mental health, Uncategorized

5 Things That Have Helped My Negative Thoughts

Generally, I’m a happy and positive person. Take away all my traumas, depression, anxiety, and whatever the hell else, I love life. However, since I’ve spent so much of my life focused on the pain of what I’ve been through, the negative thoughts can sometimes tend to crowd my mind.

I have records playing in my mind almost constantly. And they’re not very helpful. Over and over these records tell me how worthless I am, how pathetic I am, how weak I am, etc. Sometimes these records are louder than other times. And sometimes, something triggers these records to play and they’re all I can possibly hear.

Lately, I’ve made great improvements on how loud these records are. Again, sometimes they drown out everything else but, they’re a lot quieter than they used to be. They used to be so loud that writing something like this would have been impossible. They’re still kind of there right now, probably because I’m writing about them.

I’ve had it drilled into my mind all the negative things people think about me. And it really screwed with my mind because I didn’t feel like those things were true about me. And that’s it, that’s how you know they’re lies, they don’t line up with the truth about who you are.

I’m still learning how to better manage these negative records in my mind. I’m learning every day. But, here’s what I’ve learned so far.

**I am in no way a professional. These are personal experiences and what has helped me. Please seek professional help if you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or anything else.**

1. Let The Clouds Come And Go

This may sound a like a little bit of bullshit but, it’s actually helped me lately. Imagine your thoughts and emotions like clouds. Clouds float by. They come and go. They don’t hang around forever and your thoughts/feelings don’t need to either.

I’ve had someone suggest to just learn how to clear your mind and not think. That’s helped him. And that’s great! Maybe one day I can get to that point as well. But, right now, I’m not there. I need something kind of in between. So, I’m learning to be okay with the thoughts/feelings coming and going. I struggle hard to fight them. Or, I just give them all the power over my life. We can learn to observe them, ask yourself questions on whether they’re true or not, and allowing them to teach us or leave us.

I beat myself up so much when I feel certain ways. But, just accepting what I’m feeling is something that keeps that negative record quiet. Sometimes, even silent. This does take a lot of practice. Trust me, it’s worth it.

2. Ruin The Bad

You know how when something good happens, we instantly think, “okay, what bad thing is about to happen?”

I actually recently did this. I got some great news and ruined it by wondering what bad thing is going to happen. Sure enough, a bad thing did happen. Because, that’s life. It’s true, something bad will eventually happen. Unfortunately, that bad thing to happen was the loss of a friend.

While I was struggling with grief (and still am), I found a new thought process for myself. And I started to wonder why so many of us don’t fucking think this way!

We’re so quick to ruin our happy. We almost instantly ruin it by waiting for the next bad thing. Why not use that logic in the opposite way? I mean, it’s true either way you look at it. When something bad happens, if you wait for something good to happen, it’s just as likely as the other way around.

Good and bad come and go. When something good happens, something bad will eventually happen. But, when something bad happens, something good will eventually happen as well. That’s life.

This thought process has helped me to not soak in misery. Which I, and others, love to do. We absolutely love to just drown in our sorrows. We so quickly lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep that light, no matter how small it may seem. Something good will eventually happen. Ruin the bad.

3. Prepare For The Bad

Yeah, this sounds like I’m going back on what I just said but, hang on!

When you’re happy, and good things are happening, we fear the next bad thing so much because in the past we let ourselves get lost in the good and forget that bad is a thing. So, when the bad did eventually come, we were devastated and now we no longer allow ourselves to get lost in the happy.

Getting lost in the happy can be an amazing thing. And I encourage it for an amount of time. However, what’s helping me is to remember that life comes with both good and bad. I’m aware that eventually, something not so great is going to happen. I’m not getting lost in worrying about what that bad thing will be, but I’m building my strength to be able to face it.

How I’m building my strength is to pray for God’s strength. I’m also reminding myself that I’ve been through some shit, and I’m still here. I can’t tell how bad the next bad thing will be. I can’t promise myself I won’t be phased by it. It’ll still hurt, I’ll still be upset but, I know now that I don’t have to stay there. I can get myself back out.

4. Have Faith

I’m a Christian, my faith has always been a major part of my life. Even when I wander and get distracted from it, it’s still a major part of who I am.

More recently, I’ve began to grow in my faith again and it’s completely changed my life. I talk to God in ways I’ve never talked to Him before. I’ve been trusting in Him more than before. He’s moved in my heart and my life in ways that sound crazy and like I’ve totally lost it. But, I’m thankful for it.

Before, I struggled so much trying to handle it on my own. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it showed. I was always exhausted. Even though I didn’t do a damn thing. I would sleep on the sofa all day, sleep in bed all night, and be completely exhausted. I didn’t have the energy or strength to do anything. Since I’ve given my worries and stress over to God, it’s like the weight has lifted. Some of it’s still there because, you know, I’m human. But, it gets better. I have the energy now to tackle life, to actually live.

5. Just Hold On

I get in these places where I hold on to something so tightly that it takes over my world. It becomes all I think about. It becomes my motivation for everything I do. And then, I obsess over trying to completely let it go. Not worry about it, not think about it, not have it in my life at all.

