I think I laid in bed for about 4 hours today. Not including the time spent watching Netflix. I just laid there and did nothing. Not because I was depressed, but because I just didn’t have the energy I needed. 

Normally, I’d beat myself up about this. Completely tear myself apart. And I know a lot of you would do the same. But I want to remind all of us, that it’s okay. Sometimes a lazy day is a part of self care. Sometimes we need it. 

However, now my neck hurts and my body aches from laying in bed too long. So, I’m outside drinking coffee trying to find some energy to get myself going today. I’ve got a lot that needs to be done, yay moving. 

What are some things that kick you in the ass and get you going? Seriously, looking for advice here!

-Liz

mental health

The Morning Routine That Helped Me Begin Recovery

I’ll be totally fucking honest with you, I did not want to do my morning routine today. And, I kinda don’t want to write this post, either. But, I’m making myself do them both because they’re good for me. 

It started out as an extremely simple routine and I just keep adding to it when I’m ready to. No need to push yourself to start a whole bunch of new things at once, that’s overwhelming. Trust me, I’ve tried. 


I started out as simply as I possibly could, a shower and brushing my teeth. 

As soon as I get back from dropping off my man at work, I have some coffee and then hop in the shower. I wash my face, my body (of course), I shave if I need to, wash my hair every couple of days, and I just stay mindful while I’m in the shower. I take a moment to lean against the wall and just let the water flow over me. I get out, dry off, and brush my teeth. 


Just yesterday I added the next step to my routine, doing my makeup. For you guys out there, it can be as simple as taking the time to do your hair or make yourself look good, whatever that means to you. 

I haven’t wanted to spend too much time doing my makeup yet, I’m slowly getting back into it. So, I do a full face, throw on a little eyeshadow, and a bright lip. I’m loving the MAC matte lipstick, it stays on and is super low maintenance. You don’t even have to touch up after you eat (most of the time)! 

Also, I’m not quite ready to put time into doing my hair just yet, so I put a part down the middle and call it a day. 


Then, I make sure I put on CLEAN clothes! I’m sure all of us get behind on laundry while we’re depressed. We’ve all grabbed the shirt out of the dirty clothes that didn’t smell and wore the same pants all week. I’ve been there. But clean clothes, they make us feel good, too. Today, I grabbed a light dress because it’s comfortable. Always dress for comfort until you’re ready to put the time into putting an outfit together. 


And the most important step, taking your medication. It’s so easy to “forget” to take your medication, especially when you start to feel better. You begin to feel as though you don’t need it. But, the reason you feel that way is because of the medication. Keep taking it, unless your doctor says otherwise. 

What’s your morning routine? How do you get yourself back into recovery?

-Liz

mental health

The Things That Tell Me I’m In Recovery 

When you start to slowly overcome depression, it can be hard to pick up on exactly when you’re in recovery. I’m used to the waking up one day and suddenly not being depressed anymore type of “recovery.” Turns out, that wasn’t truly recovery. But this, this is. 

Thanks to a combination of medication and my own strength, plus my faith in God, I’ve finally began recovering. Im finally on the right medication cocktail and it’s working. I’m starting to live life again. 

Things That Tell Me I’m In Recovery 

1. I Did My Makeup Today

I actually did it. I sat down on the bathroom counter and did my makeup. And it looks damn good! For the first time in MONTHS I finally feel happy with how I look. Not because makeup makes me look better, but because I beat myself up about not having the energy to put it on. 

2. I’m Doing Chores Around The House

I’ve got the washer going, dishwasher waiting to go, and soon I’ll have the laundry sorted! I even planted my new plants yesterday, and I’ve been unpacking. 

3. No More Netflix Binge Watching

I’m not laying up in bed glued to Netflix. Sure, I’d MUCH rather be watching my favorite shows than being responsible, but I can’t focus and sit still long enough to finish an episode. I gotta keep moving!

4. I Get Nervous Picking Up My Boyfriend

When I was depressed, picking up my boyfriend from work was just another thing I had to do that I didn’t have the energy for. Now, I get butterflies as I turn the corner to where I pick him up. The new shorter drive helps, too. 

5. I’m More Loving

I’m much more excited about love. I’m able to cook dinner, I can do little things to show I love my man. This makes me so happy because he deserves it!

6. I’m Cooking Dinner

Seriously, for the last 5 months I have not cooked a single meal. My boyfriend has done ALL the cooking. I felt so guilty as I’d lay in bed waiting for him to come get me for dinner. But now, I’ve cooked twice this week and I plan on cooking again tonight! 

7. I’m Writing Again

Whether it’s small posts on Facebook, or posts on my blog, at least I’m trying! Sure, the content may not be what it once was, but hey, I’m working on it.

