It’s In The Little Things

Usually when we think of self care we think of brushing our teeth, showering, and getting a good night’s rest or eating healthy. But when we’re depressed, those things can seem like way too much to handle. 

Well, self care is in the little things we do, too. It’s in the things that make us happier without even realizing it. The things that we take for granted often. You don’t have to go out of your way in order to take care of yourself. 

I challenge you to write down 10 self care things you’re doing without realizing it. Take a moment to think back on them, how does it feel to realize you actually are taking care of yourself? Be grateful. 

Here’s mine:

1. Drinking my coffee. 

Every morning, I sit outside and drink my coffee with my boyfriend. We don’t say much, we just look at Facebook and share funnt memes with each other. It’s a nice time when there is no pressure to do things or to talk. Just each other’s could company and a good cup of coffee.

I also usually spend my days drinking coffee, or at least taking coffee breaks throughout the day. It’s something I enjoy, sitting down to write or even just sitting down to enjoy the coffee.

2. Watching TV. 

I’ll be honest, I usually hate watching tv. Partially because I feel like I’m wasting time, partially because we don’t have cable and there’s never anything on. That is, unless I want to start watching Days of Our Lives and having something to talk to my mother about. But today, I sat down and watched travel shows with my boyfriend while we ate a couple snacks. It was a nice way to relax and gave us something to talk about. 

3. Naps. 

When I feel overwhelmed, the one thing I want to do is nap. It’s a great break from the world, and is required when you have depression and anxiety for some people. To just turn off the noise in our minds, it can help save us. 

4. Snacks. 

When I’m depressed, I don’t eat. So, it’s a great idea to keep little healthy snacks in the house. I sometimes go overboard and will eat the majority of the snacks in one sitting. However, that’s usually when they’re unhealthy ones. By keeping healthy snacks like popcorn (not movie theater popcorn) and salads I’m able to eat light and keep myself going. 

5. Friends. 

By this, I mean the tv show. It’s nice to check out of reality and enjoy the laughter of this show. It lifts my mood and helps me feel better. That’s about it, it’s one of my go to shows. The other being, Gilmore Girls.

6. Actual Friends. 

I’ll be honest here, I’ve lost a lot of friends recently. Between my isolation of depression and being consumed by a new relationship, I haven’t seen my friends lately. Also, quitting drinking probably had something to do with it, too. I love my friends, even the ones I no longer talk to, but the ones I do have make my days so much easier. I know I have friends in Tennessee that just want the best for me. I know I have a friend in California that will always be by my side. And I know I have my boyfriend’s sisters (who I considered my own sisters even before I met him) that will always pick me up when I’m down. Truly, my best friend in the world is one of my rocks. Without her, who knows where I’d be.

7. Thrift Stores.

I love thrift store shopping recently, mainly at Goodwill. Every other week they have half off days and I can get a shirt for like, $2. We’ve bought furniture and repainted them, we’ve bought little things here and there to make the apartment nice. It gives me something to do, and I love it. 

8. Therapy. 

Something that can start to seem routine, especially if you go often. But it’s nice to sit down and talk about how your life is going and get professional advice as to what to do next. My therapist is the best I’ve had, and he helps me to figure out what steps I should take to get back into life. Now, if only I’d listen to him every time. 

9. Writing. 

Getting my thoughts out and sharing them has made a huge impact on me. Normally, I’d keep everything bottled up. But lately, I’ve been sharing almost everything and it feels so good. I hate keeping journals because I’ll write things now and never read them again. But here, my thoughts and ideas have the power to help others and to inspire. And that means the world to me. 

10. Going To Church.

Something I haven’t done in months, but will begin again starting tomorrow. Church is a great place for inspiration for me. And I love it. I’ll be honest, I’m not always a fan of people you find at church. You know, the ones who like to pretend their lives are perfect. However, there are people there who are broken hearted sinners searching for hope, just like me. And those, those are my people. 

If you feel like it, share your 10 things in the comments! I’d love to know what you do for self care, and you might even inspire me or someone else to try something new! 



Where Is Motivation?

Seriously, where the fuck is motivation when you need it?

