Lifestyle, mental health

My Journey: Day 1


Today starts the serious effort needed to lift myself up from the haze of depression. Today starts the movement to regain my life back from depression. This is a bold statement, yes, but I have every intention to recreate my life without depression. And I want to take you all along with me on this journey. 

First, I want to get you all updated on how life has been these past few months. I have stopped writing previously, so there’s a bit to catch up on. 

It started in the beginning of June 2017. I did not want to get out of bed. And almost every day since then I have spent the majority of my days laying in bed. They started out terrible, with me just laying there doing nothing but sleeping. Eventually, and I’m talking more than a month of time, I started to at least look at Facebook. More recently, I’ve been spending my days watching various videos on Facebook. Everything from the serious and motivational to the stupid and light-hearted. While I’m probably going to continue this habit after I write this, I’m proud to say that I’ve at least acknowledged the bad habit and am attempting to accomplish some things throughout my day today as well. 

There have been many bumps in the road. Adopting new fur babies, having to give up fur babies, anger and frustration for no reason, and jealousy. I’d say that my biggest struggle coming from this would be the jealousy, as much as I fucking hate to admit it! I’ve been jealous of my boyfriend. He has a full time job, friends who invite him to spend time with them, and a chance to do a little bit of travel for work. I’ve instantly gotten angry every time he is invited to do something fun. I mean, I’ve been spending my days isolated and sad. Of course I’d be jealous but, that didn’t give me the right to take that out on him. I feel terrible about it. However, it’s no one’s fault but my own. 

Over the past 8 months I’ve lost my friends. No one talks to me anymore, no one invites me to spend time with them anymore. I know this is at least partially my own fault. I’ve pushed everyone away, especially within these last few months. I rarely even get the chance to talk to my best friend anymore. Not because I don’t want to but because I feel as though I bother her and add on unnecessary stress to her life with my own problems. It’s just felt easier to keep to myself and not bother others with the way my life has been going. 

On the bright side, I am grateful. I have an amazing boyfriend that has stuck by my side through this all. Through all my moods, self-pity, and just emotionless days. He has been there to make my coffee every morning, he has been there to walk our dog every day, he has been there to hold me through my rough times. He is a blessing. 

Now that you’re caught up a bit, I want to share with you how I plan to make my two goals come true. The first, to recover from this depression. And the second, to inspire others with my story. I made sure to set realistic goals without a time attached to them. They may take years to accomplish, and that’s okay. The important thing is that I don’t give up again. The important thing is that I keep fighting. Daily. 

Recovery From Depression. 

  1. Make the bed every day. 

This may seem a little silly but, it’s actually shown to be a great motivator. This idea came to me quite a while ago, back when I actually had a bed frame and it was easier to make the bed. But, even with the mattress on the floor in the living room, I’m going to give it a shot. My boyfriend first suggested this as it was something he learned in a sober living environment. I heard this idea again yesterday while watching a video of a former Navy man giving a speech. The point is, you wake up and you complete this first small task and it encourages you to then complete another task. If anything at all should go wrong, at least you have a clean and made up bed to crawl into at the end of the day. Another benefit for us struggling with mental health? It’ll help us to stay out of bed as to not mess up the task we completed. 

    2. Set daily goals. 


This is the list of things I have to accomplish today. It’s small, extremely small, yes. However, it’s best to start small and work your way to the bigger things. We all know something as simple as doing the dishes can be a challenge when you’re struggling with life. So, take baby steps and eventually you’ll get there. 

    3. Daily gratitude list. 

This has been one of my go to tasks when I’m struggling with depression. I usually write 10 things I’m grateful for. Some days it’s hard to come up with something. Other days, it’s easy. But this will help to remind you what good there is in your life. Here’s mine: 

  1. God’s patience
  2. My loving boyfriend
  3. Coffee
  4. Cigarettes 
  5. My fur babies
  6. Dinners with my boyfriend
  7. Today is Thursday, almost the weekend
  8. I’m writing again
  9. It’s not too ridiculously hot to sit outside even though I’m starting to sweat like crazy
  10. Taking the first step to recovery 

      4. Wake up earlier. 

I’ve been waking up around noon, smoking a couple cigarettes, and then heading back to bed to watch videos. Mostly, I want to wake up earlier so I feel better about myself, can write before it gets ducking hot as hell outside, and have more time to spend accomplishing my goals. 

