Lifestyle, mental health

My Journey: Day 1


Today starts the serious effort needed to lift myself up from the haze of depression. Today starts the movement to regain my life back from depression. This is a bold statement, yes, but I have every intention to recreate my life without depression. And I want to take you all along with me on this journey. 

First, I want to get you all updated on how life has been these past few months. I have stopped writing previously, so there’s a bit to catch up on. 

It started in the beginning of June 2017. I did not want to get out of bed. And almost every day since then I have spent the majority of my days laying in bed. They started out terrible, with me just laying there doing nothing but sleeping. Eventually, and I’m talking more than a month of time, I started to at least look at Facebook. More recently, I’ve been spending my days watching various videos on Facebook. Everything from the serious and motivational to the stupid and light-hearted. While I’m probably going to continue this habit after I write this, I’m proud to say that I’ve at least acknowledged the bad habit and am attempting to accomplish some things throughout my day today as well. 

There have been many bumps in the road. Adopting new fur babies, having to give up fur babies, anger and frustration for no reason, and jealousy. I’d say that my biggest struggle coming from this would be the jealousy, as much as I fucking hate to admit it! I’ve been jealous of my boyfriend. He has a full time job, friends who invite him to spend time with them, and a chance to do a little bit of travel for work. I’ve instantly gotten angry every time he is invited to do something fun. I mean, I’ve been spending my days isolated and sad. Of course I’d be jealous but, that didn’t give me the right to take that out on him. I feel terrible about it. However, it’s no one’s fault but my own. 

Over the past 8 months I’ve lost my friends. No one talks to me anymore, no one invites me to spend time with them anymore. I know this is at least partially my own fault. I’ve pushed everyone away, especially within these last few months. I rarely even get the chance to talk to my best friend anymore. Not because I don’t want to but because I feel as though I bother her and add on unnecessary stress to her life with my own problems. It’s just felt easier to keep to myself and not bother others with the way my life has been going. 

On the bright side, I am grateful. I have an amazing boyfriend that has stuck by my side through this all. Through all my moods, self-pity, and just emotionless days. He has been there to make my coffee every morning, he has been there to walk our dog every day, he has been there to hold me through my rough times. He is a blessing. 

Now that you’re caught up a bit, I want to share with you how I plan to make my two goals come true. The first, to recover from this depression. And the second, to inspire others with my story. I made sure to set realistic goals without a time attached to them. They may take years to accomplish, and that’s okay. The important thing is that I don’t give up again. The important thing is that I keep fighting. Daily. 

Recovery From Depression. 

  1. Make the bed every day. 

This may seem a little silly but, it’s actually shown to be a great motivator. This idea came to me quite a while ago, back when I actually had a bed frame and it was easier to make the bed. But, even with the mattress on the floor in the living room, I’m going to give it a shot. My boyfriend first suggested this as it was something he learned in a sober living environment. I heard this idea again yesterday while watching a video of a former Navy man giving a speech. The point is, you wake up and you complete this first small task and it encourages you to then complete another task. If anything at all should go wrong, at least you have a clean and made up bed to crawl into at the end of the day. Another benefit for us struggling with mental health? It’ll help us to stay out of bed as to not mess up the task we completed. 

    2. Set daily goals. 


This is the list of things I have to accomplish today. It’s small, extremely small, yes. However, it’s best to start small and work your way to the bigger things. We all know something as simple as doing the dishes can be a challenge when you’re struggling with life. So, take baby steps and eventually you’ll get there. 

    3. Daily gratitude list. 

This has been one of my go to tasks when I’m struggling with depression. I usually write 10 things I’m grateful for. Some days it’s hard to come up with something. Other days, it’s easy. But this will help to remind you what good there is in your life. Here’s mine: 

  1. God’s patience
  2. My loving boyfriend
  3. Coffee
  4. Cigarettes 
  5. My fur babies
  6. Dinners with my boyfriend
  7. Today is Thursday, almost the weekend
  8. I’m writing again
  9. It’s not too ridiculously hot to sit outside even though I’m starting to sweat like crazy
  10. Taking the first step to recovery 

      4. Wake up earlier. 

I’ve been waking up around noon, smoking a couple cigarettes, and then heading back to bed to watch videos. Mostly, I want to wake up earlier so I feel better about myself, can write before it gets ducking hot as hell outside, and have more time to spend accomplishing my goals. 

These are just a few of the goals I have set to help me overcome this depression. I look forward to the outcome of this journey and I hope it inspires you to get up and make a change in your life as well. 