I was talking to my therapist about letting certain things go and she gave me a new way to think about it. You can still hold on to things, still have emotions attached to it, but keep it at more of a distance. So, that’s what I’m learning to do.

There’s something that I’ve been holding on to. And I’ve been beating myself up about it, making myself feel pathetic for it, because logically, it shouldn’t matter to me anymore. But, it does.

So, I’m teaching myself to allow myself to hang on to it, but not as tightly. I don’t want to let it go completely. It means so much to me, I don’t want to see it go. If it comes to a point where even holding on at a distance is unhealthy, then I’ll let it go fully. As for right now, it’s nice to have hope.

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. If you have more ideas of things that help, I’d love to hear in the comments!

Lifestyle, mental health

My Journey: Day 1

Today starts the serious effort needed to lift myself up from the haze of depression. Today starts the movement to regain my life back from depression. This is a bold statement, yes, but I have every intention to recreate my life without depression. And I want to take you all along with me on this journey. 

First, I want to get you all updated on how life has been these past few months. I have stopped writing previously, so there’s a bit to catch up on. 

It started in the beginning of June 2017. I did not want to get out of bed. And almost every day since then I have spent the majority of my days laying in bed. They started out terrible, with me just laying there doing nothing but sleeping. Eventually, and I’m talking more than a month of time, I started to at least look at Facebook. More recently, I’ve been spending my days watching various videos on Facebook. Everything from the serious and motivational to the stupid and light-hearted. While I’m probably going to continue this habit after I write this, I’m proud to say that I’ve at least acknowledged the bad habit and am attempting to accomplish some things throughout my day today as well. 

There have been many bumps in the road. Adopting new fur babies, having to give up fur babies, anger and frustration for no reason, and jealousy. I’d say that my biggest struggle coming from this would be the jealousy, as much as I fucking hate to admit it! I’ve been jealous of my boyfriend. He has a full time job, friends who invite him to spend time with them, and a chance to do a little bit of travel for work. I’ve instantly gotten angry every time he is invited to do something fun. I mean, I’ve been spending my days isolated and sad. Of course I’d be jealous but, that didn’t give me the right to take that out on him. I feel terrible about it. However, it’s no one’s fault but my own. 

Over the past 8 months I’ve lost my friends. No one talks to me anymore, no one invites me to spend time with them anymore. I know this is at least partially my own fault. I’ve pushed everyone away, especially within these last few months. I rarely even get the chance to talk to my best friend anymore. Not because I don’t want to but because I feel as though I bother her and add on unnecessary stress to her life with my own problems. It’s just felt easier to keep to myself and not bother others with the way my life has been going. 

On the bright side, I am grateful. I have an amazing boyfriend that has stuck by my side through this all. Through all my moods, self-pity, and just emotionless days. He has been there to make my coffee every morning, he has been there to walk our dog every day, he has been there to hold me through my rough times. He is a blessing. 

Now that you’re caught up a bit, I want to share with you how I plan to make my two goals come true. The first, to recover from this depression. And the second, to inspire others with my story. I made sure to set realistic goals without a time attached to them. They may take years to accomplish, and that’s okay. The important thing is that I don’t give up again. The important thing is that I keep fighting. Daily. 

Recovery From Depression. 

  1. Make the bed every day. 

This may seem a little silly but, it’s actually shown to be a great motivator. This idea came to me quite a while ago, back when I actually had a bed frame and it was easier to make the bed. But, even with the mattress on the floor in the living room, I’m going to give it a shot. My boyfriend first suggested this as it was something he learned in a sober living environment. I heard this idea again yesterday while watching a video of a former Navy man giving a speech. The point is, you wake up and you complete this first small task and it encourages you to then complete another task. If anything at all should go wrong, at least you have a clean and made up bed to crawl into at the end of the day. Another benefit for us struggling with mental health? It’ll help us to stay out of bed as to not mess up the task we completed. 

    2. Set daily goals. 

This is the list of things I have to accomplish today. It’s small, extremely small, yes. However, it’s best to start small and work your way to the bigger things. We all know something as simple as doing the dishes can be a challenge when you’re struggling with life. So, take baby steps and eventually you’ll get there. 

    3. Daily gratitude list. 

This has been one of my go to tasks when I’m struggling with depression. I usually write 10 things I’m grateful for. Some days it’s hard to come up with something. Other days, it’s easy. But this will help to remind you what good there is in your life. Here’s mine: 

  1. God’s patience
  2. My loving boyfriend
  3. Coffee
  4. Cigarettes 
  5. My fur babies
  6. Dinners with my boyfriend
  7. Today is Thursday, almost the weekend
  8. I’m writing again
  9. It’s not too ridiculously hot to sit outside even though I’m starting to sweat like crazy
  10. Taking the first step to recovery 

      4. Wake up earlier. 

I’ve been waking up around noon, smoking a couple cigarettes, and then heading back to bed to watch videos. Mostly, I want to wake up earlier so I feel better about myself, can write before it gets ducking hot as hell outside, and have more time to spend accomplishing my goals. 