These are just a few of the goals I have set to help me overcome this depression. I look forward to the outcome of this journey and I hope it inspires you to get up and make a change in your life as well. 

-Liz

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Isolation 


It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. And honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten out of bed before 3pm because I wanted to. I’ve spent so many days laying in bed watching videos on Facebook to pass the time. And I’m getting tired of it. So fucking tired of it. 

Yesterday, it took all of my energy just to make three phone calls. One, to cancel a therapy appointment I probably should have gone to. And the other two calls to family members. 

Things are tough for me right now, they’ve been worse before but, for some reason, I’m shutting out life at the moment. I’m not talking to my friends, I’m not posting anything on social media, I’m not even changing out of my pajamas until it’s time to pick my boyfriend up from work. I sleep until 11 or 12 and by then it’s too damn hot to enjoy any time outside like I used to. 

To be honest, I kinda feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I have. I’m not connected to anything anymore. Writing doesn’t bring the same passion it once did. Drawing is too much of an effort. Cleaning? Forget about it. 

I want to make a change, I want to kick myself in the ass and start living again. I feel that day is coming soon. I just have to hold on and make it to that day. And I will, because I’m strong. 

-Liz

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Hello, Again. 

As some of you may have noticed, I haven’t written in quite a while. Partially due to my phone being totally fucked up and partially due to just not having it in me anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s just not there. 

Honestly, I’ve been hiding. I’ve kinda given up in a way. I stay in bed all day, I don’t do shit. It’s been tearing me apart but I’m at a complete loss at how to go about changing it. I just don’t know anymore. 

I don’t really feel anything again. I kind of feel like this empty waste of space lying around. I don’t want to feel that way, but sadly, I do. 

I’m just at a complete loss as to how to go about helping myself. I don’t know where to go from here. 

-Liz

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Thankful

I’m struggling a lot with gratitude today. I find myself pointing out everything that is wrong. 

Being disappointed I haven’t done anything for my birthday weekend, the fact I’ve gained weight, the puppy constantly creating a mess, the shitty day I had yesterday, everything.

So, I just wanted to post a little something to remind us all to be grateful. 

23 Things I’m Grateful For

  1. God’s love
  2. Being alive
  3. A wonderful boyfriend
  4. Coffee
  5. Mornings
  6. My fur babies 
  7. When I’m able to write
  8. My creativity 
  9. A house to live in
  10. My previous travels
  11. Yoga pants
  12. The cleaning I did yesterday 
  13. Air conditioning 
  14. Good food
  15. A cleaner house
  16. Time spent with my boyfriend 
  17. Love
  18. Others inspiring stories
  19. Challenging myself
  20. Being able to cry yesterday 
  21. Did I say coffee?
  22. Trying my best
  23. Overcoming all of my struggles

I hope this helps inspire you all to remain grateful even in times when it seems there’s no reason to be. 

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I Didn’t Choose This

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Sitting here, at my favorite coffee shop, I can’t help but wonder, what is wrong with me?

I’m not currently working as many of you know and that, that drives me crazy.  What you see and what I see can be similar, but also very different.

Today, I’m wondering why I can’t work.  Am I choosing to be “lazy”?  Am I choosing this life of not doing anything?  Am I actively trying to not work?

See, the thing is, I want to work.  I want to work so badly.  Whether it’s my own company I start up, or just a simple cashier job at a small store, I want to work.  I miss the feeling of earning my own money.  I miss the feeling of working towards a goal.  But the truth is, I can’t work.  As much as I want to.

I’m sure one day I’ll be able to work on something other than my own mental health again, but right now it’s not all that possible.

Yesterday, I had a great idea.  Something I could create and help others with.  But, my depression stopped me.  It just straight up put the brakes on my mind and kept me from accomplishing anything to do with my dreams.  And it still kills me inside.  It’s killing me right now.

I look at myself and only feel sadness.  If only I could figure out a way to get past this.  If only I could figure out how to create things without the painful thoughts killing my dreams.

I found myself yesterday wanting to die, not finding a single thing I could cling onto other than the fact that I know that this will pass.  It will pass and I will be content not doing anything again for a while and then I’ll have another damn idea and get heartbroken again because I can’t help it come to life.