-Liz

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mental health

I’ve Got This

Today I woke up with determination. Today, it will be good. Although, after one bad comment on my blog I’m feeling like just going back to bed. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me, I shouldn’t. Some people just don’t give a fuck about anyone else. 

Anyway, I want to make today great. I want to get things done and enjoy myself today. I want to have fun and not lay in bed all damn day today. Seriously, my neck is killing me from it! 

So, as I sit outside and drink my coffee, I’ve come up with a few ideas. 

How To Enjoy Yourself Again

1. Give Yourself A Reason

It’s not going to be easy, getting out of the house. Especially when you’ve been isolating yourself like I have. So, my best advice is to give yourself a reason you truly can believe, or want to start believing. For me, my reason is that I’m worthy. I’m worthy of a little pampering, I’m worthy of some relaxation and I’m worthy enough to have a clean house. What’s your reason?

2. Treat Yourself Extravagantly

If you can afford it, go all out. Get your hair done, get your nails done, go to MAC and get your makeup done. Maybe you go to a spa for a day. Whatever will help you feel like the queen or king you are. I’ll be going to get my hair done, it needs it and I can afford it, I’m not going crazy doing all the other things because I know I can’t afford it. However, I might be getting a tattoo tomorrow. 

3. Treat Yourself By Yourself

If you can’t afford the above, or you just haven’t gotten to the point where you can get out of the house, don’t worry. I’ve got your back! Try taking a nice bubble bath, maybe with some candles lit. Try coloring your own hair. Don’t try cutting your own hair. Try a makeup tutorial. Give yourself a DIY face mask. Paint your own damn nails. At the very least, take a fucking shower. We both know you don’t want to, but it’ll help. 

4. Update Your Wardrobe 

Right now, my wardrobe does not reflect the way I want to be. There’s too many colors! So, a great thing to do is grab all the clothes you don’t want anymore, take them to a clothing exchange and use in store credit to get a discount on some slightly used clothing. Or, if you can, take the money they offer you and hit up the mall. Maybe buy yourself one nice piece of clothing. Remember, quality over quantity. 

5. If It’s All Just Too Much

If you’re not at the point where you can take care of yourself or go outside, that’s okay. Grab your favorite book or movie and cuddle up into bed with some hot coffee or tea and enjoy the laziness you deserve. 

What are your tips to getting back to life? Enjoying yourself again? I’d love to know!

-Liz

mental health

Trapped In Bed


For the last few weeks, yes, weeks, I have been trapped under the covers on my bed. It’s been a miserable few weeks, full of self-loathing and hatred. I can’t begin to describe to you what it feels like to be able to sleep all damn day and then still get a full night’s rest. One of the most obvious signs depression has returned is when I sleep all day. Which, obviously, doesn’t help my depression go away. 

After these last few weeks, I’ve gotten the physical side effects of laying in bed all day, every day. I’ve got this pain in my neck/shoulder that will not go away. It kept me up most of the night last night, too. And my body, it’s gotten used to not doing anything so any time I actually want to do something, it’s all like, “what the fuck, dude?” And then I go back to bed. 

The worst part of it all is the mental aspect of giving up and hiding under the safety of your covers. You start to feel guilt when your boyfriend comes home from roofing all day in the hot sun, and all you’ve done today is cry. Or, when the weekend comes you spend the whole time watching him clean while you just sit there. Guilt and shame fill your mind, and you know it’s so easy for others to just think you’re being lazy, but you’re not. 

How To Survive Being Suck In Bed

1. Clean Sheets

I mean, come on. You’re going to be stuck in bed for God knows how long, might as well do yourself a favor to help you feel better and put on some freshly clean sheets. Trust me, it helps a little. 

2. Wear Comfy Clothes

Bring out your favorite oversized shirt and forget wearing pants! Do yourself a huge favor, change your clothes daily, even if you’re not leaving your bed. After a week of laying down, you don’t want to be in the same shirt. And make sure they’re clean clothes! It helps a little, too. 


3. Grab Your Favorite Calming Drink

For me, it’s coffee. And thankfully I smoke when I drink coffee so, I have to get out of bed for this one. Only time when smoking is okay, I guess! Anyway, grab some hot tea or something and enjoy it cozied up in bed. Hey, it might even make a good Instagram photo! Oh! And if you have the money, go on Etsy and order yourself some positive sayings mugs. My favorite right now says, “you got this!” 

4. Get Your Ass Up

Every hour, try to do something, anything. Whether it’s take a shower, wash a couple dishes, or just walk around your room real quick, do something every hour. Who knows, maybe you’ll start to do more things each hour when you get up!