It’s something on my mind a lot lately. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I could be motivated to do something and then a split second later, it’s gone. I could search for it in all the self help books I can find, but the truth is, it’ll always fade away. 

I’ve been searching, literally searching the internet, for ways to stay motivated or find it again. Everything I’ve read says that discipline is the answer. Even when you don’t feel like it, do it. Well, if only it were that easy. 

When I don’t feel motivated and I try to keep going, I get so damn angry. Like, irrationally angry. It’s ridiculous. I was never ever taught discipline. Ever. So, now what? Now what do I do?

My life is controlled by my feelings and emotions, which I never thought bad until now. Now I want to work on my goals, I want to accomplish things, but how the hell do I even begin? Like, I don’t know, honestly. I could pick up the book I have to read and study, but then within the first few sentences I will get frustrated and overwhelmed and put it back down. Ending up feeling disappointed in myself. So, why even bother?

Truth is, I’m just as frustrated with life at the moment. I’m not doing anything, I’m wasting my days. I plan to start school in the fall, but until then, what should I be doing? Building my blog, reaching out to others. I need to do this, but I can’t seem to get the ball rolling. 

I’m great at doing the bear minimum. And I’m great at overachieving when I feel like it. But, right now I’m stuck in this not wanting to just get by and also not feeling like doing anything. It’s driving me insane!

I wish I had answers, I wish I was doing so well that I could inspire you to be disciplined as well. But, I can’t. I can only share my struggles at this moment. Hoping someone will relate. 

What’s your tips for starting to build discipline? How do you find motivation? Let us all know in the comments, your words and experience could help me and maybe even a reader out! Let’s work together to be the best we can!



For me, 3pm means another little round pill full of hope. It doesn’t work as well as it once did, but it barely does enough to keep the meaningless thoughts at bay. Usually. 

3pm means it’s time to fight off the depression. Things are slow, there’s no plans for the night, and I’m alone. My day earlier was perfect, but that doesn’t affect my mood in the evenings. I don’t know whether it’s caused by my medication or by being bored/lonely. But, it happens and it happens daily if I’m left to myself. 

Coffee brings me a small amount of comfort, just enough warmth to make me relax a bit. Having my patio decorated helps a little to lift my mood as well. Today, my best fighting chance is to continue to think of my wonderful morning. To maybe focus on some drawing a little later on. 

I’m trying my best to keep the Depressive thoughts away. I don’t want to feel like this world is meaningless, I don’t want to become numb, and I certainly want to feel okay on my own. I don’t want to rely on someone else to get me out of my own mind all the time, that’s not healthy.

Usually at this time, you’d find me curled up on the sofa. Ready to take a nap and day dream for an hour or so. Sometimes, this refreshes my mind. Other times, it drives me crazy. There is no way to tell which will happen. So, today I took a moment to rest on the floor after making myself go for a quick walk with my fur baby.

My day has been so lovely up to this point, I don’t want it to turn bad. I want to stay strong and to stay positive. I truly do love life and I truly am happy, but my mind likes to convince me otherwise. 

As I continue to fight off the bad, I ask that you send me good vibes and special prayers. I’m making an effort, I’m making a change. I’m not giving up, not even for a second. 

If anyone has any tips or advice, I’d love to hear them! Leave a comment! 


A Decent Day With Bipolar ll

“Damn! I look skinny!” That was my first thought as I got ready yesterday morning. Every medication I take has a side affect of weight loss. Which, I mean, I ain’t complaining about but, one day it might get to a point where I’m too skinny. Considering I don’t hardly eat anymore. 

By this point, I had taken my fur baby for a walk and drank some coffee. I had a psychiatrist appointment at 11am I needed to be ready for, and I was feeling pretty decent despite being nervous about the appointment. 

On a decent day, I enjoy putting on my makeup. I even wore fake eyelashes and did my hair. Something that has recently become increasingly difficult for me to accomplish lately. I felt pride in looking decent, I felt good that I took the time to myself to do this. 

I poured myself my 3rd cup of half card coffee and went on my way. I’d say I even dressed pretty decently yesterday as well. With makeup and hair being so difficult, I’ve been at least trying to make an effort to put together nice outfits. 