These are just a few of the goals I have set to help me overcome this depression. I look forward to the outcome of this journey and I hope it inspires you to get up and make a change in your life as well. 


Lifestyle, mental health

You Fucking Got This

I am the type of person that, unfortunately, has bad days often. Whether it’s due to my mental health, my ever-changing moods, or just lying in bed all damn day, there never seems to be a shortage of bad days. It fucking sucks, guys. 

However, one of my biggest problems is that I hold on to a bad day.

Oh, I had a bad day on Monday? Well, I’ll try again next week. WEEK. Not, let’s try again after some coffee not, let’s try again tomorrow no, let’s try again next week. 

Yesterday was fucking miserable for me. And I’ll be open and honest and explain it all. 

First, after dropping my boyfriend off at work, I came home and went back to sleep. I then proceed to sleep until noon. That alone usually sets off a bad mood. But wait, there’s more!

Secondly, I had some weird-ass fucking dreams. Like, I can’t even admit these to my best friend type of dreams. They were that bad. But, to give you an indication of how they were, they were sexual dreams. Mainly focusing around the feeling of doing something “wrong.” Those are the worst because then I wake up feeling like I need to act out on it and do something “wrong.”

So, in an effort to rid myself of these thoughts and dreams I watched porn. It’s wrong in my mind, but it still wasn’t enough. Thankfully, I didn’t act out on anything else. 

Thirdly, like stated above, I watched porn. This always sends me into a spiraling out of control bad mood. I beat myself up, I hate myself, I’m disgusted with myself.

To top it all off, I felt like something had taken over me and I wasn’t myself. I wanted to post risqué photos of myself on Instagram, I wanted to do anything for those “likes.” When did I become this person? What was happening?

I spent all damn day in bed yesterday. I allowed myself to have a shitty day because I just didn’t know how to get myself out of it. The part of my day spent alone ended with me sitting in the bathtub after a shower crying and listening to music. Thankfully, it wasn’t long after that that I needed to pick up my boyfriend. 

I talked to him about it a bit, and I let it go. We ended up laughing and having a good night. It was a great way to end such a shitty day. But, I was still left terrified of repeating yesterday. God, I still am terrified of it. 

How do we break away? How do we move on? Especially when you spent an entire day feeling like someone else? Like, yesterday my only goal was to become a vape model on Instagram, that’s all that mattered. And that’s not me. I run deeper than that, I think deeper than that, I have more to offer than that. 

How To Turn Things Around And Have A Good Day After A Bad One

1. Wake the hell up

For me, my problems started when I went back to sleep. So, even though my mind and body are telling me that they just want to crawl back into bed, I’m not going to. This is something that will take a lot of effort from me. Just one look at my bed and I could be back in there. God, I want to crawl into bed so badly. But more than that, I want to start having good days again. 

Grab some coffee, tea, or whatever the fuck wakes you up and spend some time being nice to yourself this morning. If sleeping in is your problem, try setting an alarm. If going back to bed after waking up is your problem, force yourself to go outside to wake up. And just relax, let yourself take the time you need. 

2. Remind yourself of who you are

This one is more specific to how I felt like a totally different person. But if you’ve had a day when you’re down on yourself, this could help, too. Write down 20 things that are you. Here’s mine:

  1. Loving
  2. Caring 
  3. Thoughtful 
  4. Deep
  5. Meaningful
  6. Happy
  7. Beautiful 
  8. Creative 
  9. Lively
  10. 80% coffee
  11. Good
  12. Deserving
  13. Human
  14. A writer
  15. Inspirational 
  16. Helpful
  17. Chill
  18. Respectful
  19. Feminist
  20. Funny

3. Have an Opposite Day

Best way to avoid having another day like the day before? Do the exact opposite. 

Lay in bed all day = Stay out of bed

Watch porn = Don’t watch porn

Stay home all day = Get out of the house

Wallow in self-pity = Take care of yourself

You see where I’m going with this. 

4. Your thoughts control your moods

Lastly, be aware of what you’re thinking. Force yourself to think more positively. Instead of being afraid today will be a repeat, be excited for the new day ahead! Find something you can get excited about. For me, it’s going to my favorite coffee shop. 

How do you have a good day after a shitty one? Love to hear ideas!


mental health, Uncategorized

Ways To Brighten Your Day With Depression

Depression makes things seem so damn dark. Everywhere you look, it’s like gray swallows you whole. It’s hard to find the light in life again, but there are ways to find some color. 

It doesn’t have to be so dark and grim. I know how hard it is to see color again when depression has its evil grip on you. I also know things that let me see a little bit of color through the gray, even at least for a moment. 

My tips for seeing color again. 

1. Buy Pretty Flowers

Sure, this can be a bit of a waste of money, I mean they usually die a couple days later. But, the process of buying yourself some flowers and arranging them in a beautiful way can help you stop and appreciate the little things. Plus, it’s a simple way to literally add color to your life. If you don’t like the idea of buying flowers, go pick some if you can or you can go on a goodwill run and buy some fake flowers, they last a hell of a lot longer (and you don’t have to clean them up later when they’re all gross because you forgot about them)!