5. Eat Some Food In Bed

I give you permission to eat in bed. I don’t care whether it’s chocolate cake or a salad, eat something. Depression is the best appetite suppressant there is for some people. Others, they can’t stop eating. But whatever you do, make sure you eat during the day. Please. 

6. Binge Watch Netflix

One of my personal favorites, binge watching Netflix. It gets you out of reality and lets you be entertained. Watch a good movie or your favorite tv show. This is a good time to snack, too. 

7. Get Some Fresh Air

Maybe during one of your hour breaks you can step outside for some fresh air. I don’t care if it’s raining, sunny, or snowing, get outside for at least 5 minutes. Feel the rain on your skin, feel the sun warm your soul, feel the cold air. Remind yourself that you are alive. 

8. Open The Windows

I can’t tell you how much it helps to just open the windows and let some fresh air in, and some natural light. Nature has a way of uplifting the spirit even if just a little bit. 

What are some ways you survive when depression has you stuck in bed? I’d like some ideas!

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized

Ways To Brighten Your Day With Depression


Depression makes things seem so damn dark. Everywhere you look, it’s like gray swallows you whole. It’s hard to find the light in life again, but there are ways to find some color. 

It doesn’t have to be so dark and grim. I know how hard it is to see color again when depression has its evil grip on you. I also know things that let me see a little bit of color through the gray, even at least for a moment. 

My tips for seeing color again. 


1. Buy Pretty Flowers

Sure, this can be a bit of a waste of money, I mean they usually die a couple days later. But, the process of buying yourself some flowers and arranging them in a beautiful way can help you stop and appreciate the little things. Plus, it’s a simple way to literally add color to your life. If you don’t like the idea of buying flowers, go pick some if you can or you can go on a goodwill run and buy some fake flowers, they last a hell of a lot longer (and you don’t have to clean them up later when they’re all gross because you forgot about them)!

2. Sit Outside

This is something I ALWAYS do when I’m depressed, even if it’s 120 degrees outside. Okay, only to smoke a cigarette and get my ass back inside when it’s 120 out. Thanks, Arizona. But, the fresh air, birds chirping, and the sunlight do a whole hell of a lot of good for your mood. It reminds you there is a great big world out there for you. 

3. Drink Your Favorite Coffee (Or Tea)

I do this constantly, drink my favorite coffee. It’s simple, make some coffee, put a shit ton of creamer in it, and an ice cube to cool it down a bit. I’m lucky my favorite coffee is something I can make at home. But if your favorite coffee costs $5 at Starbucks, go get it. It’s worth it for a little pick me up. And those weirdos out there who love tea, nothing is better than sitting down with some hot tea with honey and sugar. It just instantly relaxes you. Go ahead, make yourself some tea. Or, go buy a fancy tea from Starbucks, you deserve to be pamper to you little tea loving crazies. Seriously, though, you e heard of coffee, right?


4. Get A Little Creative

I don’t care if it’s writing, drawing, or painting a ducking tree branch teal, just do something creative. And, yes, I picked up a couple tree branches and painted them. Judge me. But, it got me into painting small things I use to decorate around the house. Goodwill is a good place to find those. Hell, I even started painting furniture. I love it. Just do something to get your mind thinking and your hands moving. Even if you don’t feel any joy from it, the outcome will make you feel like you were able to accomplish something while depressed, no matter how small. 

5. Watch A Funny Show

This one is simple, just go on Netflix and watch Friends. Or Gilmore Girls. Or if you’re weird, something else. But make sure it’s funny, even just stand up comedy. Get yourself to laugh, or at least crack a half assed smile. Plus, it’ll take you out of the depression fogged reality you’re living in. 

6. Watch The Sunrise

I know, I know, who in their right mind wants to get up early enough to watch the dang sunrise? I only do it because I have to take my boyfriend to work and leave the house at 6am. However, there’s something so beautiful about watching darkness turn to light. It gives you hope that your own darkness will turn to light. It’s possible. 


7. Cuddle With Your Pet

Unless, you know, you have a fish. Then that’s probably not a good idea. Get yourself something furry. I strongly believe in pets, they just have a way of making you feel loved. 

8. Go On A Walk

I know, a walk won’t cure you of your depression like everyone fucking seems to think it does. But, it does help. Getting yourself moving is one of the best ways to defeat depression, it just happens to be the hardest, right? Take a walk, around your backyard, down the street and back, or go for it and go on a hike. Just noticing the world around you makes you feel less alone. And it gets you out of your head for a moment. 


9. Take Some Creative Self Portraits

This helped me a lot when I was going through some depression. It got me thinking, “how can I express what life is like depressed?” It’s a great therapy to give some visual to your depression. Use your phone, or your camera, but make it Creative. Even if you’re not creative, give it a try. You might be surprised. Don’t force anything, don’t fake it. And do more than take a selfie. 