I find myself saying things like, it’s not worth it.  Things like, creating things wasn’t meant for me.  Yesterday, and still somewhat today, I feel like those things weren’t meant for me.  Other people, yes, but not for me.

My best friend is on the verge of having her first book published.  She’s a mother of two girls, a wife, an employee at a demanding job, and she’s somehow managed to find the time and strength to write a book worthy of publishing.  I sit on my ass all day, I lay in bed all day, I have all the time in the world to create something magical and yet, I can’t. While I’m extremely proud of her, it hurts me because I feel like I’m just wasting my life away.

I create goals and plans for others to be inspired by, but I never follow through on them for myself.  I’ve spent the last year trying to improve myself and I feel like I’ve made little progress as I am still incapable of working on something, anything.

I just want to be better, I want to help others and I want to inspire.  I want to live a life I’m proud of.  But, how the fuck do I get past these thoughts keeping me tied down to the nothingness that is my life at the moment?

-Liz

Lifestyle, mental health

Stay At Home Dog Mom


I love the title, “stay at home dog mom.” It puts such a positive spin on my life. It makes it sound like I’m actually doing something, taking care of something. But, I’m not. Not really. My boyfriend feeds the dogs, he walks them, and does everything else for them. But I’ve got the cuddles. 

See, for the past year, I’ve been a stay at home dog mom. Not a very good one by any means, but one nonetheless. 

A year ago depression hit me hard. It left me in bed binge watching Friends for a month straight. Depression made me leave school, again. And I was actually doing well that time. I can’t help but look back and feel helpless. Why couldn’t I just find the strength to keep going? Why in the hell couldn’t I just get up. If I had known the impact of my choices, would I have gotten out of bed? I would have a life right now, I would be working and have friends and be a human. But, I feel as though I’m none of those things. Not anymore. 

These days, I do good to get up and go to a coffee shop for a few hours. Hell, lately I do good to get up and make it to my front porch. I slept until 2pm yesterday. 

I feel as though the outside world may be judging me. When they ask what I’ve been up to, I’ve got nothing to say. I mean, I could say I’ve been working on my depression, but that’s not an “appropriate” response. 

I wish there had been something else I’ve fully committed myself to working on. I wish I were selling things online, starting a business, traveling, doing SOMETHING. But, there’s not.

I feel ashamed. I feel like my life isn’t mine anymore. I wake up, take my boyfriend to work, come home, and sleep the day away until it’s time to pick him back up. I don’t do things around the house like I should, I don’t clean up messes, I do good to shower and change my clothes. My mind and my body and tired. I can’t find the energy. 


I know what I should do. I know what I’m capable of doing. But I don’t do those things. Some days, I purposefully don’t even try. Like yesterday, I didn’t try. 

What does it look like when I do try? Well, it looks like my day so far. 

4am: I wake up to my boyfriend telling me that we slept through his alarms, we should be leaving right now. I yelled at him, turned over, and sarcastically asked if he’s made coffee yet. The poor man is sitting there with a coffee mug full of coffee just waiting to love me. 

4:30am: I put my shoes on, grab my wallet and keys and we head out the door. This morning, we had to pick up his coworker who was out of the way. I wasn’t thrilled about this, and I made that known. I complained the whole time. 

5am: I drop off my boyfriend and his coworker not even a mile from our house. When I leave, I notice they end up driving past our place anyway. There was no need for me to drop him off this morning. They could have picked him up. I was upset. 

5:30am: I’m finally in bed going to sleep. I’m tossing and turning because I’m awake enough to stay up but not awake enough to get rid of the terrible hungover feeling I had from such a little night’s sleep. 

7am: My alarm goes off. I could have gotten up. I didn’t. I turned it off and went back to sleep. 

9:30am: I finally wake up and get out of bed. I pour some coffee and head out to the front porch. I look up subscription boxes for mental health. I read an article about what it’s like to have an illness that requires you to stay home. I scroll trough Facebook. 

10:18am: It’s currently 10:18 and I’m writing this. My dogs are laying in the shade outside and I’m already smoking my 5th cigarette from just being out here since 9:30. My coffee is almost empty and that leaves me with the choice to make more, or get ready to go to the coffee shop. 