2. Sit Outside

This is something I ALWAYS do when I’m depressed, even if it’s 120 degrees outside. Okay, only to smoke a cigarette and get my ass back inside when it’s 120 out. Thanks, Arizona. But, the fresh air, birds chirping, and the sunlight do a whole hell of a lot of good for your mood. It reminds you there is a great big world out there for you. 

3. Drink Your Favorite Coffee (Or Tea)

I do this constantly, drink my favorite coffee. It’s simple, make some coffee, put a shit ton of creamer in it, and an ice cube to cool it down a bit. I’m lucky my favorite coffee is something I can make at home. But if your favorite coffee costs $5 at Starbucks, go get it. It’s worth it for a little pick me up. And those weirdos out there who love tea, nothing is better than sitting down with some hot tea with honey and sugar. It just instantly relaxes you. Go ahead, make yourself some tea. Or, go buy a fancy tea from Starbucks, you deserve to be pamper to you little tea loving crazies. Seriously, though, you e heard of coffee, right?

4. Get A Little Creative

I don’t care if it’s writing, drawing, or painting a ducking tree branch teal, just do something creative. And, yes, I picked up a couple tree branches and painted them. Judge me. But, it got me into painting small things I use to decorate around the house. Goodwill is a good place to find those. Hell, I even started painting furniture. I love it. Just do something to get your mind thinking and your hands moving. Even if you don’t feel any joy from it, the outcome will make you feel like you were able to accomplish something while depressed, no matter how small. 

5. Watch A Funny Show

This one is simple, just go on Netflix and watch Friends. Or Gilmore Girls. Or if you’re weird, something else. But make sure it’s funny, even just stand up comedy. Get yourself to laugh, or at least crack a half assed smile. Plus, it’ll take you out of the depression fogged reality you’re living in. 

6. Watch The Sunrise

I know, I know, who in their right mind wants to get up early enough to watch the dang sunrise? I only do it because I have to take my boyfriend to work and leave the house at 6am. However, there’s something so beautiful about watching darkness turn to light. It gives you hope that your own darkness will turn to light. It’s possible. 

7. Cuddle With Your Pet

Unless, you know, you have a fish. Then that’s probably not a good idea. Get yourself something furry. I strongly believe in pets, they just have a way of making you feel loved. 

8. Go On A Walk

I know, a walk won’t cure you of your depression like everyone fucking seems to think it does. But, it does help. Getting yourself moving is one of the best ways to defeat depression, it just happens to be the hardest, right? Take a walk, around your backyard, down the street and back, or go for it and go on a hike. Just noticing the world around you makes you feel less alone. And it gets you out of your head for a moment. 

9. Take Some Creative Self Portraits

This helped me a lot when I was going through some depression. It got me thinking, “how can I express what life is like depressed?” It’s a great therapy to give some visual to your depression. Use your phone, or your camera, but make it Creative. Even if you’re not creative, give it a try. You might be surprised. Don’t force anything, don’t fake it. And do more than take a selfie. 

10. Do The Motherfucking Dishes (sorry, I’m running out of cuss words)

Just do them. I know you don’t want to, hell, you may not have the energy to do them. You might even have to take a nap afterwards, but do them. Please. It’ll make you feel so accomplished afterwards. You actually did something to take care of yourself! How awesome is that? Breathe, it’s not as big of a chore as you’re making it out to be. And nothing helps with depression like a clean kitchen. 

11. Take A Spa-Like Bath

Come on, men. I know you like bubble baths, too! Just fill your tub up with water and get some bubble bath that smells good to you. I recommend lavender or rose, they’re the best relaxing scents in my opinion. When I’m super depressed, I go all out. I get a pretty bath bomb and I gather my face cleaning products. I give myself a simple little facial while soaking in the tub. Plus, washing up just makes you feel a bit better. And afterwards, you’re relaxed enough to crawl back into bed refreshed for a nice little nap!

12. Do Your Makeup Differently

Okay, so this one is mostly for the girls, but try it. Look up looks on Pinterest or find a makeup tutorial on YouTube. Try something new. Learn to contour, try rocking the black eyeshadow, or put on that red lipstick you never use. It’ll help you see yourself in a new light, and you might even enjoy it. Don’t look at is as another thing you have to do, no, look at it as having fun like when you were a kid playing with your mom’s makeup! Get weird. 

13. Wear Some Heels

Again, sorry, mostly for the girls here. But if you’ve got to go somewhere, why not try and dress it up a little? People who normally see you in converse will compliment you, and what’s better for your depression than someone noticing your effort? Be confident, rock some heels. You’ll feel like you rule the world! Or, if you feel absolutely uncomfortable in heels, rock your fanciest flats. I believe in you!

14. Get Out Of The Dang Yoga Pants (Or Basketball Shorts, Whatever You Wear)

Just change into something a little more put together. It doesn’t have to be jeans, unless you’ve got a comfy pair, but just try and get ready for the day. A little effort, even if you don’t go anywhere. I know I don’t feel like doing anything if I’m still in my pajamas. Put on some clothes and see how you feel from there. 

