When It’s Hard To Believe What You Already Know

If someone were to ask me if I am a good person, my response would be, “Of course. I try my best, I love to inspire and help others, and I don’t like hurting anyone.” But what about when someone tells me I’m a good person? Or how about when it comes time I tell myself I’m a good person? It’s not so easy. 

On top of Bipolar ll and Anxiety Disorder, I also suffer from PTSD. Most of my PTSD comes from the mental abuse I’ve endured. It also comes from the many times I have been taken advantage of sexually. But, when it comes to the mental abuse, the thoughts linger for days. 

My friend told me yesterday, I’m a good person. My boyfriend had told me he wishes I could see myself through his eyes. And a friend told me today that I’m a good person. But, why is it so hard to believe when it comes from someone else? Why can’t I just say, thank you, and believe them? Instead, my instant mental response is, “no I’m not.”

I’ve been told conflicting things from the same people. That’s what mental abuse is. One moment, they hate you and you’re worthless. The next, they love you and you’re an amazing person. It makes no logical sense and you’re left there wondering what to believe. You create your identity around the negative things they’ve said to you. You begin to torture yourself daily. Even long after you’ve ended contact with the abuser. It remains.

I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that I am in a relationship. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would actively choose to be with me for only good reasons. I feel like I’m just waiting, waiting for him to become bored with me, waiting for him to become overwhelmed with me, waiting for him to take advantage, waiting for him to leave.

My logical voice says, “these things won’t happen, you’ve found a decent human being to have by your side. He cares for you and wants you happy.” Then, the abused part of me goes, “yeah, but for how long?” 

It’s not fair to him for me to be feeling this way. He’s done absolutely nothing to cause me to doubt him. Nothing at all. He’s held me close, comforted me, made me laugh. We’ve even acknowledged that one day he might act like a jerk and I’d need to tell him to “fuck off.” I let him know that if that ever happened, I’d probably be crying and he could tell himself that. We know things won’t be perfect always, and that’s okay. We’re realistic. And I love that. 

I wish more than anything I could just enjoy the fact that he is my boyfriend. But, the longer we’re together, the more I wonder when he’s going to leave. It kills me inside. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to remain happy. But, how can I when all I know of love is pain and loneliness? 



It’s Okay to be Lonely Sometimes

It’s okay to be lonely! 

When you’re single, especially single and dealing with difficult life issues, you get to hear all the best chich├ęs. 

“You need to learn to be happy alone.”

“You need to spend some time on yourself.”

“You won’t meet your person until you are happy alone.”

“Just because you accept that you’re alone right now, doesn’t mean you will be forever.”

“You’re not alone, you have me!”

Thanks, guys. Really helpful there! Suddenly, I’m no longer lonely! Damn, I’m a little sarcastic B word today. 

All jokes aside, it’s okay to feel lonely. Totally normal. For those of us with depression, that loneliness can be consuming, even when there is someone sitting right next to you. 

We weren’t created to go through life by ourselves. We were created to want to be around people. Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that people who are around others tend to live longer and be more happy. We were meant to find love and enjoy another person’s company. 

So, to those of you feeling alone, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. My biggest challenge is fighting off feeling pathetic when I am lonely. God, this world has made me feel like I’m being so incredibly weak by needing someone else. I’m supposed to handle shit on my own, be there for myself, all while being supportive to others. What? 

I’m going to say it, I’m single and I’m lonely. Hell, I was lonely half the time I was in a relationship! That’s another story.

It does not make me desperate or pathetic to be lonely. Just because I am feeling lonely doesn’t mean that I’m not happy alone. I love being alone. I NEED my alone time. But, right now, I’ve got too damn much alone time. And texting my best friend isn’t going to fix that. 

How can I be perfectly happy alone and still be lonely? Well, I’ve spent every day for the past year working on myself. The moment I left an unhealthy relationship, I began to work on myself. Every great self discovery story begins with a road trip. And I even did that. I’ve started therapy, I’ve gotten a dog, I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve done everything on the self improvement checklist. I’m good. I’m still reading my self help books, I’m still searching for healing, and I continue to work on myself. Just because I’m ready for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working on me. In fact, the opposite, because relationships help you to learn about yourself more. 

The fact that I feel lonely doesn’t mean that I’m pathetic. Sorry, I have to keep repeating that one for myself. I choose to see most things in a way of being able to grow and learn from them. So, how am I choosing to see being lonely? That there’s something in my life that needs improvement. That’s it. I’m unhappy with something, therefore I need to work on improving that. 

Now, this does not mean that I am willing to settle. Not at all. Trust me, I tried online dating. If I wanted to settle, I could have! But I didn’t. And I won’t. 

This doesn’t mean that you have to go out and look for someone, either. Because, honestly, it’s a waste of time. People are full of shit and there’s a lot of them out there. Looking for someone is heartbreaking. Especially looking for them online. Also, kinda funny. But that’s besides the point. 

No, what I mean by needing to improve this part of your life is to open up. Be willing. The reason I was so content alone was because I was too afraid to enter into a relationship just yet, I wasn’t ready. And when I realized that, I didn’t push it. I let life happen. Now that I’m feeling lonely, it’s because my heart is ready to trust someone. I’m finally ready to be willing to accept someone when they come into my life. Whoever it is. 