I want to accomplish so much today. I want to get work done at the coffee shop then come home and clean up the house which is such a disaster that it’s probably contributing to my bad moods. 

I want to do so many things, I want to be “normal” again. I don’t mean normal as in other people, but normal as in myself again. I want to strive and be ambitious. I want to live a life again. 

-Liz

Lifestyle, mental health

You Fucking Got This


I am the type of person that, unfortunately, has bad days often. Whether it’s due to my mental health, my ever-changing moods, or just lying in bed all damn day, there never seems to be a shortage of bad days. It fucking sucks, guys. 

However, one of my biggest problems is that I hold on to a bad day.

Oh, I had a bad day on Monday? Well, I’ll try again next week. WEEK. Not, let’s try again after some coffee not, let’s try again tomorrow no, let’s try again next week. 

Yesterday was fucking miserable for me. And I’ll be open and honest and explain it all. 

First, after dropping my boyfriend off at work, I came home and went back to sleep. I then proceed to sleep until noon. That alone usually sets off a bad mood. But wait, there’s more!

Secondly, I had some weird-ass fucking dreams. Like, I can’t even admit these to my best friend type of dreams. They were that bad. But, to give you an indication of how they were, they were sexual dreams. Mainly focusing around the feeling of doing something “wrong.” Those are the worst because then I wake up feeling like I need to act out on it and do something “wrong.”

So, in an effort to rid myself of these thoughts and dreams I watched porn. It’s wrong in my mind, but it still wasn’t enough. Thankfully, I didn’t act out on anything else. 

Thirdly, like stated above, I watched porn. This always sends me into a spiraling out of control bad mood. I beat myself up, I hate myself, I’m disgusted with myself.

To top it all off, I felt like something had taken over me and I wasn’t myself. I wanted to post risqué photos of myself on Instagram, I wanted to do anything for those “likes.” When did I become this person? What was happening?

I spent all damn day in bed yesterday. I allowed myself to have a shitty day because I just didn’t know how to get myself out of it. The part of my day spent alone ended with me sitting in the bathtub after a shower crying and listening to music. Thankfully, it wasn’t long after that that I needed to pick up my boyfriend. 

I talked to him about it a bit, and I let it go. We ended up laughing and having a good night. It was a great way to end such a shitty day. But, I was still left terrified of repeating yesterday. God, I still am terrified of it. 

How do we break away? How do we move on? Especially when you spent an entire day feeling like someone else? Like, yesterday my only goal was to become a vape model on Instagram, that’s all that mattered. And that’s not me. I run deeper than that, I think deeper than that, I have more to offer than that. 

How To Turn Things Around And Have A Good Day After A Bad One

1. Wake the hell up

For me, my problems started when I went back to sleep. So, even though my mind and body are telling me that they just want to crawl back into bed, I’m not going to. This is something that will take a lot of effort from me. Just one look at my bed and I could be back in there. God, I want to crawl into bed so badly. But more than that, I want to start having good days again. 

Grab some coffee, tea, or whatever the fuck wakes you up and spend some time being nice to yourself this morning. If sleeping in is your problem, try setting an alarm. If going back to bed after waking up is your problem, force yourself to go outside to wake up. And just relax, let yourself take the time you need. 

2. Remind yourself of who you are

This one is more specific to how I felt like a totally different person. But if you’ve had a day when you’re down on yourself, this could help, too. Write down 20 things that are you. Here’s mine:

  1. Loving
  2. Caring 
  3. Thoughtful 
  4. Deep
  5. Meaningful
  6. Happy
  7. Beautiful 
  8. Creative 
  9. Lively
  10. 80% coffee
  11. Good
  12. Deserving
  13. Human
  14. A writer
  15. Inspirational 
  16. Helpful
  17. Chill
  18. Respectful
  19. Feminist
  20. Funny

3. Have an Opposite Day

Best way to avoid having another day like the day before? Do the exact opposite. 

Lay in bed all day = Stay out of bed

Watch porn = Don’t watch porn

Stay home all day = Get out of the house

Wallow in self-pity = Take care of yourself

You see where I’m going with this. 

4. Your thoughts control your moods

Lastly, be aware of what you’re thinking. Force yourself to think more positively. Instead of being afraid today will be a repeat, be excited for the new day ahead! Find something you can get excited about. For me, it’s going to my favorite coffee shop. 