15. Or, Get Into Some Dang Yoga Pants (To Do Yoga)

Yoga works wonders for depression. Getting yourself moving and stretching is a great feeling. Plus, some people end up feeling more connected to the universe, their god, or even themselves. Getting mind and body working together is a life saver. Check out Yoga With Adrienne on YouTube, she has practices for anger, anxiety, depression, even period cramps. But men, don’t be discouraged, yoga is good for you, too. Plus, you’re at home, you don’t have to tell anyone you did yoga. 

16. Open The Windows

If everything else is just too much (I’ve been there, I am there), then just simply open the windows. Let the fresh air in and listen to the world outside. It’s calming, especially with some hot coffee or tea. Sit by the window and stare out at life. Appreciate where you live, seek for the beautiful in the everyday. 


Lifestyle, Uncategorized

Ideas For A Better Life (That I’ll Try, Too)

I usually stay away from blog posts like this one. I love to read them, but writing them usually isn’t my cup of tea. Because I drink coffee. However, it will probably benefit me from trying some of these ideas out myself. So, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not writing this as a person who has all the answers, I’m writing as someone who needs this advice as well. 

1. Stop Overthing Every Damn Thing

We make life so dang complicated by overthinking. I’m guilty of it so much. I even spent this morning over thinking my blog post. But, when I caught myself I instantly made a change. What was going on was I changed my mind about a post to write yesterday, so I stole from today (I’m actually starting to plan out my posts, guys!). Anyway, that left me without something to write, and I didn’t want to steal again from tomorrow because then I’d just be putting off having to come up with something new, again. Luckily, I remembered I worked a bit on this post last night. So, now here we are!

My best advice for over thinking is this. If you’re trying to make a choice about whether to do this dishes, write a post, or even shower, give yourself 30 seconds to decide. I read this from The Positivity Blog. They also suggested that if you’ve got a bigger choice to make, say like, should I date this guy or should I sign up for the class, give yourself 30 minutes, or maybe even all day. But, make a choice by dinner! If it’s something bigger, like buying a house, give yourself a deadline of a couple days.

My personal advice is a little bit more challenging. When I over think things it’s  like, why does my boyfriend have texts from an unknown number? Thanks to my ex, I’m terrified of having another relationship end because I’m being cheated on. As soon as I saw that number, my mind went out of control. So, I calmly talked to him. I asked what that number was and told him I wasn’t trying to be controlling or untrusting, just that shit has happened in the past that makes me worry. He was totally fine with it, and if he’s not okay with it, do want that kind of negativity in your life? I think not. 

One last piece of advice, add a mantra where you will see it daily. This one is hard for me, I tend to over look things. But I’m going to give it a shot. Try something like, “keep things extremely simple” or, even something like, “don’t fucking overthink shit, Liz.”

2. Let The Negativity Go

There are things in life that we are surrounded by every day that are negatively impacting our lives. For me, it’s Facebook. Sure, there are some funny memes and you get updated on your friends’ lives, but there is so much negative spam on my Facebook. I blame it on the excessive liking pages when it was a thing to like a page you related to. Now my Facebook is just trash half the time. I would start a new one, but so many photos would be lost! 

Negativity in our lives can also come from the people we surround ourselves with. Even as a teenager, I knew when it was time to cut out someone negatively impacting my life. Although, at 19 I forgot what that meant and spent all summer wasted until I got arrested. 

My advice is this, get rid of at least two negative things. For me, it’s less time on Facebook. From now on, I’ll only go on there if I have a notification or I need to share something important. Other than that, I downloaded StumbleUpon which has a lot more interesting things on there for me to read. I’m also limiting my time spent talking to a certain person, okay, my mother. Lately, she’s been pretty decent, but negativitiy flows through her half the time. As much as I love her, limited time is probably best. 

3. Live In The Now

This one is challenging for me. I’m always thinking of the past or future, sometimes both at the same time. Most people will tell you to meditate or pick out like, our 5 senses in the moment. I’m going to simplify this for you. Stare at one spot, or close your eyes of you like. Take a deep breath, and just notice the sounds. For me, it’s landscapers, the typing on my phone, birds, Call of Duty, and my boyfriend talking to himself while playing video games. This actually made me feel a bit better, I love hearing him talk to himself while playing video games, it makes me laugh. 

4. Stop Comparing Yourself To Those Damn Instagram Models (or anyone else)

This is something I’ve struggled with A LOT lately. For some reason, depression has made me focus on the fact that I don’t look perfect and my apartment doesn’t look like Pinterest walked in after a long night of binge drinking and threw up all over the place.

Yes, some girls (or guys) actually look like those people on Instagram. I would know, I used to be in a class with one of them. It can make you so insecure. But, it’s okay. Because real life isn’t perfect, we all have our flaws. If you don’t like something, change it. For me, it’s the little bit of belly fat I’ve got going on. I’m about to go to Florida and it’s going to be another week of pressure to look good in a bikini. Obviously, I don’t want to change bad enough because I’m sitting on my ass right now. So, I’m going to work on the way I see myself, and work on being confident enough to rock that bikini. Also, it might help to get a new one that fits properly. 

Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to who you used to be. Look back (don’t stay too long, remember, live in the moment). Who are you now compared to a year ago? For me, I cared way too much about making it look like I had the perfect life. I’d do my makeup perfect (which I miss), I’d do yoga and show it off, I’d even drink $7 juices. Now, I’m confident enough to go out without makeup, I don’t do yoga as often as I’d like but I don’t have to show it off, and instead of spending $7 on a juice, I spend $4 on a coffee. Okay, more like $10 because my boyfriend needs some Starbucks in his life, too. 

If you find you don’t like something about now that you liked then, work on changing it. I like that I went to school a year ago, I don’t like that I’m not going to school now. So, while in Florida, I’m going to have a long talk about why I should go back to school. And hopefully, this fall I’ll be working towards a degree in psychology. 

5. Stop Doing Nothing And Expecting Change

This is a hard one for me. I do absolutely nothing to Better how I live my life. I’m not working towards anything, but I can. I can start small like, making myself clean the apartment and actually keep it clean! I’m afraid to, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe secretly I think I don’t deserve an apartment I love, or maybe I’ve just simply gotten used to having my boyfriend pick up the slack. Either way, things need to change. And once I get myself moving, it’ll be easier to keep myself moving. 

If you want to lose the weight, or make the lifestyle change, or make that project work, start doing things! It only takes little small steps each day. You got this. 

6.  Stop Trying To Be So Damn Perfect

A lot of the time I don’t do something because I know it won’t be perfect. I don’t write the post because I’m not in a sarcastic mood and it won’t turn out badass. Or, I don’t paint because I know it will look like shit. 

Just stop it. Flaws mean unique. Handmade means flaws. You don’t have to look perfect before doing something, you don’t have to perfectly clean the apartment to do it. Just do it and do the best you can, then be proud that you actually did it. Accept the flaws, accept the uniqueness that is your own outcome of trying. 

7. Ignore The Negative People

Remember number 2? This one is so important. Negative people have a tendency to get into our minds and feed on our insecurities. If we don’t let go of these people, we start to believe what they say, believe we deserve how they treat us. As someone who has been emotionally abused for YEARS, I know how hard it is to let go of your abuser, or negative friend. We create this weird, creepy attachment to them because we start to believe what they say. They validate what we think of ourselves. I struggled with a boyfriend who was like this, as well as my mom. It took me years to accept that I am not a slut, I’m not crazy, I didn’t deserve to be raped, and I’m not a selfish bitch. The list goes on. But take the trash out, guys. Let it go. Learn to love yourself, flaws and all. Yes, I’ve slept around, but I’m not a slut. Yes, I have panic attacks, but I’m not crazy. Yes, I was drugged and raped, but I didn’t ask for it. Yes, I can be selfish and I have my bitchy moments, but I know I care about people and I’m generally a nice person. 


8. Take Small Steps Daily

Do little things here and there that will build up to something bigger. Like, my apartment situation. It’s not a disaster, but it’s a bit cluttered. I can start by doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen one day. Then the next I tackle the living room. You don’t have to do everything at once. One week work on getting your blog out there so people can see it, the next work on creating interactive ways to include your readers. Don’t do everything at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed. Break it down, take it day by day. 

I love comments!

What are some of your ideas for a better life? What have you done that encourages you daily and feeds positivity into your life or others around you? I love the inspiration that comes from hearing what you’ve done! Also, which of these ideas do you want to try? I’m excited for the first one, quitting over thinking. The advice for setting deadlines, it’s already becoming a habit!


mental health, Uncategorized

Today, I’m Kicking My Own Ass.

As always when waking up to a hot man in your bed, I woke up in a great mood. I was super sleepy this morning when the alarm went off at 5am. I turned over and kissed my boyfriend on the cheek as I always do. Then, he once again had to literally drag me out of bed. I’m serious, he sits up and pulls me up, then slowly starts pushing me to the edge of the bed. The process usually takes about 20 minutes. I’m a lucky girl. 

On our way to his house, or closet at this point, he asked me what I was going to do today. “I don’t know, nothing.” And then I thought about it, “Well, maybe laundry and clean up a bit. Maybe I’ll go to a coffee shop today!” It was then that I decided I’d have a good day, no matter what!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know how easy it is to roll your eyes when you have a mental illness and someone says, “choose to be happy!” Look, I get it. I’d slap the shit out of them, too. But hear me out, cause this shit actually is working for me today. And I hope it can help you. 

This morning, it was easy to start cleaning. I was fueled by caffeine and the sunrise. All was well. And then, came time to clean my bedroom. This is when the ambition faded. I am so dreading cleaning my bedroom, if I’m being honest. As soon as my mood took a slight turn downhill, there was no stopping it. I tried to draw, I forced myself to finish at least one load of laundry, and I gave myself pep talks. I even allowed myself to take a nap while I waited for my laundry to dry. I was trying my best to take care of myself, but my mood just kept going down. 

So, I took my afternoon medicine a little early. Hopefully this won’t totally fuck up my evening, but I should be fine. What my medicine is for is to help soften the crash of my earlier medication. Awesome, right? Yeah, not at all, I know. 