10. Do The Motherfucking Dishes (sorry, I’m running out of cuss words)

Just do them. I know you don’t want to, hell, you may not have the energy to do them. You might even have to take a nap afterwards, but do them. Please. It’ll make you feel so accomplished afterwards. You actually did something to take care of yourself! How awesome is that? Breathe, it’s not as big of a chore as you’re making it out to be. And nothing helps with depression like a clean kitchen. 

11. Take A Spa-Like Bath

Come on, men. I know you like bubble baths, too! Just fill your tub up with water and get some bubble bath that smells good to you. I recommend lavender or rose, they’re the best relaxing scents in my opinion. When I’m super depressed, I go all out. I get a pretty bath bomb and I gather my face cleaning products. I give myself a simple little facial while soaking in the tub. Plus, washing up just makes you feel a bit better. And afterwards, you’re relaxed enough to crawl back into bed refreshed for a nice little nap!

12. Do Your Makeup Differently

Okay, so this one is mostly for the girls, but try it. Look up looks on Pinterest or find a makeup tutorial on YouTube. Try something new. Learn to contour, try rocking the black eyeshadow, or put on that red lipstick you never use. It’ll help you see yourself in a new light, and you might even enjoy it. Don’t look at is as another thing you have to do, no, look at it as having fun like when you were a kid playing with your mom’s makeup! Get weird. 


13. Wear Some Heels

Again, sorry, mostly for the girls here. But if you’ve got to go somewhere, why not try and dress it up a little? People who normally see you in converse will compliment you, and what’s better for your depression than someone noticing your effort? Be confident, rock some heels. You’ll feel like you rule the world! Or, if you feel absolutely uncomfortable in heels, rock your fanciest flats. I believe in you!

14. Get Out Of The Dang Yoga Pants (Or Basketball Shorts, Whatever You Wear)

Just change into something a little more put together. It doesn’t have to be jeans, unless you’ve got a comfy pair, but just try and get ready for the day. A little effort, even if you don’t go anywhere. I know I don’t feel like doing anything if I’m still in my pajamas. Put on some clothes and see how you feel from there. 

15. Or, Get Into Some Dang Yoga Pants (To Do Yoga)

Yoga works wonders for depression. Getting yourself moving and stretching is a great feeling. Plus, some people end up feeling more connected to the universe, their god, or even themselves. Getting mind and body working together is a life saver. Check out Yoga With Adrienne on YouTube, she has practices for anger, anxiety, depression, even period cramps. But men, don’t be discouraged, yoga is good for you, too. Plus, you’re at home, you don’t have to tell anyone you did yoga. 

16. Open The Windows

If everything else is just too much (I’ve been there, I am there), then just simply open the windows. Let the fresh air in and listen to the world outside. It’s calming, especially with some hot coffee or tea. Sit by the window and stare out at life. Appreciate where you live, seek for the beautiful in the everyday. 

-Liz

Lifestyle, Uncategorized

Ideas For A Better Life (That I’ll Try, Too)

I usually stay away from blog posts like this one. I love to read them, but writing them usually isn’t my cup of tea. Because I drink coffee. However, it will probably benefit me from trying some of these ideas out myself. So, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not writing this as a person who has all the answers, I’m writing as someone who needs this advice as well. 

1. Stop Overthing Every Damn Thing

We make life so dang complicated by overthinking. I’m guilty of it so much. I even spent this morning over thinking my blog post. But, when I caught myself I instantly made a change. What was going on was I changed my mind about a post to write yesterday, so I stole from today (I’m actually starting to plan out my posts, guys!). Anyway, that left me without something to write, and I didn’t want to steal again from tomorrow because then I’d just be putting off having to come up with something new, again. Luckily, I remembered I worked a bit on this post last night. So, now here we are!

My best advice for over thinking is this. If you’re trying to make a choice about whether to do this dishes, write a post, or even shower, give yourself 30 seconds to decide. I read this from The Positivity Blog. They also suggested that if you’ve got a bigger choice to make, say like, should I date this guy or should I sign up for the class, give yourself 30 minutes, or maybe even all day. But, make a choice by dinner! If it’s something bigger, like buying a house, give yourself a deadline of a couple days.

My personal advice is a little bit more challenging. When I over think things it’s  like, why does my boyfriend have texts from an unknown number? Thanks to my ex, I’m terrified of having another relationship end because I’m being cheated on. As soon as I saw that number, my mind went out of control. So, I calmly talked to him. I asked what that number was and told him I wasn’t trying to be controlling or untrusting, just that shit has happened in the past that makes me worry. He was totally fine with it, and if he’s not okay with it, do want that kind of negativity in your life? I think not. 