8. Messes Bother Me

Our house is a disaster right now because we’re in the process of moving in. And it’s driving me crazy! There’s no where to put things, we don’t have a bed frame, I don’t have a desk, there’s no where to put my purse. It’s just a hot mess. And that bothers me. When I’m depressed, living in a mess is comforting. 

These are the things I’ve noticed so far. What are your signs of recovery? 

-Liz

mental health

When Your Energy Leaves


Right now, you could say I’m doing pretty damn good, mentally. I’m not fighting off Depressive thoughts, hell, I’m even writing something! It’s a miracle! But, there’s something else bothering me.

My lack of energy. I don’t know whether I’m solely experiencing the physical drain from depression or if I’m just being fucking lazy. I have no clue which is to blame. And honestly, I’m kind of stuck here. I’ve already binge watched a show and a half of Heartland. I feel like if I get up from my patio chair that that’s exactly what I’ll end up doing again. Deep down, I don’t want to be doing that all day. But on the surface, it just seems so much easier than the alternative. Doing things. Yuck. Who the hell wants to do things? 

I’ve got a long list of things I could be doing. I could be doing a hell of a lot more than sitting outside drinking my coffee. But my body is all like, “I don’t wanna” while my mind is like, “but we gotta.” So, here is some advice from someone who needs the advice she’s about to give others. 

Ways To Get Off Your Ass

1. Just fucking do it

Option 1, do it. Ignore your body, listen to your mind. Or opposite. Ignore the lazy, listen to the awake. For me, I try to take a shower every morning, brush my teeth, wash my face, all that good stuff. It kick starts me to get going most days. But today, I just don’t wanna. So, I can either teach myself some damn self-discipline and get off my ass and shower or, I can continue not wearing a bra and lounging around all day watching Netflix. And then probably feel guilty about it later because I didn’t do shit while my boyfriend worked his ass off all day. 

2. Think About Later

I’m all for the mindfulness, stay in the moment bullshit. It really does work sometimes. But other times, it helps to think of the future. I’m talking about how you’ll feel later today, or after doing that one task you’re dreading. If you lay around watching Netflix all day, how will you feel at the end of the day? As compared to, if you got up and got things done, how would you feel? I know I’d be more excited to show off to my boyfriend everything I accomplished. If I laid around watching Netflix I don’t really get to jump up and down pointing at the kitchen sink saying, “look, I did the dishes!” Saying, “look, I laid in bed all day!” Just isn’t really the same. 

3. Reward Yourself

If the thought of how you’ll feel after just isn’t enough incentive, then come up with a reward system. After I do the dishes, I can have a cup of coffee. After you do the laundry, you can have some ice cream. Or something like one episode on Netflix after, I don’t know, walking the dogs. Just, anything you enjoy AFTER you’ve done what was needed to be done. 

4. A Little At A Time

This one is my favorite, just do it a little bit at a time. For instance, say you have a sink full of dirty dishes as well as a dishwasher full of clean dishes. Break it down into steps. Just empty the bottom rack and take a timed break, then the top and another short break. Keep the breaks 5 or 10 minutes long. Break it down as small as you need to. You might even start to find yourself skipping breaks and getting lost in cleaning. 

5. Try Again

If all else fails, try again tomorrow. It’s totally okay. Couldn’t do the dishes? That’s fine. If you laid in bed all day, that’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just wanting to do the things on your list is a step in the right direction. Be gentle with yourself, keep moving forward. You’ve got this. 

How do you guys start moving when you feel like laying in bed all damn day? What motivates you?

-Liz

mental health, travel

A Simple Way To Track Your Mental Health On Vacation


The last two times I went on vacation I completely ignored my mental health. It’s just so easy to do on vacation because you’re always distracted from it. But, if you’re anything like me, anytime you ignore your depression it comes back the second you settle down and it comes back hard as fuck. I fell into some serious depressive episodes after getting back from my last two trips. 

That being said, I’ve come up with a way to hopefully prevent my depression from coming back and leaving me in a depressive episode.  I can’t promise this will work, but I’ll give it a shot. Another factors that might add to this is the likelihood I’ll be on new medication right before my trip. We’ll see what happens. 

I absolutely love Mental Health Bullet Journals. I don’t do them as often as I should because I absolutely hate setting them up. There’s so much detail that goes into them, especially the pretty ones you see all the time online. Mine is a bit different from those, a lot more simple. But, feel free to add your own personal touches. These bullet journals help with keeping you aware of your progress and are really great if you’re a busy person. I’m not normally, so it’s pretty simple for me to keep track of how I’m feeling without one. That’s why I’ve created it specifically for my travel when I will be busier than normal. However, these journals are great to use on an every day basis. 