How do you have a good day after a shitty one? Love to hear ideas!

-Liz

mental health

Surviving An Anxiety Hangover

As I wrote in my last post, I’m having an anxiety hangover day. I’m really not wanting it to ruin or control my whole day, but the leftover anxiety from last night is strong. 

I’ll admit, I don’t exactly know how to conquer days like this, I’ve never done that before. This is my first time trying to stand up to anxiety. And damn, is it hard. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and hide away. So, here is what I’m going to try to do. 

Ways To Overcome An Anxiety Hangover 

1. Don’t Do It

I know you want to crawl into bed, it’s the easiest way, just hide until the Anxiety passes. Well, if you’re like me, you got shit to do. Stay out of bed, just don’t do it. If you have to lay down, lay down on the floor. Just don’t get into bed! It’s all over from there. 

2. Let There Be Light

Open your windows, let some natural light in. Maybe even some fresh air. Don’t hide away in the dark. 

3. Come Up With A Mantra

Come up with a saying or mantra you can use throughout the day. Today, mine is, “everything is okay.” Just breathe, let it sink in, and know you are safe and so are your loved ones. 

4. A Little Goes A Long Way

If you have to do stuff like I have to, start small. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Do half the dishes, or even just one dish. Keep going if you feel strong enough, if not, take a break and try again. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you try. 

5. Self-Care

Take care of yourself, please. Take a shower, a bath, wash your face, do some yoga. Whatever helps you feel loved by yourself. 

-Liz

mental health

Hungover


Today, I’m experiencing an anxiety hangover. Little bits from my attack last night have stuck with me through to this morning. I’m tired, I’m restless, and I’m hoping it won’t ruin my day. 

See, I had plans today. Clean up the house, do some laundry, do my hair and makeup, even contemplated going and getting a tattoo. But with an anxiety hangover, this could all be gone and I could end up in bed all damn day. 

I’m fighting off the thoughts best I can, but they’re still there. I have a pounding headache to remind me of them. 

When I have an anxiety hangover, everything just seems to be too much. It’s too much work to simply sit outside rather than lay in bed. It’s all too much and being overwhelmed will stop me from doing pretty much anything at all. 

I can’t even imagine doing the dishes right now, let alone take a shower. I just want to cry, I want to give in and let the anxiety take over again. But I need to stay strong, I need to fight through this. I need to get better. 

How do you survive an anxiety hangover day?

-Liz

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A Missed Call

Okay, this post is about to get real. This is for those wishing to understand anxiety and those who have anxiety and no longer want to feel “crazy.”

A little backstory, my boyfriend that I live with is out of town for about a week. That alone gives me anxiety. But to make the situation worse, he’s working up in an area with little to no cell reception. Fucking lovely. This means on any normal day, I’d get a text from him in the morning and a 5 minute phone call at night. 

Let’s get started. 

Last night, I had my first major (for me, normal) panic attack in almost a year or so. What set this off? It was 8:30pm and no phone call from Steven. Any normal person would just get mad that he didn’t call and give him hell about it when he did. Nope, not me. Thanks anxiety. 

My mind instantly went to, “what did I do wrong?” Literally, it’s physically impossible for me to have done anything wrong because, well, we haven’t spoken hardly. But I didn’t think that way. 

Instantly it was like, “why doesn’t he love me?” Another ridiculous statement. If I were to be asked who I think loves me without a doubt, it would be him. 

Then, my mind began to wander. “What if he’s not where he says he is?” This is the most ridiculous of them all. He is the single most trustworthy person I have ever met. He’s working, he’s where he says he is. 

Lastly, a little more logical thought process, “what if he’s hurt?” Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he fell off a damn roof. He is a roofer, afterall. This one still worries me as I still haven’t heard from him. 

In all probability, they worked hard yesterday and he passed the fuck out and got some sleep. But my anxiety wouldn’t let me think that way. 

I had a full panic attack, rocking back and forth, hyperventilating, and crying my eyes out. All my fur babies laid close to me last night. I’m sure things are fine, I’ll hear from him later on. 

He will be home soon and instead of giving him hell, I’ll hug him. Then, I’ll slap his shoulder for not calling me, and I’ll hug him again. Life will be back to normal.

-Liz