Anyway, after taking my medication I was still feeling frustrated. My biggest problem are the thoughts that begin to take over. So many racing thoughts, such a long to do list being added to mentally. It’s ridiculous, torturous, and painful. I was getting so frustrated, and I started to feel sorry for myself again. That’s when it hit me, I need to do something in order to keep today a good day. 

I found strength in being fed up. See, when you say it’ll be a good day, then do nothing about making it one, it won’t be a good day. You have to put action to your words. That’s what I learned today. I got off my ass, put on a sports bra, loose sweater, and some boho loose pants and got on my yoga mat. Before I did anything, I created a little calming space real quick. I moved my little succulent plant over to where I could see it, opened a window, and had some lavender essential oil in the diffuser. I was ready. 

I finished my yoga practice, and didn’t get mad when my data crapped out on me and I didn’t get the last 5 minutes of the yoga video. After my yoga, I took my dog on a walk and remembered some things. Like, my New Years resolutions. One of them is to remember to walk with my head up, which I wasn’t doing at first. You can really tell the difference. I feel happier, more alive and myself when I walk with my head held high. It’s a nice feeling. Try it!

Now, I’m waiting on some paint to dry while I sit outside and write this. My mood is lifted quite a bit, but I know I’m going to have to continually work at it to keep it that way. Through positive thoughts, actions, and putting a jacket on ’cause it’s damn cold outside. 

I hope this helps at least one of you. 


mental health, Uncategorized

They Did Not Give Me Decaf

Either the Starbucks barista didn’t make my coffee decaf, or an iced white mocha has a shit ton of sugar in it! Either way, I’m sitting here shaking, happy as can be. Well, happy as can be while trying to fight off my afternoon depression. 

Turns out, my psychiatrist believes that my afternoon depression is coming from my ADD medication. Once it wears off, I find myself finding life meaningless and pointless. I find myself lonely and sad. I’m not this way during the day, so I’m not too sure what else it may be. But, I’d like to focus on the good things in my life at the moment. 

I’m drawing again. Not because I’m depressed or fighting off abusive thoughts, but because I’m connecting to my emotions. I’ve found this to be a good exercise to do when I’m starting to feel that afternoon depression start to sink in. I can either acknowledge it, and draw to display my numb feeling. Or, I can try and reconnect to feelings of love, happiness, and joy that I felt earlier in the day. Usually when I do that, it ends up being of coffee mugs and our hands. 

Another good thing to happen, is how I’ve been blessed. I get to call this wonderful man my boyfriend. I’m so incredibly lucky. He can make me smile like no other, and he cares about me more than anyone else I’ve known. It hasn’t been long, but he’s been one of the greatest men I’ve known in my life. I couldn’t be more grateful. 

Life goes on while you’re fighting depression. My best friend had a baby, one you can’t see because my head is in the way. I get to call these two women my sisters. I’m so thankful they’ve stuck by my side through everything. The ups and downs of finding the right medication, supporting me through each diagnosis, and loving me unconditionally. They are my inspiration. They are my family. 

Through everything I’ve been experiencing, I’ve been blessed at each step. I’ve been given exactly what I’ve needed to survive. I’ve been given love and support, passion, and kindness. Even during those moments when I felt I wouldn’t survive the night, I was blessed with strength to hang onto life just one more day. And I’m proud to say that I’ve finally gotten the courage to start applying for jobs again. Something part time, sure, but still a step in the right direction.

Thank you to all of my readers and followers, those who have commented along my journey. I’m excited to see what lies ahead, and I hope to keep inspiring and showing you that you’re not alone. This blog is the best thing in my life and has given me so much joy. I’m so grateful for having started to share my story, and I’m grateful for all of those who’ve been reading along. 


Lifestyle, mental health, Uncategorized

Created to be Misunderstood 

Some people were created to be misunderstood. And that’s not a bad thing, I believe some of the most interesting people are those who are not understood. Like, Lady Gaga, for example. She’s authentic and completely her own. She’s been through pain only a select few may understand. 

As for me, I was without a doubt created to be misunderstood. Between my depression, anxiety, ADD, PTSD, positive outlook, creativity, abusive past, and just my all around personality I was never meant to be easily understood. No one understands mental illnesses, except for other people with mental illness. No one understands creativity, because it’s unique to each person. No one understands abuse, except those who have suffered through it. And no one understands having a positive outlook on life while having depression, not even myself. 

I don’t mean this in a whiny, feel sorry for me I’m misunderstood, way. I mean this as an inspiration, embrace the parts of you that go misunderstood. These are the parts of you that make you needed in this world. 

Help us understand these parts of you, let them shine! Help others who are afraid of the parts of them that make no sense. Let them know they aren’t alone. You understand why they can’t let go of that toxic person, why they feel like self harming. Let’s let each other know we don’t suffer alone. We’ve got each other’s backs. We’ve got this shit. 


Positive Vibes, Uncategorized

Life is One Crazy Ride.

As many of you may have noticed, it’s been quite a while since I’ve published anything new.  To update all of you, I had taken a leave of absence from school, as well as from other things.  I spent time getting to know myself again.  As of this past Tuesday, I began school again, was offered a new job, and began laying down a plot for the next chapter in my life.