These things may not be a struggle for everyone, but for me the way I look and present myself has always been a huge part of my life. For a while, I wouldn’t even go to the grocery store without makeup on. It’s one of the ways I express myself, it’s meaningful to me. So, when I don’t have the energy to put into my looks, it doesn’t make me feel so great. 

I’m thankful for the drive into town. And I’m thankful I get to say, “into town.” I by no means, live outside the city. I live in a suburban area. But, it’s just on the outskirts of the city, so it makes drives through the desert possible. I love not seeing a single building when I drive. I love feeling as though I’m in the country. Out here, it’s called the beeline highway. But to me, it’ll always be the 4lane. 

Once I got to my psychiatrist appointment, I was honest. I told her I can’t do this anymore, I feel numb and emotionless. I can’t even see the point in hurting myself to feel. Nothing has meaning. I need help. So, instead of taking me off of antipsychotics like I had hoped, she’s taking me off of one and putting me on another. God, I hope this new one works. I can’t handle anymore emotionless nights. 

I decided after my appointment, and not hearing what I wanted to, that I deserved some Starbucks coffee. Sometimes, you just have to do what you need to in order to feel a little better. No matter how small. Treating yourself is how you get through the battle. 

Speaking of treating yourself, I took a nice and warm bubble bath. (By the way, my tub isn’t really that dirty… it’s stained from black bath bombs. Never use black bath bombs. Ever.) I needed to melt my cares away and relax. My mind was starting to go too fast for me and I just needed to breathe. Sometimes, a little bath can do miracles. 

But then, my day went downhill after a phone call. I learned I have become a disappointment again. Someone I love is not proud of me. When you have anxiety and depression, having someone be disappointed in you is like them stabbing you in the heart. All you want to do is please people and make them proud of you, but sometimes you fail. I sat on the ground outside my bathtub and tried not to cry. I was so ashamed of myself, I still am. After that phone call, which was about my money habits, I went online and bought two new pairs of pants. That’s a mental illness for you. 

I began not to care, my day went downhill. The loneliness was setting in. I was all alone, and honestly, I was mad at God for letting me be all alone. Why do I have to struggle with this on my own? How is that fair? Why can’t someone just be with me? Why? 

I got to a point where nothing had meaning anymore. So, I laid on my sofa and cuddled up with my dog. And then, as if someone had told him I needed him, I got an offer to go get tacos. But even being invited to go out with the man I like didn’t make me feel happy. I smiled, because I knew somewhere in there I was happy, but I couldn’t feel it. I contemplated just going to bed at 5:30pm. 

Thankfully, I didn’t let myself wallow in self pity any longer. I gave myself 25 minutes of nothingness, then I got my ass up and fixed my makeup. I left the house hoping I had made the right choice. Still, feeling nothing. It wasn’t until I was the turn into his place that I felt something. Finally! I admit, I felt fucking butterflies pulling up to his place. Yes, I am a child. 

I finally enjoyed myself, and smiled so much my face hurt. You don’t need other people in order to feel. Your emotions don’t come from them. But, in times when you’re numb and emotionless, the best thing is to have someone show up and pull you out of it. It could save a life to just see that someone cares enough to want you to be happy. And that’s all I ask for, help when I can’t feel. Be there for me when I can’t be there for myself. 

Bipolar ll caused a lot of ups and downs. But, we can make it through. One day at a time. 


I’m Having Trouble Feeling Today

Some mornings, I wake up ready to take on the world. I’m inspired, happy, mornings tend to be the best part of my day. However, not lately. And especially not today. I don’t know if it’s because I forgot and had to take my medication a little later than normal, or if it’s because of an onset of a Depressive Episode. I just don’t know. 

What I do know is that I’m tired. I got a shitty night sleep and it took me hours to get up this morning. I’ve sat outside drinking my coffee and felt nothing. No inspiration, no joy, not even sadness. These are the days that scare me. 

Days when I can’t feel, those are the worst days. I want to curl up and hide away from the world, I don’t even have the energy to watch tv. Nothing matters on days like this.

 I don’t know how to pull myself out of it, I don’t know whether or not it’ll lead to self harm. So, I let my best friend know so that she’s aware in case things go badly.