One last piece of advice, add a mantra where you will see it daily. This one is hard for me, I tend to over look things. But I’m going to give it a shot. Try something like, “keep things extremely simple” or, even something like, “don’t fucking overthink shit, Liz.”

2. Let The Negativity Go

There are things in life that we are surrounded by every day that are negatively impacting our lives. For me, it’s Facebook. Sure, there are some funny memes and you get updated on your friends’ lives, but there is so much negative spam on my Facebook. I blame it on the excessive liking pages when it was a thing to like a page you related to. Now my Facebook is just trash half the time. I would start a new one, but so many photos would be lost! 

Negativity in our lives can also come from the people we surround ourselves with. Even as a teenager, I knew when it was time to cut out someone negatively impacting my life. Although, at 19 I forgot what that meant and spent all summer wasted until I got arrested. 

My advice is this, get rid of at least two negative things. For me, it’s less time on Facebook. From now on, I’ll only go on there if I have a notification or I need to share something important. Other than that, I downloaded StumbleUpon which has a lot more interesting things on there for me to read. I’m also limiting my time spent talking to a certain person, okay, my mother. Lately, she’s been pretty decent, but negativitiy flows through her half the time. As much as I love her, limited time is probably best. 

3. Live In The Now

This one is challenging for me. I’m always thinking of the past or future, sometimes both at the same time. Most people will tell you to meditate or pick out like, our 5 senses in the moment. I’m going to simplify this for you. Stare at one spot, or close your eyes of you like. Take a deep breath, and just notice the sounds. For me, it’s landscapers, the typing on my phone, birds, Call of Duty, and my boyfriend talking to himself while playing video games. This actually made me feel a bit better, I love hearing him talk to himself while playing video games, it makes me laugh. 

4. Stop Comparing Yourself To Those Damn Instagram Models (or anyone else)

This is something I’ve struggled with A LOT lately. For some reason, depression has made me focus on the fact that I don’t look perfect and my apartment doesn’t look like Pinterest walked in after a long night of binge drinking and threw up all over the place.

Yes, some girls (or guys) actually look like those people on Instagram. I would know, I used to be in a class with one of them. It can make you so insecure. But, it’s okay. Because real life isn’t perfect, we all have our flaws. If you don’t like something, change it. For me, it’s the little bit of belly fat I’ve got going on. I’m about to go to Florida and it’s going to be another week of pressure to look good in a bikini. Obviously, I don’t want to change bad enough because I’m sitting on my ass right now. So, I’m going to work on the way I see myself, and work on being confident enough to rock that bikini. Also, it might help to get a new one that fits properly. 

Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to who you used to be. Look back (don’t stay too long, remember, live in the moment). Who are you now compared to a year ago? For me, I cared way too much about making it look like I had the perfect life. I’d do my makeup perfect (which I miss), I’d do yoga and show it off, I’d even drink $7 juices. Now, I’m confident enough to go out without makeup, I don’t do yoga as often as I’d like but I don’t have to show it off, and instead of spending $7 on a juice, I spend $4 on a coffee. Okay, more like $10 because my boyfriend needs some Starbucks in his life, too. 

If you find you don’t like something about now that you liked then, work on changing it. I like that I went to school a year ago, I don’t like that I’m not going to school now. So, while in Florida, I’m going to have a long talk about why I should go back to school. And hopefully, this fall I’ll be working towards a degree in psychology. 

5. Stop Doing Nothing And Expecting Change

This is a hard one for me. I do absolutely nothing to Better how I live my life. I’m not working towards anything, but I can. I can start small like, making myself clean the apartment and actually keep it clean! I’m afraid to, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe secretly I think I don’t deserve an apartment I love, or maybe I’ve just simply gotten used to having my boyfriend pick up the slack. Either way, things need to change. And once I get myself moving, it’ll be easier to keep myself moving. 

If you want to lose the weight, or make the lifestyle change, or make that project work, start doing things! It only takes little small steps each day. You got this. 

6.  Stop Trying To Be So Damn Perfect

A lot of the time I don’t do something because I know it won’t be perfect. I don’t write the post because I’m not in a sarcastic mood and it won’t turn out badass. Or, I don’t paint because I know it will look like shit. 

Just stop it. Flaws mean unique. Handmade means flaws. You don’t have to look perfect before doing something, you don’t have to perfectly clean the apartment to do it. Just do it and do the best you can, then be proud that you actually did it. Accept the flaws, accept the uniqueness that is your own outcome of trying. 