I crave morning cups of coffee with the man I trust. I want to walk with someone next to me while I walk my dog. It’s getting cold outside, I want some damn cuddles! And that’s all okay. 

I’m not looking for just anyone to fill these places. No, I’m waiting for the one that will be comfortable enough with me to enjoy sitting there in silence drinking our morning coffee. I’ve also come to the conclusion he must love coffee. 

For now, I will continue to be perfectly okay on my own. I’m not hating myself because the chair next to me is empty, but I’m hopeful that one day it won’t be. I’m okay going to a coffee shop alone and eating a whole pizza to myself. I got this single af life down. I know I can be strong and handle this. I realize that I don’t need someone in my life, but I actually want someone there. 

How amazing is it to be able to say that someone is in your life because you actually WANT them there? Not because you’re dependent on them, not because your self esteem and sense of purpose comes from them, no. You truly just enjoy that person’s company, you want them around because of who they are, not what they do for you. 

That’s why, I’m saying, it’s okay to be lonely. It’s a part of life. There’s a healthy lonely, like the one I’ve described. And, there’s an unhealthy lonely, usually caused by depression. You can tell the difference between the two, I know I can. During depression loneliness, I sought out dates on a dating app. During healthy loneliness, I deleted my dating apps and began to focus on my healing again. Keeping in mind, that when that one badass man comes along that understands my anxiety, I’ll be willing to let him into my little world. 


Ride or Die

I have Major Depressive Disorder. Which means, I go through depressive episodes as well as depressing days and I need medication. I’ve been dealing with this for more than 10 years. I’ve never thought about what the root cause of my depression was, but I’d say it’s a good chance that it was a combination of losing all my friends and suddenly staying home 24/7. I had been labeled the crazy girl. At only 10 years old. 

Now that I’m in my twenties, I’ve started taking medication for my depression. When I first started on Prozac, depression took me on a ride. It took me to the lowest point, suicidal. Then, it quickly shot straight up and I was suddenly on top of the world. And I would stay in this place for months. Until, a life event happened that triggered my depression back. After I signed my first house deed over to my ex, I fell into a major depressive episode. It was a point in my life where if it could go wrong, it sure as hell did. One right after the other. For a while, I was up and down and then, I was just down. 

I then started taking a new medicine, Rexulti. The change from this medicine has been so mild and climed so slow that I didn’t even realize it was working until I had stopped taking it for 2 weeks. I still don’t notice it much. It doesn’t do the same work as compared to the Prozac. But, my doctor just wants to keep upping the dose. So, we will see what happens at my next appointment. 

I’ve finally reached a place where my ADD is under control. I have steady medication for it and it doesn’t usually take me on a ride anymore. At some point, though, I joined back on depression’s ride. It’s taken me to self harm, being suicidal, and it’s let me come up for air and feel strong again. Right now, I’m low. I can’t see what’s ahead of me, it’s too cloudy. But I know I’m riding this ride low to the ground and it’s staying pretty level. 

This is where I spend all my days. Constantly. It’s like a concrete prison square. It’s my comfort zone. I’m not even comfortable inside my own apartment anymore. I’ve started bringing my notebooks out here. I’m moving my place inside to my place outside. Day by day this place sucks the happiness out of me, but I can’t leave it. 

I’ve been sitting here for a month, now. With the occasional breaks for sleep, doctors appointments, and a few outings. But for the better part of the month, I’ve been here. I’ve gotten up to smoking 2 fucking packs a day. I drink at least 2 pots of coffee. It’s all I fucking do. 

I know a better life waits for me on the inside of these walls. Just a short distance from where I spend my time. If I just cleaned up a bit, did some laundry, and actually ate something, I’d be better. If I worked in my anxiety book, made the phone calls I needed to, and just did something, anything, I’d be better. 

Truth is, I can’t do anything. Or, I won’t. It’s become too painful to face my depression. Or maybe, I’m afraid of getting better. Right now, all that I have are my mental health issues. I don’t have anything else. I don’t have anything, because I refuse to work on things. I could have writing, a relationship, a social life. But I refuse to try working for others, I refuse to trust someone, and I refuse to get out of my beach chair. 

The best I could do today is move from my beach chair, to my actual chair. I have plans to go out tonight, but because we didn’t set a time I feel like they’re not going to happen. He’s actually given me no reason to believe he’s forgotten about me, or doesn’t care, but I’m so used to being tossed to the side. I’ve got it in my mind that he’s not going to follow through. And honestly, that’s what’s causing my depression. My motivation to sit down and not do a damn thing, that comes from having my hopes up and immediately crushing them myself for no logical reason. 

Even though this is all self inflicted depression, I can’t seem to get rid of it. I can’t seem to help myself. I know no one else can help me, because I’m not at the point where I want help. All I want is to have a certain someone come over and hold me while I suffer through this phase. That’s all it is, a phase. I will make it through this, and I’ll be back here again, but it’d be nice to have someone by my side.