Days like these, I don’t know how to help myself. I’m lost. I’m broken. I need to feel again, but I don’t enjoy anything. I don’t have the energy to do anything. 


The Hardest Pill I’ve Had To Swallow

I was just beginning to think, not too long ago, that maybe there is a cure for me. Maybe my depression and anxiety actually weren’t caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe I’d developed these over the years because of the traumas I have experienced. Maybe if I learn to let those go, I’d be free from my struggles. 

That thought process came to a crashing hault yesterday morning. I was nervous about asking my psychiatrist for a medical card. I should have been nervous for a while other reason. That day, it changed my life. 

“I’m giving you the diagnosis of Bipolar 2.”

Excuse me, what was that?

There is no cure. There is only treatment. That’s all I knew about bipolar. This is something I’m going to deal with for the rest of my life. This is something probably inherited from a family member. This is something huge. 

While I know nothing has changed, I feel as though my entire world has been turned upside down. I’m starting to doubt myself, to doubt my future. 

Will I get worse? Will I turn into one of those women in movies with bipolar disorder? Will I ever make any sense? Will anyone ever want to love me? And if they do, how can I even begin to think about having a family? How would I be able to sleep at night knowing that my children will one day suffer as I have because I was selfish enough to bring them into this world, despite knowing mental illness runs in the family? How am I going to cope with this? Who is ever going to want someone like me in their life? Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever accomplish anything? How do I keep myself from going crazy? 

I’m scared. I had just accepted the fact that I have mental illnesses. I just accepted my ADD. It took me a decade to get the help I’m getting now. And now, I’m bipolar? 

I don’t know what any of this means. I never thought this would happen to me. I feel like crying, but I can’t. My mind is telling me two things. One, “be calm, it’s not the end of the world. You could have worse, it’s not a big deal.” And two, “why are you not freaking the hell out right now? Your life is over! There’s another damn reason you shouldn’t continue to go on. Just go to bed and cry already!”

The worst part of all this is, they were right. My abusers, they’ve been right all along. There is something mentally wrong with me. I do need serious help. Fuck. They were right. 

I’m beginning to even understand them. No wonder they treated me in such horrible ways, I deserved it. I am worthless. I am crazy. They had every right to treat me as such. I’m ashamed. 

There’s a small part of me that’s saying, “stop” as I write this. It’s saying that I’m wrong. If anything, I deserved help, comfort, and love. It’s beginning to make me look at my abusers with even more disgust than before. How dare they take advantage of such a weak mind? What kind of person must they be to abuse someone for years who has suffered from mental illness? 

Then the argument continues, they didn’t know. It’s okay, they had no idea how bad you were. But they must have known. They must have seen it. I was a mess. I couldn’t function. What’s even going on in my mind right now? 

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with this. I don’t know how I’m going to continue living like this for the rest of my life. I’m strong, though. I’m a fighter. I know I won’t give in to it. But right now, I’m scared and I’m alone. I’m confused and I’m hopeless. 


My Hope For Today

Today is probably the most important day I’ve had in quite a while. Today, my words way heavy. They mean help or they mean pain. In communicating my needs, I’m not very good. I’m afraid I’ll come off as manipulating or desperate. Which I am neither of those, only been falsely accused of them. 

Last night, I slept on my sofa from 8pm to 10pm. I moved to my bed. In which I didn’t sleep at all. I laid there, decided to check the time. It was 2am. I turned over, unable to fall asleep. The next thing I knew, my alarm clock was going off at 6am. I tried to sleep but got up at 8am. I’m miserable. 

I have to be as honest as I ever have been with my psychiatrist today. I need to open up, I need her to hear me. I can’t keep living life in this way. Antidepressants don’t work, antipsychotics haven’t helped for longer than a week. I don’t know how to keep moving forward like this. I can barely eat. I can barely sleep. 

I’ve never truly struggled with insomnia. Sure, there have been nights I kept myself awake due to anxiety. But it was on purpose, I always fell asleep at some point. This, this is just torture. Not being able to sleep, having my one damn escape taken from me, where do I turn? 

I refuse to take sleep aids. I’m not going to do it. I don’t care how much they claim to help, I don’t want to end up in that state. I’ve seen what they do to people, I refuse to let myself become that. Just an empty shell of a person. No, I will do anything to keep myself from that life. 