7. Ignore The Negative People

Remember number 2? This one is so important. Negative people have a tendency to get into our minds and feed on our insecurities. If we don’t let go of these people, we start to believe what they say, believe we deserve how they treat us. As someone who has been emotionally abused for YEARS, I know how hard it is to let go of your abuser, or negative friend. We create this weird, creepy attachment to them because we start to believe what they say. They validate what we think of ourselves. I struggled with a boyfriend who was like this, as well as my mom. It took me years to accept that I am not a slut, I’m not crazy, I didn’t deserve to be raped, and I’m not a selfish bitch. The list goes on. But take the trash out, guys. Let it go. Learn to love yourself, flaws and all. Yes, I’ve slept around, but I’m not a slut. Yes, I have panic attacks, but I’m not crazy. Yes, I was drugged and raped, but I didn’t ask for it. Yes, I can be selfish and I have my bitchy moments, but I know I care about people and I’m generally a nice person. 

Lastly, 

8. Take Small Steps Daily

Do little things here and there that will build up to something bigger. Like, my apartment situation. It’s not a disaster, but it’s a bit cluttered. I can start by doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen one day. Then the next I tackle the living room. You don’t have to do everything at once. One week work on getting your blog out there so people can see it, the next work on creating interactive ways to include your readers. Don’t do everything at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed. Break it down, take it day by day. 

I love comments!

What are some of your ideas for a better life? What have you done that encourages you daily and feeds positivity into your life or others around you? I love the inspiration that comes from hearing what you’ve done! Also, which of these ideas do you want to try? I’m excited for the first one, quitting over thinking. The advice for setting deadlines, it’s already becoming a habit!

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized

Thank You For Your Patience


To all my friends and family, new and old, thank you. 

Yesterday, I discovered something earth shattering. I have lost myself. In the pursuit of “finding myself” and getting help, I lost who I am. For many reasons, I’m not the person I once was. And I thank you for sticking by my side.

My journey with taking medication for my mental illness has turned my life upside down. I’m unpredictable. I never know if I’ll wake up to a good and happy day, or to a low and depressed day. I’ve been all over the place. I’ve been desperate, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been self absorbed. And I am sorry. 


I finally put some puzzle pieces together and came to the realization that my mood stabilizer has not been helpful. In fact, it’s well on my way to turning me into a zombie. I don’t like that. I’ve become emotionless, I’ve lost sight of the meaning in anything. I’ve lost the joy that comes from my writing, half the time I don’t even enjoy drinking my coffee anymore!

Last night, I was too bad off to even think about possibly watching Netflix. All I could do was lay on my sofa and daydream the misery away. I tried calling my dad, but that didn’t help for the most part. I was told to go to the hospital if I needed to. I needed encouragement, not fear. 


For anyone who knows me, you know how I am. I’m full of emotion, love, kindness, and passion. I get excited over the smallest things. I dream big. I have goals for myself. I love to travel. I explore and have adventures every chance I get. I like to look up at the stars, and I like to dance in the rain. Or, hail if I’m not wearing my glasses and I think it’s raining!

I haven’t been fully me since I began my journey with medication. Honestly, yes, it helped me get out of bed during a Depressive Episode, but now what? It’s just causing me more misery. And costing a shit ton of money! Seriously, so much damn money!

My “cure” isn’t going to be found in a little white pill. It isn’t going to be found in a big self help Workbook. No, it’s going to be found by living life again. By starting school back up and by traveling. It’s going to come on a day when I’m alive and well. Not when I’m hiding away from the world on my little patio drinking coffee and chain smoking. 

So, to those of you who stand by my side, thank you. Thank you for being there even when I have not been myself. Thank you for reminding me of my strength and my love. I’ll get back to me soon enough, please continue being patient as I try to find myself in this mess again. 

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized

The Reality of it All


Yesterday, I had a friend tell me what depression is. He, who has never suffered from depression, had an opinion in which he believed to be fact based. “Depression is described as an overwhelming sadness for no reason. Not being emotionless. That’s something else.” I refrained from letting this anger me. But the truth is, he’s just wrong. 

Sure, depression is sometimes an overwhelming sadness for no reason. I’ve experienced that before. But I also know my depression, I know it’s not just feeling sad. If it were only feeling an overwhelming sadness, wouldn’t I be in tears all the time? There would be no need for self harm, because the sadness would be something I felt, it would let me know I am alive. 

