Standing Up to Depression

So, this is what my apartment looked like at the beginning of my day. The only good thing in this photo is that I finally opened the blinds back up to let some light in. Half of this mess is now gone, as I did two loads of laundry this morning. Go me! Anyone who struggles with depression knows just how challenging that can be. 

I’m going to be real with you. I’m not in recovery. I don’t see the light, I don’t see the end of the tunnel. I’m currently in a Depressive Episode. But, my sister convinced me that it’s better to struggle and fight through the pain than to sit and wallow in it, waiting for it to pass. Normally, I would never encourage anyone to brave it alone and force yourself to do things while depressed, it can be a quick way to find yourself exhausted and worse off. However, I feel I have the strength in me to fight this in a new and positive way. Sure, I’m forcing myself to do things before I’m exactly ready, but had you heard the way I was talking you’d be pushing me to do things as well. 

I’m doing a few things to fight off this depression. Mostly, I’m cleaning and doing laundry. But I’m also making myself get out of the house each day. I started with a morning walk with my fur baby, began doing laundry, and even cleaned off my messy dining room table. I’m getting there step by step. 

Specifically, I’m setting three important goals throughout the day. The first being laundry, second is what room I’m going to clean, and third is where I am going that day. Tomorrow, I’m doing two loads of laundry, cleaning my bedroom, going to a bookstore, and then I have a psychiatrist appointment. All healthy, positive things for me to be doing. And that is important. 

I’ll be honest, fighting depression in this way is one of the most boring, painful, intense things you can do. It exhausts you so easily, you want so badly to give up but, at least for me, your body keeps carrying you on. My body wouldn’t let me quit today. No matter how much my mind wanted me to. I kept going from 10am until 8pm. Not a moment longer than 30 minutes was spent on my patio. Which is a miracle because I’ve been there for the past month. 

I’m still barely hanging on, I still find myself thinking, “What is the freaking point to all of this?” Honestly, I have no clue. I could tell myself over and over it’s to get better, but I still won’t believe myself. But, I plan to keep fighting hoping that one day, I’ll know why I did it. And I can rest assured that one day I’ll know why, because I’ve been depressed before, I know for a fact it goes away. 

Today was long, dull, and I did not get to just relax much. I enjoyed coffee in between doing things. Allowed myself smoke breaks instead of breaks from smoking. I still smoked my fair share, but I hope as I get busier it’ll get easier.

I did try and go to a coffee shop today, it didn’t go as planned. My computer was dead so I only had my phone. And I couldn’t write because I was too distracted by everything around me. I tried to research ways to make money online, but I couldn’t stay focused. Eventually, I decided to grab some food. It was the first time I’d eaten in a week. 

After coffee and food, I made myself run some errands. The goal was to get a carton of cigarettes (cheaper than buying a pack at a time) and to pick up some coffee creamer. However, I had the brilliant idea of dressing up for Halloween as the Cheshire Cat! So, my shopping got a little out of hand. 

I hate this damn cat, so it was the perfect scary costume for me! And I’m quite proud of myself. My creative release for today was to do my hair and makeup to become Tim Burton’s version of the Cheshire Cat. 

My sister (best friend) was Alice, all dressed up in her wedding dress that she wore a year earlier for their Halloween wedding! It was good to get out of the house and be able to spend time with family, it made me feel included which is such a big help when I’m feeling depressed. Although, depression still sucked and I still wondered if they even wanted me there at all. Sometimes I feel like such a burden.

As all Alice in Wonderland characters, we picked up a few bad habits on the way. We both struggle with depression, we don’t always deal with it in the healthiest of ways. But, hey, made for one badass wonderland photo. 

I just wanted to add one quick photo of my outfit, I’m so proud of it. I love Halloween because it allows me to be creative and express myself. My first artistic love was makeup, and making myself look like someone else. It’s just fun to do. So, thank you for including me in your Halloween, Traci. I’ve enjoyed myself today, I can’t wait for future Halloweens, it’s just another reason to keep moving forward.



Happy Halloween!

It’s my favorite holiday, guys! I mean, free candy, neighbors being nice to each other, dressing up, all my favorites! Although, this Halloween is a very important Halloween for me. It’s not only a year anniversary for my sister’s marriage as well as for my best Tennessee friend’s marriage, but it’s an anniversary for me as well. It marks a year after having stood up to my toxic person for the first time. 

I could go into detail about what happened, but to be honest most of it is kind of a blur for me. I don’t have any memory of what led up to our fight, but I remember losing my shit. I went crazy. I tore down posters, broke things, straight up hit his ass. After a year of taking emotional abuse, knowing he was talking to other women for months, and just plain controlling my emotions, I had had enough. 

That night, I called everyone in my phone. He likes to make it sound like I was just waiting for this to happen. What he doesn’t realize is that I was calling everyone because I was afraid of what I’d do. I was afraid of life without him. I honestly thought I would die if he weren’t in my life. I packed up an over night bag and went to my gay best friend’s house for comfort. He took me on a Walmart adventure and we drank and watched Netflix with his boyfriend. I passed out on their sofa, probably cuddled up with their cat or dog. I didn’t even cry myself to sleep that night, I knew I was strong enough to handle this shit. 

Fast forward to today, and you can see just how strong I’ve gotten since last Halloween. I’ve created a healthy relationship with an abuser, I’ve officially cut my toxic ex out of my life, and I’m fighting depression one day at a time. 

I didn’t plan this, but it seems quite fitting for today. Today is the day I took a stand to my depression. Once and for all. I’ve created a plan to get me through this week, to slowly build myself back up. As of today, I’m beginning to rebuild myself. I’m keeping the parts of me that I like, and letting go of those parts I don’t like. I’m going to go through the apartment and get rid of any negative things, I’m going to start fresh today. And it’s already been off to a good start. 
For the past month, I’ve done absolutely nothing for myself. Nothing to help myself. This morning, I woke up and took my dog on a walk. I started laundry. I wrote this. I’m getting back to life one moment at a time. Kind of like recovery week, but hopefully with better results, I will keep you guys updated on what I’m doing to stand up to my current abuser, depression and myself. 

For those of you wondering what I was for Halloween a couple nights ago:

I’ll post a photo of my costume from tonight, as well. I’m thinking, zombie/dead pin up girl? Maybe vampire pin up girl since I already have the teeth for it! We shall see.