 While I was on my leave from school, I spent time enjoying life.  I re-watched all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls, made new friends, and visited old ones. The best thing to come out of my time off was a trip to California I took to visit the most important person in my life.  My best friend has always been there for me since kindergarten, she’s seen me at my worst and will be there when I’m at my best.  The connection we share is incredible and seeing her and her husband gave me the motivation I needed.  Also, visiting the town I’ve always called home brought me some peace.  There’s no reason to feel stuck, there’s no sense in being afraid of staying in a place that brings you pain.  I thank both of them so much for inviting me out to see them, I can’t wait to go back!

With positivity always comes some sort of negativity, as well.  It may be instant, it maybe around the corner, but it will be there.  A lot of times in life I’ve felt afraid to be happy because of this fact.  What I’ve learned is that, you can’t live in that fear.  The best thing you can do for yourself is remain confident and positive.  When that negativity shows up, remain strong.  For me, I find my strength in my faith in God as well as the many mantras I keep in my heart.  When I came back from my trip, I was forced with the task of having to move out of one of my best friend’s houses.  Her and her family had opened their house to me when I moved back to Arizona.  And as always, there comes a point when things come to an end.  I’ve temporarily moved back in with my parents, which is a challenge of its own.  In the past, losing a dear friend and living back in this house would tear me apart.  Admittedly, it took a couple days of binge watching Netflix to get back to life.  Also taking a couple mistakes to knock my ego back down a bit, however now I’m back stronger than ever.  I’ve learned to refuse to stay knocked down, I’ve gotten real good at building myself back up stronger.  With the help of God, family, and friends.

Words I choose to live by: Positive, Wild, and Wander.  We all get this one life, why should we spend it in misery?  Yes, shit happens.  You go out of your way for ungrateful people, you get disappointed, people get mean and spread lies.  No one is a perfect human being, if we could all stop blaming each other for our own imperfections, life would be much more enjoyable.  By all means, cry it out.  Take an hour, or a day to accept the fact that you have emotions and they need to be respected.  However, stay positive.  Life continues on and it’s much easier to continue with it, than it is to try and pause it.  

Be Wild!  Don’t take life so damn seriously!  Cuss a little, (responsibily) drink a little too much every now and then, (legally) get a little stoned.  When life gets sad, crack a joke!  The other people in your class get into an inappropriate conversation, sit back and laugh.  That d*ck joke your friend just made?  Admit that it’s funny and laugh your ass off! Come on, we all know talking about d*cks is hilarious. Bring out Cards Against Humanity and let yourself enjoy making fun of this ridiculous world.  For those of you who prefer a more subtle way of being wild, drink too much coffee and spend all freakin’ day reading a book!  There is no day wasted when you spend it going on an adventure.

Don’t forget to Wander.  In my book, a road trip is never a waste.  There’s always something new to discover.  Even if the plans you made don’t work out once you get there, make the best of it.  Jam out to some music, have a conversation with God, call someone you miss.  My favorite memories from this life are all from traveling.  Whether I got on a plane and flew to another continent, or I drove 5 minutes down the road to the river, it was all an adventure.  Hell, sometimes just going to Walmart is an adventure all in its own! Be sure to see things in this life, talk to strangers, be a light in this crazy world. 

Before you move forward, sometimes you need to look back.  Always remember what made you who you are.  In the photo above, I was able to go back to my favorite place in the whole world.  My home.  When I was little, my dad was stationed in San Diego.  I will forever be a California Girl.  That bridge you see in the background was “my bridge.”  It’s my fondest memory of driving with my mom to pick up my dad.  I was such a sweet and loving little girl, excited about everything.  I constantly strive to unapologetically bring some of that personality back to who I am today.  In order to move forward with who I want to become, I need to remain true to myself.

Lastly, I took confidence away from my break.  Not only in looks, but personality as well.  Instead of focusing on the negative, I focus on the things I like.  Accepting that I will never be perfect in my eyes, but am already perfect in the eyes of God and those who truly love me.  I may have a bad habit of smoking cigarettes, my makeup may not last all day, and that’s okay.  I’m socially awkward, I do things without thinking them through, and I say things at the wrong time.  Usually saying them way too loudly.  I tend to over explain myself, but you know what?  That’s who I am.  I don’t play games, I say what’s in my heart.  I care about people who have hurt me and I tend to take years to truly forgive myself for hurting people.  I make no sense, I love working in a customer service environment, yet I am a complete introvert.  Life is just one big book you’re constantly writing.  With chapters small and big.  Pages full of sadness and joy.  Don’t be too hard on yourself, take the time you need for self care. 

I’m excited to get back to sharing inspiration, love, and adventure! My new posting schedule will be, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Please be patient as I try to create this new routine.  I love you all very much and thank you for everything you do!




Positive Vibes, Uncategorized

New Adventures!

Hi everyone!  I’ve missed y’all so much! Life got a little twisted upside down for a while.  I’ll explain and update you all tomorrow with my new post! I’m excited for the new adventures ahead, new inspiration, and new positive vibes that will be shared.  

I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.  My readers mean the world to me.