As I sit here, right now, I know I am depressed. Not because I am sad or because I want to cry, but because I feel nothing. I feel numb. I do not feel alive. And that, that is depression. When you look over at a stack of books you were so happy to see the day before, and only feel pain, that is depression. 


I sit here, next to a box full of creative projects I could be doing. The options are endless to what I can create. Yet, I don’t feel the need to reach down and pick anything up. In fact, looking at it, I don’t feel anything at all. 

I look at what I’ve already created, hanging just above it. I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel accomplished, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just there. It’s just taking up space. 


My sweet and precious fur baby is laying on my lap as I write this. I don’t feel annoyed, I don’t feel loved. He’s just there. Something I can’t move because, if I did, he’d come right back. No matter how many times I try and push him away. 

I felt so inspired just yesterday. I felt like today, I’d be on top of the world. But, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning for hours. I’ve done nothing but write simple posts all morning. I felt a bit of excitement when planning a road trip with friends, but that’s long gone now. I don’t even remember how I felt. 


All I can do, is sit here. Drink my coffee. Smoke my cigarettes. I wonder when this numbness will go away. Sure, I feel slightly sad that I’m like this. But, for the most part, I feel nothing. What’s the point? What’s the use in trying? Nothing makes me happy, nothing brings me joy. 

I found a purpose for my life, I know what I want to accomplish. Yet, what’s the point? I want a family and a loving husband one day. But, what’s the point? I know I need to work on myself, I need to break this cycle. What’s the damn point? 

I saw a video just a little bit ago. It describes life with depression. At the end, it said two things can happen. One, you reach out and get help. Two, you attempt suicide. 

The point for me, is to not attempt suicide. That’s not how I want to go. I don’t want to leave that pain behind. I don’t want to die. But, what’s the point in continuing this life? What’s the point in doing nothing all day. Sure, I could get out and go to a coffee shop, but what’s the point? 

This is the moment when I fight to not lay in bed all day. Yes, I’m just sitting on my patio all day, but for me, it’s not giving up. Sitting on my patio is me trying to hang on. I may not know the point, I may refuse to see the point, but I will hang on until I find it. 

I will keep writing, it’s the only thing that keeps me alive. I will keep looking at inspiring photos on Pinterest, with hopes it’ll inspire me to get off my ass. It’s cloudy today, I’m thankful I got to see that. I love cloudy days. Soon, I will have packages arriving that will have things in them to decorate my patio with. Maybe that’ll help me feel again. 

I know I’ll feel again. I know this is just a phase of depression. And I know, for a fact, there is a point to all of this. Somewhere out there is a reason I am still fighting this battle. There is a reason I haven’t given up, I won’t give up. Even if it’s just to see another cloudy day. 

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized

The First Sign


For many of us with a Depressive Disorder, we know the first signs of an episode. Please, don’t ignore the first sign. Catching onto the fact that you’re depressed early might help you avoid falling into the darkness. Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never tried it, but it’s worth a shot. 

This past week I couldn’t sleep. So, it kinda made sense when I didn’t want to get out of bed. However, last night I slept perfectly fine. I still did not want to get out of bed. From 6am to 9am I laid in bed half awake, sometimes going back to sleep. I day dreamed a lot. But it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t day dreams of the future. No, they were day dreams of the past. 

I was putting myself back into my memories. Of all the good times, and some bad, from a year or more ago. I’ve moved on, excited for the future. Yet, there I was, wishing I was back in those moments. 

I love mornings, so when I don’t want to wake up for them, I know something is wrong. When I start sleeping 10+ hours at night, something is wrong. If I start taking naps, then I know I need help quickly. 

I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from doing absolutely nothing. The same old shit every day. Making plans for my future that I will be too afraid to actually act upon. 

I know what will help me, I have a whole plan set up for my success. But I just can’t seem to start it. Not at all. 

Bit by bit I hope it’ll start coming together, hopefully tomorrow I will wake up with the courage to start fresh and make an impact. I hope it will last. But, who knows. All I can do is try. 

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized


Maybe, just maybe, I’m not meant to be found in a self help book, in a routine. 

I’ve always been a free spirit. I’ve always been the one to suggest random road trips. Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to try and find the answers in self help books and routines. Maybe that’s not where I’m meant to be found. 

I’ve always called the open road my home. But lately, I’ve had no desire to go out there. Honestly, it scares me now. I’ve become so accustomed to living in my little apartment that I’ve totally forgotten what makes me, me. 


I blame part of it on my ADD medication. It’s taken away my impulses. At least for the most part. And, that’s a good thing. But, maybe I don’t need an impulsive trip. Maybe I need a planned trip. A thought out trip. Or something. 