How To Set Up A Simple Bullet Journal 

The pages


Supplies

To keep it as simple as possible, I grabbed just a lined notebook, a ruler, and my favorite type of pen. You can add colored pens, use pencil before going over it with pen, use highlighters, whatever your heart desires. I’ve even seen people use decorative tape to add some color.


The Beginning

I’ve used this notebook before for some mental health tracking. So, to keep things organized I create a page with the month on it. I also like to add a little quote to the page. 


Habit Tracker

These pages help keep you aware of what habits you’re doing. They also help remind you and keep you accountable for the things you need to be doing. I also like to use it for keeping track of my moods. You can personalize this to fit your needs but here are mine: 

Health

  • Headaches
  • Nausea 
  • Sleepiness
  • Insomnia 
  • Appetite 
  • Period

Little Things 

  • Medication #1
  • #2
  • #3
  • Spaces to add, just in case
  • Hours of sleep
  • Minutes exercising 
  • Minutes napping
  • Servings of coffee
  • Marijuana (sometimes I smoke, very rarely though)
  • Servings of alcohol 
  • Packs of cigarettes smoked
  • Minutes with friends
  • Sex (always a good thing to keep track of)

Self Care

  • Showered
  • Bath
  • Makeup 
  • Hair
  • Washed face

Moods 

  • Irritated 
  • Anxious
  • Stressed
  • Angry
  • Sensitive 
  • Sad
  • Focused
  • Distracted
  • Happy
  • Conflict
  • Hyper
  • Depressed 
  • Confidence
  • Content


Habit Tracker Notes

Sometimes, you need to add a little note to remind you of why you felt a certain way or why you did or didn’t do something. If I’m on a new medication, I usually add the amount that I took. Sometimes I add little things about the day that had an impact like, didn’t do a damn thing until noon. 


Daily Done List

This is a more positive way of keeping track of what you’ve accomplished during the day. Sure, to do lists are great and the feeling of checking something off is awesome, but what happens when you don’t do a damn thing on that list? Add what you did to the Daily Done List. No matter how small, you had to have done something. You can add, got out of bed, drank coffee, filled out this journal. Be sure to add what you did do on your to do list as well. 


Daily Gratitude

My favorite way of remaining grateful is to write down a list of 10 things I’m grateful for. But, sometimes I don’t do it. Okay, a lot of the time. So, at least picking one thing a day will help. Or you can add a list daily, whatever you like. This is a great way to remind you to look at the positives, and super easy if you’re busy. 


Therapy Notes

I know this is supposed to be for travel, but I’m starting this journal leading up to my vacation and I have therapy appointments before I leave. It’s always great to write down what you’ve talked about or what you need to talk about. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten everything I was supposed to do for therapy homework. 


Fuck This, Fuck That

We all get angry sometimes. It’s good to have a place to vent. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t spend too long dwelling on the bad. Devote only two pages to this. 


Food Tracker

This one can seem a bit too detailed, but your health is directly dependent on what you eat, or don’t eat. It can help to figure out what foods are causing you to feel a certain way, and if you look back at all the junk food you ate you might feel motivated to change that bad habit. 


Ideas To Review

I get a lot of ideas, some seem so great that it feels super urgent and I have to do them all at once, perfectly. When those ideas come up, it’s good to write them down and revisit them at a later time to see if they still hold their importance. Also, little ideas like home improvements that you don’t want to forget. 


Memorable Moments 

This one is new to me, something I added for just the trip but it’d be good for daily use as well. Just write down anything that stuck out to you during the day, it’d be nice to look back on. 


Little Keepsakes

Ever go on a date and want to keep the concert ticket? Just stick little papers like that in between the pages. It’s always great to look back on those. If you want, create a little pocket for them. 

Bring It To Life

Plan Time

Plan some time each day to fill this out. I like making a space in there so I can fill out my habits Morning and night. Because, a lot of those habits happen twice during a day or your mood may change. 

Carry It With You

Carry it with you to put the little papers in, to update your food tracker, or whatever little things you want to write down during the day. You don’t have to do this, but it’s easy to do during little moments of down time. 

Do It Daily

The whole point of this is to do it daily, it won’t really work otherwise. 

Review It Daily

Look back over the days and see the patterns that happen. What causes you to feel a certain way? Find out by looking back each day. 

-Liz

Lifestyle, mental health, travel, Uncategorized

Taking You With Me

“Traveling – it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.” – Ibn Battuta


I’m so excited to be writing this post! This is the beginning of my series on traveling with mental illnesses! Don’t worry, I’ll still be bringing you some non-travel related content. But, for the next little over a week, be prepared for lots of travel posts! 