Today, two things are on my mind. What do I do about my antipsychotic? And, may I please have my medical card? 

Between the lack of appetite, the lack of sleep, the PTSD flashbacks, the anxiety, the attacks, the depression, I’m beginning to wonder if anything will help. I need something to help. 


Just Push Through

“Just push through.” These were my grandma’s favorite words on the phone today. I swear, she said them 20 times in a row. I about threw the phone across the room. “Just push through.” She reminded me. Say that and all my problems go away, I become normal. That’s how she made it seem. “Just push through.” I couldn’t hear that phrase one more time. It’s become more hated in my mind than the saying, “it is what it is.” 

I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. But, I just grinned and said, “okay, that is good advice.”

It got me wondering, do people think depression exists solely because we don’t want to do things? Do they think that we let ourselves get overwhelmed on purpose? That we don’t want to “just push through?” 

Do people think I can’t make a doctor’s appointment because I don’t want to? Do people think I don’t have a job because I don’t want to? Do people seriously believe that I just sit around all day doing nothing because I don’t want to participate in life?

Because none of that is true. 

I’m a woman who was once a little girl, full of hopes and dreams. That little girl still lives inside of me, but she’s buried underneath the weight that this world has put on me. 

I want to travel. I want to get paid for my work. I want to learn. I want to explore. I want to create. I want to have a social life. I want to have a loving relationship. One day, I’d like to be married with kids. One day, I’d like to live in a house. One day, I’d like to have a car I paid for on my own. 

I have deep, wild passions in this life. My mind runs constantly. I want to do this, I want to do that, I just can’t keep track anymore. I can’t focus on just one goal, which makes it all that much harder to accomplish just one goal. 

It sounds simple, to focus on one thing. You only have to work on one thing. But my mind doesn’t work that way. Not at all. Matter of fact, my mind doesn’t work normally any day. 

I don’t want to just sit around and do nothing. I don’t want to keep avoiding life. I want to be a part of the world. I want to have a good job and I want to have a life other than sitting on my patio all day and filling up my time. I want to work towards something, I want to accomplish something! 

But, I can’t. Not at the moment, anyway. I long for the day that I get up in the morning, have my coffee, get ready in a nice outfit, go out and work, and then come home and relax. But that’s not something I can have at this point in my life. Not yet. 

I need to be okay with that, I don’t need you to be okay with that. Because, it’s my life and not yours. I’m pushing through every day. Each day I have one major goal, to survive. And drink coffee. 

Right now, I get overwhelmed very easily. I can be doing absolutely nothing and that can even be overwhelming for me. I don’t know how, I don’t understand it, but that’s how it is. And I don’t know how to cope with it just yet.

Major Depressive Disorder has me down for the count. It has me struggling to keep breathing each day. It’s got its weight on my shoulders. It keeps me in bed for hours after I had planned on getting up. It looks at my intentions, my to do lists, and it laughs. 

Anxiety Disorder keeps me in my place. It keeps me from even thinking about making a step towards progress. Each time I think, I’m going to do this to change the way I’m living, I get overwhelmed by fear and panic. I don’t know how to overcome this just yet. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has me up all night. I can’t sleep. I remember being awake at 4am this morning. It makes sure to remind me that I’m worthless, it reminds me daily of the pain I have suffered. It forces me to continue suffering. 

Attention Deficit Disorder keeps me confused, basically. I can’t process information. It comes in and out of my mind too quickly. I can’t give each thought enough attention. I have wonderful ideas, great amazing plans. But none of them happen because I can’t process each step to get there. By the time I’ve figured out my first step, I’m already thinking about what other amazing things I could be doing. It’s exhausting. 

I’m still learning to be okay. After a year of being in this place, I’m still trying to accept it. Some days, my mind is blank. Other days, it almost works normally. My mind is too unreliable. It’s too all over the place. It’s too far out of my control. 

I haven’t yet mastered a way to control my mind. I’m working on it. I’ve gotten further than I have ever been before, but I still need time. Time to heal, time to grow, time to learn. 