I blame another part of it on my anxiety. For the past few months I’ve been afraid to do things I once found enjoyable. Suddenly, I’m afraid to go places alone. All the paranoid thoughts began to sound like truth. My sense of adventure, my life, has diminished. 


I’m not saying self help books don’t work. They do. They’ve given me helpful advice. But, I’m a bit unique. I’m not just any regular depressed or anxious person. I have things about me that can not be defined in a book. 

Maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. Maybe I’ve been trying to find myself in the wrong books. Maybe, it’s time for a complete turn around in my recovery program I have created. 

It’s time to think like the real Elizabeth, not this structured, routine, dull, afraid person that I have been. 

Just some early morning thoughts. 

-Liz

mental health, Uncategorized

Just Push Through


“Just push through.” These were my grandma’s favorite words on the phone today. I swear, she said them 20 times in a row. I about threw the phone across the room. “Just push through.” She reminded me. Say that and all my problems go away, I become normal. That’s how she made it seem. “Just push through.” I couldn’t hear that phrase one more time. It’s become more hated in my mind than the saying, “it is what it is.” 


I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. But, I just grinned and said, “okay, that is good advice.”

It got me wondering, do people think depression exists solely because we don’t want to do things? Do they think that we let ourselves get overwhelmed on purpose? That we don’t want to “just push through?” 

Do people think I can’t make a doctor’s appointment because I don’t want to? Do people think I don’t have a job because I don’t want to? Do people seriously believe that I just sit around all day doing nothing because I don’t want to participate in life?

Because none of that is true. 


I’m a woman who was once a little girl, full of hopes and dreams. That little girl still lives inside of me, but she’s buried underneath the weight that this world has put on me. 

I want to travel. I want to get paid for my work. I want to learn. I want to explore. I want to create. I want to have a social life. I want to have a loving relationship. One day, I’d like to be married with kids. One day, I’d like to live in a house. One day, I’d like to have a car I paid for on my own. 

I have deep, wild passions in this life. My mind runs constantly. I want to do this, I want to do that, I just can’t keep track anymore. I can’t focus on just one goal, which makes it all that much harder to accomplish just one goal. 

It sounds simple, to focus on one thing. You only have to work on one thing. But my mind doesn’t work that way. Not at all. Matter of fact, my mind doesn’t work normally any day. 


I don’t want to just sit around and do nothing. I don’t want to keep avoiding life. I want to be a part of the world. I want to have a good job and I want to have a life other than sitting on my patio all day and filling up my time. I want to work towards something, I want to accomplish something! 

But, I can’t. Not at the moment, anyway. I long for the day that I get up in the morning, have my coffee, get ready in a nice outfit, go out and work, and then come home and relax. But that’s not something I can have at this point in my life. Not yet. 

I need to be okay with that, I don’t need you to be okay with that. Because, it’s my life and not yours. I’m pushing through every day. Each day I have one major goal, to survive. And drink coffee. 

Right now, I get overwhelmed very easily. I can be doing absolutely nothing and that can even be overwhelming for me. I don’t know how, I don’t understand it, but that’s how it is. And I don’t know how to cope with it just yet.

Major Depressive Disorder has me down for the count. It has me struggling to keep breathing each day. It’s got its weight on my shoulders. It keeps me in bed for hours after I had planned on getting up. It looks at my intentions, my to do lists, and it laughs. 

Anxiety Disorder keeps me in my place. It keeps me from even thinking about making a step towards progress. Each time I think, I’m going to do this to change the way I’m living, I get overwhelmed by fear and panic. I don’t know how to overcome this just yet. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has me up all night. I can’t sleep. I remember being awake at 4am this morning. It makes sure to remind me that I’m worthless, it reminds me daily of the pain I have suffered. It forces me to continue suffering. 

Attention Deficit Disorder keeps me confused, basically. I can’t process information. It comes in and out of my mind too quickly. I can’t give each thought enough attention. I have wonderful ideas, great amazing plans. But none of them happen because I can’t process each step to get there. By the time I’ve figured out my first step, I’m already thinking about what other amazing things I could be doing. It’s exhausting. 


I’m still learning to be okay. After a year of being in this place, I’m still trying to accept it. Some days, my mind is blank. Other days, it almost works normally. My mind is too unreliable. It’s too all over the place. It’s too far out of my control. 

I haven’t yet mastered a way to control my mind. I’m working on it. I’ve gotten further than I have ever been before, but I still need time. Time to heal, time to grow, time to learn. 

One day, I’ll be driving across country exploring again. Until then, I work on what I can. I focus on what I can. I try not to get too excited about things. I try and remain in reality. 

-Liz