It’s 4 days until we leave for Florida. I’m counting the days and anxiously waiting. You can look forward to posts about:

  • Preparing for traveling when you have anxiety 
  • Ideas to fight pre-vacation anxiety 
  • How to pack for vacation when you have a mental illness
  • Flying when you have anxiety
  • How anxiety affects traveling

       And,

  • Updates on how we’re spending our vacation 

I’m not gonna lie, mental illness can make traveling very difficult. Especially when you suffer from anxiety or depression. I mean, the fear of flying is totally normal for people who don’t normally have anxiety, so just imagine that fear in someone who does. It can be devastating. And if you’re in the middle of a Depressive Episode, just imagine doing something for days on end that society tells you you have to enjoy, but you just can’t find happiness in anything at all. 

I’ve got a couple anxiety related stories to do with travel. I also have a couple depression stories for when returning from traveling. 

1. Renting A Car

I don’t remember this very clearly. I guess I may have blocked it out of my head. I called my dad to ask to verify but he didn’t remember either. My mom’s phone was turned off so I couldn’t ask her. 

Anyway, if I remember correctly, I was about 12 or 13 and in order to fly from Phoenix to Los Angeles you had to fly on a pretty tiny plane. I made it out there with some anxiety, but the thought of flying back on that plane scared the shit out of me. That whole trip was anxiety filled because we went to Disneyland and I was afraid of the majority of the rides. The Jungle Cruise gave me anxiety. Everything but the train around the park, The Haunted Mansion, and Autotopia gave me this incredible fear. I think one day my parents even had to put me in a wheel chair so I could try and relax. 

But the thought of that small plane, I wasn’t going to do it. My anxiety was so bad that my dad had to rent a car in order to take us home. Yeah, that’s right, the plane tickets were already booked and we didn’t fly. I’ve been flying my whole life, since I was a baby. By this age I had already flown to Hawaii. There was no logical reasoning as to why I could not get on that plane. Anxiety can be a monster. 

2. I got my wings

One time, I was so anxious before getting on the plane that the pilots had to talk to me before boarding. I was so scared. I don’t really remember much about this instance, but I remember how nice those pilots were. I will always love strangers who go out of their way to comfort someone, especially a child, with severe anxiety. They also gave me wings as I got on the plane. 

3. I lost my house

A little backstory, when I was with my ex I made the stupidest decision ever, I bought a house with him. My grandparents paid the down payment, so the guy at the bank suggested that I put my name on the deed. Thinking this only gave me rights to the property. Only, it didn’t. It just made me financially responsible should my ex not be able to take care of it any longer. 

So, when summer came his AC broke. In order to get it replaced I had to take my name off of the deed so it didn’t go against my credit. I just did not want to fucking deal with this shit. Eventually, I had had enough and I said screw it and booked a ticket out there. Honestly, I could have done the paperwork from Arizona, but I was pissed. 

However, when I got back home I fell into a depression that cost me my education and any chance of having a job any time soon. I couldn’t leave the bed for a month and this depression is what caused me to start medication. At first, I thought it had to have been the fact that I gave up the house and I no longer had any reason to talk to my ex. It was officially over. But now that I think about it, while I’m sure that had something to do with it, it was the returning to reality that I couldn’t handle. I missed my friends out in Tennessee, they were the best friends I’d ever had and now I was so far away from them again. I missed life in a small town, where you know everyone. I didn’t want to face my reality of going to school with a bunch of fake people and being alone in my apartment. So, I stayed in bed binge watching Friends for a month. 

2. My most recent trip

My most recent trip was to Florida to visit my grandparents. I spent 10 days hanging out with my cousin. I had such a great time. I was surrounded by people who truly loved and cared about me. When I got home, I was afraid to face reality again and found myself in another month or so long Depressive Episode. I hadn’t been keeping up with all my mental health studies and journals, I wasn’t tracking my depression on the trip. It hit me hard when I got home. I sat outside on my patio and chain-smoked all day every day. I couldn’t do anything but just sit there, I started drawing hands almost constantly. Eventually, I got a medication change and that helped. Plus, I started online dating and that got me out of the house. Although, all the rejection from that eventually added up. 

Another problem I have with travel is that I’m just so damn excited I can’t contain myself! I’m so anxious to get to the airport and show such an important part of my life to my boyfriend who has never traveled anywhere. Dealing with this is tough, it takes a lot of patience which I’m not good at. Every day I’m watching the clock, “is this day over yet? Am I one more day closer to my trip?” I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but it’s been hard. I’ll post more on this subject later. 

What’s your biggest issue with traveling? Whether you have a mental illness or not, what brings you worry or fear? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments!

-Liz