One day, I’ll be driving across country exploring again. Until then, I work on what I can. I focus on what I can. I try not to get too excited about things. I try and remain in reality. 


Something So Simple

Towards the middle of my day, I started to feel depression creeping back up. My day had been alright so far. But my ADD was causing some panic and that was causing some depression. I was beginning to feel worthless again. I took my Adderall, that seemed to help with all the thoughts. And I got out of my apartment to run an errand that completely changed my day. 

When I went to the gas station, they had a sign posted saying that they were hiring for full time positions. Normally, I had been ignoring Now Hiring signs while hiding my face of shame as I walked past. But this time was different, this time I had strength. 

I grabbed my coffee and then asked for an application. I immediately went home, filled it out, and took it back in. For the first time in a month I felt truly proud of myself. Finally, I had done something!

I’m super excited because, even if I don’t get this job, I made progress. A couple weeks ago if I saw that sign? I would have hung my head down in shame and thought I would get too overwhelmed to handle such a job. Any job. 

This shows the progress I’m making in recovery. Today, I’ve had it shown to me that there is still more work to be done however, I have still come a long way. I have finally made it to a point where thinking about a job, even just this one, doesn’t throw me into panic. 

I pray I get this job. It’s so close to home I can let my dog out on breaks. It’s already a place I consider part of my comfort zone. And the people I have met there are all very nice. But even if I don’t get it, at least I took a chance. At least I took a step forward and was confident enough in myself to give it a try. 

I’m almost ready to get my life back. I’m almost ready to start living again. To have a job again, would be such an accomplishment. I can’t believe I finally took a step for my future. 

I’m hanging onto this feeling for as long as I possibly can. 

It feels so magical when you finally stand up for yourself and say, “I could do this.” And then take action toward that statement. After so long of feeling worthless, it’s good to feel I can make it back one day. 

Some of the Bullshit People Tell You is Actually True

“Just take your dog on a walk, get moving, go outside, take a walk.” 

I can’t tell you how many times someone’s advice has been to take a walk. Why in the hell would I want to take a walk? That’s boring, I’d much rather sit on my ass while doing nothing! It’s not gonna help, either. I have this one particular time out of many other times that a walk induced anxiety. So, therefore, because of that one time walks do not help me. 

“Do it for Warren, your fur baby.” Okay, now you’re just manipulating me. You know what? No. I’m not gonna take that damn walk. There’s people and other dogs and I just don’t want to. Leave me alone in my misery or give me another option! 

However, they were right. I fucking hate it when other people are right when handing out cliche advice. But, I guess it’s cliche for a reason, huh? I looked at my dog this morning, looked at the potty pads on the floor, the things my dog has recently started destroying, and I said enough is enough. So, I decided to give this whole, walking thing a try. 

I got up this morning, I took Warren for a morning walk. We walked in a new way so that I would not get bored by seeing the same damn thing every time we went out. It was actually helpful to both me and him. I got to wake up in a healthy and refreshing way, Warren got to shit on flowers and make me laugh my ass off. He truly is my dog. 

My day continued to be productive from there. I can’t believe it’s only 2pm! It feels much later. And we’ve been on 2 walks today already! 

I went out and ran so errands, when I got back I immediately took him for another walk like any normal apartment dog owner would. It was nice and refreshing to be responsible enough to take him for another walk. 

I even cleaned up my patio a bit and let him come outside with me for once. He minded perfectly well, until other dogs walked by and he didn’t like that. Until I find a way to keep him from crawling underneath the wall, he goes back inside when he acts up. But, I could tell he’s already happy to be included in my life again. This whole walking thing really works. 

However, I don’t want to walk around without purpose. So, I’m creating a little challenge for myself. In the mornings, it’s okay to just walk and be mindful. Enjoying the fresh morning air. During the day, we will do shorter walks, but each time I will have to grab something from my car and bring it in. Today, it was outdoor pillows. At night, we walk to the mailbox to check the mail. Usually just junk, but that’s okay because it’s our longest walk of the day. 

I’m getting better, I’m making healthy improvements. I’ve been to a bar twice without having a drink. I’ve been cleaning and taking things a day at a time. Soon, I’ll be better than I ever was before. Just wait and see! I’m excited.